yeaimhere13
why me?
- Sep 14, 2023
- 30
i have really bad existential ocd to the point where I'm genuinely starting to believe my thoughts wholeheartedly. people are not real, i am a part of some kind of simulation or maybe hallucinating? i haven't really pinpointed it yet. anyways i had a thought last night- what if I'm in a state of psychosis and the REAL me is out doing horrible things like murdering people or performing reckless behaviour. eventually ill wake up from this and be locked away in a jail cell. i have no way of proving that this is real as i have no way of proving that people ARENT real but i cant stand the thoughts anymore. I'm severely depressed and all i want in certainty which i wont get. the only thing keeping me from CTB is two things: hell may exist (which would just make my life 100x worse given the circumstances now) and if my parents are real and everyone around me is real then i am delusional and dying would traumatize the people i love. it also would be a waste if i got better in the end. when you choose to die, there is no coming back. if I'm going to do it, then i have to be extremely sure of my decision. there still is that part of my rational brain that is screaming NO NO NO DONT DO IT but i don't think I'm going to get better. doctors put me on antipsychotics but how can i trust they will help if i believe nothing around me is real? i feel so lost and scared and confused. i don't know what i should do at this point in time. and no matter the responses i get under this i will fully believe none of u are real. u are all curated to my existence or something. i just want all of this to stop.
