Coping by dissociating?

[sadsadinfp]

I think I'm using that word correctly

Since I was around 7 I've lived almost my entire life inside my own head. By this I mean I'm rarely in the moment, unless I'm in some kind of danger or something that really demands my full attention. Whether I'm just at home alone, or reading, or out with people, at work, school, whatever, I'm never really focused on what's actually happening around me, I'm living some kind of fantasy in my head.

I remember doing a bit of this when I was really tiny - I think all kids play imaginary games - but I think it really became a coping mechanism after I experienced certain traumas. When I was 6 a bigger kid down the street started sexually abusing me, my parents started fighting a lot more, and I started elementary school, which ended up being a terrible experience. I was already a very shy and sensitive kid, but after that I think I started retreating even further into myself, maybe as a way of protecting myself from having my feelings hurt and as a way of trying to make the abuse, the poor home environment and the bullying at school seem less real.

I don't exhibit any of the behaviours or match the description of BPD, but distancing myself from what's actually going on and going off to the much nicer fantasy world in my head when something stressful is happening, or when I just can't cope with the misery and disappointment of real life, is the only way I manage to make it through the day (and night).

Can anyone else relate to this?

 

[Saga]

sorry to hear that..I was like that when i was younger until i developed bpd...first i thought it was just depression thats why i dissociated myself from reality until i started getting into relationships and ended up having bpd...its so hard...and nothing in life seems good to stay alive

 

[sadsadinfp]

I'm sorry you ended up with BPD I know a couple people with it and it seems like it's really hard to live with. Before I go I'll pray for you.

For me, I have to say that I'm really in love with my fantasy, I have whole worlds in my head, I don't think I'd have made it this far if I didn't have the solace of imaginary worlds and friends. In my head I and the other people I've invented can be good and noble, beautifully tragic, elegantly lonely, etc. I can have kind, gentle, understanding parents who love me the way I wish my real ones had loved me, a protective older sibling, a best friend and soulmate, a life with hope and meaning.

And it pains me that none of these (to me) beautiful visions can ever be real, and that my own train wreck of a life is continually getting further away from what I dream about.

 

[Orin]

I wish i had that skill to dissociate myself. But since my mind is constantly on "pessimist mode", i need to distract myself in order to stay sane.

Though there was this rare instance where i just sat in bed and forced myself to imagine my ideal world. And surprisingly, it improved my mood.

 

[Life sucks]

I also disassociate myself. If I didn't do that, I wouldn't be alive

 

[Rocksandsand]

Just chiming in - dissociative disorders can be stand alone disorders rather than a component of BPD. I have dissociative amnesia and it fucking sucks. My heart goes out to my fellow dissociatives

 

[Tabbyql]

I've disassociated since I was a kid not always on purpose. I still do it now. I don't realise people are talking to me, I walk right past my house on way home lol. I guess my mind prefers to be far away from reality.

 

[Fragile]

i can totally relate, it also started very early in my childhood when my father died and life crashed, years of being lonely just made it worse but it was the only thing keeping me from facing reality, i've spent way more of my life inside my head than in the real world. i'm also suspected to have BDP but the dissociation started way before any of that.

i wish i could still dissociate as often, now that my health went to shit i can't have a single happy though without my anxiety eating them away.

 

[sadsadinfp]

Now that I think about it again, I'm not sure that what I do is strictly dissociating, as I understand it - it's more like maladaptive daydreaming, I tend to forget appointments and other practical details because I'm not really in the moment, make mistakes at work, etc. and like I said, I use it as a way to comfort myself in stressful situations and environments, to mentally distance myself from, and avoid having to fully engage with, what's going on around me.

Some people use these terms very broadly, so I'm not really sure if what I do falls under the umbrella of dissociating.

 

[BPD_LE]

Now that I think about it again, I'm not sure that what I do is strictly dissociating, as I understand it - it's more like maladaptive daydreaming, I tend to forget appointments and other practical details because I'm not really in the moment, make mistakes at work, etc. and like I said, I use it as a way to comfort myself in stressful situations and environments, to mentally distance myself from, and avoid having to fully engage with, what's going on around me.

Some people use these terms very broadly, so I'm not really sure if what I do falls under the umbrella of dissociating.

I can relate. I have a coping strategy of going into my own world. It's so difficult to explain. I've been told it's daydreaming and fantasy but it feels so much more intense than that and causes a lot of problems in my day to day life. For me, disassociation is a separate coping mechanism, I leave the situation mentally but focus on nothing. Like really nothing, it's warm and comfortable and empty. I stare into space and don't blink. I was diagnosed BPD 20 years ago.

 

[ALittleBurden]

I do this all the time. I keep daydreaming non stop, sometimes to the point I gesticulate or say out loud parts of the dialogues that are going on in my head. I think excessive daydreaming can be called dissociation. It helps to cut off from reality.

 

[sadsadinfp]

I do this all the time. I keep daydreaming non stop, sometimes to the point I gesticulate or say out loud parts of the dialogues that are going on in my head. I think excessive daydreaming can be called dissociation. It helps to cut off from reality.

I don't know, people on tumblr (lol) seem to use the term to apply to excessive (and excessively vivid) daydreaming, but it seems that what other people on here with diagnosed dissociative disorders experience is something a lot more disruptive. Not really sure.

 

[BPD_LE]

I do this all the time. I keep daydreaming non stop, sometimes to the point I gesticulate or say out loud parts of the dialogues that are going on in my head. I think excessive daydreaming can be called dissociation. It helps to cut off from reality.

Omg me too. I spend most of the day on my own but I'm always talking out loud, immersed in my world, having conversations and laughing. Sometimes I accidentally do it public too, though I try to just move my lips to the words to not draw as much attention to it. So crazy.