Probably not, regardless of the chosen exit strategy. After all, I'm still here (much as I wish it were, otherwise). I'm fairly certain if I had the guts/nerve to finally go through with it, that getting the proper method set-up wouldn't really be a problem for me. Then again, I suppose I could be overestimating myself in that regard, but whatever. Not like it matters. Ultimately, it feels like my destiny is just to wither away while the same old daily miseries continue to repeat themselves again & again deepening overtime as they have been for ages now like a coastal shelf made of ever hardening shit. Fear of dying, fear of the unknown, and the hassle of doing the deed itself. The unholy trinity of weakness that relentlessly zaps away even the smallest iota of strength/conviction I might accrue to finally pull the curtain down on this pointless, tiresome mess known as existence. I've fantasized about suicide intensely my entire life, yet never made even a single attempt to bring those dreams to any sort of fruition. That's how pathetic I am. Makes me wonder why I lurk sites like this in the first place. If at the end of the day, if deep down in my heart, if when push comes to shove, I know I wouldn't be able to commit suicide, then what the hell am I even doing here writing this out? I suppose I just don't belong here, nor anywhere else for that matter, but big whoop. Boo hoo for lonely old me because who really fucking cares. I sure as hell don't, fucking maggot that I am. Anyway, intention ain't worth jack shit if you don't have the will to see it through. I feel split in two. I want to leave this life so fucking badly, but I'm so fucking weak and afraid. Does the pain & hopelessness really have to get that much worse? What if it's never enough? What if the yoke of weakness will always be greater even in the worst possible situation? Thinking about this stuff really makes me panic. I see other people who are able to hop off the crazy train and I wish to god I could join them. They're the special ones. As far as I'm concerned, suicide is a profound & heroic act. Tremendous agony & despair drove them to it yes, but they were actually able to leave. They had the dignity to leave. They had the power of mercy to themselves & others to leave. It's like watching an inmate in the middle of escaping the deepest, darkest dungeon you can imagine all while pressing your arms out through the bars of your cell just as they run past as you scream bloody murder begging for whoever it is to take you with them. Who am I kidding, though? It'd never be that easy, naturally. They aren't like me. Being faced with a potential lifetime of wallowing in my own filth due to my own pitiful feebleness, all while putting myself and others through more suffering than is necessary. Existing out of fear & weakness is the true coward's way out. Fact. Case closed. As I slump back, I just wonder how much longer I'm going to have to keep riding this infernal thing? Years? Decades? Odds are, all things considered, the answer to that question is yes. The shame & the panic of knowing that is palpable. I'm drowning in the undertow of that knowledge and I don't know how to swim.
As an efilist who sees the biological forces that drive our will to live as being inherently malevolent, the only small consolation and comfort I've found about not committing suicide comes from Schopenhauer. According to him, who opposed suicide (he was a massive proponent for legalized euthanasia & an individual's right to choose but still personally saw suicide as being a philosophical mistake), truly denying the will to live is to see it through to the end. Committing suicide, in most cases, tends to be an emphatic assertion of one's live to will since, ideally, they would very much like to live, but since their personal circumstances can't allow for this whether due to their respective genetics/environment/myriad other misfortunes, the only option left to them is to end their lives. Contrastly, denying one's will to live up until the very end becomes almost a sort of proverbial, philosophical oriented suicide+ which, personally speaking, I see at least a little merit in. Then again, I'm a boring hermit and it's just a dumb token gesture which rationalizes my weakness, so of course I'd latch on to the idea. Living out the rest of your life in turmoil to prove some philosophical point is also pretty stupid, assuming one could and wanted to commit suicide, but didn't because of the above. Besides, following the same idea, so long as one commits suicide for "the right reasons" (ala Mr. White from "The Sunset Limited") then you're basically accomplishing the same thing. I still cling to it though. Anything to draw my eyes away from the bitter truth, essentially.
As an aside, for those out there who don't fear the act of dying, who don't fear the unknown, who don't have familial concerns (at least I don't have this one to worry about), and who have the conviction to get everything arranged, then I ask you, what the hell are you waiting for? I seriously can't think of a single reason why one would want to hang around if the aforementioned reasons weren't concerns of theirs. Frankly, I'm quite envious of anyone who's biggest, if only, issue is that they can't get a hold of N, or a gun. At least something like that has a concrete practical solution. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It's not like this is Wizard of Oz world and I can go on a DNM and buy some ephemeral nerve (drugs & alcohol don't count) from the great grand bazaar wizard like I were the cowardly fucking lion. Frankly, to go one further, even those who don't fear dying or the unknown baffle me. Again, what the hell are you waiting for then? I don't mean to come off like an asshole, but christ man I WISH my biggest problem was getting a hold of N, or whatever else one would have in mind. I fucking wish.
