You are very welcome. It's nice to be appreciated. And if some good can come if my disaster then that's good. I think you have done the right thing.
I thought for a few hours yesterday that a possible way ahead for me would be to use my experience to help others. This morning though I am back with strong thoughts of ctb.
I think I might try again today. My preferred method is partial. I don't like it and have found it impossible to go through with to date but it's practical.
The fact that James has gone always meant life was never going to be as good. Now that I'm living in a modern house where there is minimal breeze (still too hot even in October) which has no character, I'm waking every day with discomfort and disappointment, so life has got worse still. I have tried hard enough to make life work for me, and I think I deserve the right to at least try to end it all and give up the fight.
I don't think my family will understand, unless I'm brutally honest, which will involve saying hurtful things and really bring home to them how much pain I have suffered. I don't want them to know the full extent of my pain, so I'll I'll have to keep it to myself and live with them not understanding fully, or die with it if I'm successful today or whenever.
The system, the people involved (accountant, solicitor, maybe friends, my wife) really should have protected me from selling my house, but I can't blame them. I'm just so disappointed, physically and mentally suffering and I'm ready to leave it all behind now. I feel like I'm at the end of round 10, after being brutally beaten and knocked down once more. Although help is there, I'm so tired and it's me that has to come out for round 11 and the fight isn't in me any more. I'd like it if my family can understand that. It may be selfish, but I've been fighting on and off for nearly 20 years. That's enough.