Venting Coping with life getting more complicated and more full

[Humble]

I dont know how i feel about going to college and studying and working my ass off to be a doctor. I feel passionate yet drained and sick of it already, and at the same time I want a family, i want to marry my love and be happy, but i also dont know if i REALLY want kids, i feel like theres not enough time for a career, kids, love, passion... Where does one even start? I still feel suicidal sometimes, the thought of doing it is quite an escape, even though i dont have the balls anymore for it i guess. i have too much that i love and too much to lose, i kind of miss when i was tunnel visioned onto death, because all i felt was misery, loneliness and i could do anything because i didnt care anymore.. I was 14-15 and this year ill turn 19. I guess you cant really escape suicide as a fantasy. Overall I feel lost. I keep trying to control everything around me and it feels hopeless, and even if i get a day perfectly as I planned its temporary, the cycle repeats again. Everyday is like a loop of hard work, wish we could all just chill w no consequences.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Can't help but just send you positive vibes: I think you got this, you've survived worse and even aspiring to become a doctor is beautiful I think. All the best to ya.