Help Controlling dad won’t like education/career choice

[15dec]

TLDR; I'm going to start an apprenticeship, but my dad is going to flip when he finds out. What's the easiest way to tell him and deal with the negative backlash?

So, my dad is pretty awful. He has a history of violence against my mum and half-brother and in general, is a very aggressive person. Shouting a lot, throwing things, smashing plates, you get the idea. He's very intimidating and I'm honestly scared of him (teachers and social workers have also noticed this without me explicitly saying).

He's also very controlling. I wasn't allowed a haircut until I was 7 (and even then I was only allowed the split ends cut), was allowed to get an inch off when I was 12, and could cut it shoulder length when I was 15. In my opinion it's very excessive especially since I didn't want to do anything drastic, I just wanted it short.

Along the same lines, I had to ask permission from him to buy clothes and underwear until I was about 12 or so. I would agree that's reasonable, except I'd be using my own money for these clothes (pocket money from my grandparents) or my mum would be buying them for me. I didn't want to wear anything provocative, so it wasn't an issue of making sure I wasn't found out dressing inappropriately. Honestly, I just wore hoodies and jeans all the time.

All round, he's very controlling of what I do, and to an extent it carries on to my education.

To make things more clear I should probably explain education in the UK. We leave high school at 16 and either go to a sixth form/college or an apprenticeship until we're 18. Sixth forms/colleges are traditional education with coursework and exams in a classroom, but apprenticeships are work-based and there's very little (if any) time in a classroom.

Whatever you do you end up with the same level qualifications, but apprenticeships are generally seen as 'less academic' by a lot of people. Which is fair, but my dad is the kind to take it to the extreme of thinking I'm dropping out completely, throwing my future away, etcetera.

My dad's always thought I'd go on to university. He never really asked but it was expected of me, to be honest. I've known for a while that I'd rather do a degree apprenticeship instead of a traditional course, but recently I realised I'd rather stop going to college and do an apprenticeship instead. Specifically a chef apprenticeship, which is probably one of the least-academic apprenticeships out there, and consequently one that my dad would look down on most.

My mum and I decided not to tell my dad straight away and wait to see if I got the job before saying anything. I had the interview today and it went really well, and I've got a trial/taster shift on Tuesday. The manager said that he'd been looking for another chef for months with nobody applying so as long as I do well on the trial shift, things are looking really good for me getting this apprenticeship.

So that brings me to my current problem of telling my dad. My mum thinks we should tell him tonight so he doesn't flip out more compared to if we told him after the taster, which is probably the smart idea.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach the subject without him getting excessively angry, and how to deal with it when/if he does?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think it's a pity he'll react negatively considering you are still advancing and pursuing something you like doing. It's not like getting a higher degree automatically translates to more pay, especially if it's not specific in terms of what job you'll be doing afterwards. Explaining that may help soften the blow. You can start off with "well I hope you won't be disappointed, but" because it kind of challenges the person not to fly off the handle.

When you're young, it feels like education is the be-all, end-all, but it's far from. It's really just a stepping stone - a start in the world. Many people later change their minds or wind up going for a full-blown degree at a later stage. And it's best to do something manageable that you feel positive about now than risk biting off more than you can chew and fucking it up. That's also worth explaining to him.

Good luck, hopefully he's not as angry as you anticipate.

 

[Empty Smile]

The idea that you have to get a high school diploma, or even a degree, is a crock of shit.

I dropped out of high school, and about 10 years later went to get my diploma. The teacher said that once I had my diploma, "all kinds of doors will open up for me."i Biggest lie I was ever told.....

I went on and got my truck driving license, and had more job offers than I knew what to do with.

The point is, pursue what it is you want to do. Pursue your happiness.

You can make some people happy all of the time, and others, you can't make happy, no matter what you do.

 

[15dec]

I think it's a pity he'll react negatively considering you are still advancing and pursuing something you like doing. It's not like getting a higher degree automatically translates to more pay, especially if it's not specific in terms of what job you'll be doing afterwards. Explaining that may help soften the blow. You can start off with "well I hope you won't be disappointed, but" because it kind of challenges the person not to fly off the handle.

When you're young, it feels like education is the be-all, end-all, but it's far from. It's really just a stepping stone - a start in the world. Many people later change their minds or wind up going for a full-blown degree at a later stage. And it's best to do something manageable that you feel positive about now than risk biting off more than you can chew and fucking it up. That's also worth explaining to him.

Good luck, hopefully he's not as angry as you anticipate.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try starting like that and trying to explain it's safer and more enjoyable for me compared to what I'm currently doing.

I hope he realises it's not a permanent, possibly life-ruining thing. Hopefully he'll understand that I can always go back to college or a different apprenticeship if I change my mind and that I'm not going to end up stuck doing this if I realise I don't like it.

The idea that you have to get a high school diploma, or even a degree, is a crock of shit.

I dropped out of high school, and about 10 years later went to get my diploma. The teacher said that once I had my diploma, "all kinds of doors will open up for me."i Biggest lie I was ever told.....

I went on and got my truck driving license, and had more job offers than I knew what to do with.

The point is, pursue what it is you want to do. Pursue your happiness.

You can make some people happy all of the time, and others, you can't make happy, no matter what you do.

Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely pursue it even if my dad hates it.

What you said about diplomas is pretty accurate to be honest, my mum pointed out that even if I did go to university I might not get a job out of it and agreed I'd be more likely to get a job through the apprenticeship. So the chances are I'll have more opportunities this way or at least have better chances of finding a job.