Coping with suicidal thoughts as usual but somehow with less pressure??

[Reallyreallyreally]

Touching on the stuff in therapy that I really don't want to talk about because it's the stuff at the actual root of everything else takes me straight to my knee jerk suicidal frame of mind, but surprisingly I found myself actually feeling like it's okay if I wait to finish compiling a full set of suicide supplies. I'm surprised, to put it mildly. This has happened before but not too often. Even when I'm definitely not suicidal I still push back nearly always on a consistent drive to collect all the supplies. Maybe it's a first step to the inside of my head reaching a consensus.

 

[Eridanos]

I don't know well what's your situation but with time every kind of thought kind of becomes the norm and appears normal. Even if logically you think it's a "wrong" thought you just get accustomed to it.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I don't know well what's your situation but with time every kind of thought kind of becomes the norm and appears normal. Even if logically you think it's a "wrong" thought you just get accustomed to it.

what he said

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I've been doing this for 30 years. I don't know if it's normalization or not because this has been only happening recently. Usually the thoughts come with a pressure. At the moment it seems to be a strange combination of apathy and habit. Sort of like a long standing item on my to do list that isn't essential but more like a thing I've been waiting to do for a really long time and it would be nice to finally get to it, like taking that road trip or shaking the hand of your hero. Before I get out of bed, when the blankets are still over my head and under my feet, it would be really easy to just drink the drink or put on the hood and start the gas, if only I had it set up. My menstrual cycle is about to put me back in the more pressured place. I'm kind of mid transition right now but when I'm not there at all it just kind of runs in the background. I feel torn between actively trying to move away from it and just waiting for my pregnant friend to have the baby and for my friend with cancer to conclude what she's dealing with, whether she survives it or not. I'm really tired.