contradicting thoughts

[tooStupidForExitBag]

My thoughts are constantly fighting against themselves. I feel like no matter what I think my next thought is trying to shut the first one down. "I hate myself" is followed by "you can't even cut yourself", "I feel suicidal" is followed by "you have a better life than most on this forum". This drives me fucking crazy, I question who I am and where I belong. If I could get rid of these thoughts then perhaps I could live a somewhat good life.

Does anyone relate and how the fuck do you deal with it?

 

[Idledays]

I can relate to this a lot. And on some level I expect most people will. We're all complex beings with complex lives yet we're told there's a "normal". Life is fucking hard. There's not a simple right or wrong and Its not surprising we feel confused when we have contradicting thoughts. We contradict ourselves because deep down we know there isn't one simple answer.

I've stopped beating myself up (as much as I was doing, anyway) for being contradictory. You're not a hypocrite to want to end your life but to be scared of the pain, or of death. You're not a hypocrite to feel depressed when life on paper should be ok. You just realise that unfortunately there isn't one perfect solution.

Dont ignore that inner fight. Its there to make you question yourself and choose what's right for you. There isnt a perfect answer so those contradictions are there to fight it out over what, on balance, is right for you.

Don't beat yourself up. See those contradictions as a strength!

 

[FreedomInDeath]

It sounds like you need to work on your self esteem and why you are even judging yourself in the first place. Figuring out goals can help too. I hope you have good luck.

 

[eksded]

The worst thing about depression is that it's nothing special. Feeling like shit and having people tell you that millions of people have the same problem makes your pain feel so mundane and meaningless.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

I can relate to this a lot. And on some level I expect most people will. We're all complex beings with complex lives yet we're told there's a "normal". Life is fucking hard. There's not a simple right or wrong and Its not surprising we feel confused when we have contradicting thoughts. We contradict ourselves because deep down we know there isn't one simple answer.

I've stopped beating myself up (as much as I was doing, anyway) for being contradictory. You're not a hypocrite to want to end your life but to be scared of the pain, or of death. You're not a hypocrite to feel depressed when life on paper should be ok. You just realise that unfortunately there isn't one perfect solution.

Dont ignore that inner fight. Its there to make you question yourself and choose what's right for you. There isnt a perfect answer so those contradictions are there to fight it out over what, on balance, is right for you.

Don't beat yourself up. See those contradictions as a strength!

Thanks for the insight. Nice to know that many people probably feel the same on some level, but holy hell does it consume my life. I can't have a single thought without questioning if it was okay for me to think/feel that way.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I can relate to this a lot. And on some level I expect most people will. We're all complex beings with complex lives yet we're told there's a "normal". Life is fucking hard. There's not a simple right or wrong and Its not surprising we feel confused when we have contradicting thoughts. We contradict ourselves because deep down we know there isn't one simple answer.

I've stopped beating myself up (as much as I was doing, anyway) for being contradictory. You're not a hypocrite to want to end your life but to be scared of the pain, or of death. You're not a hypocrite to feel depressed when life on paper should be ok. You just realise that unfortunately there isn't one perfect solution.

Dont ignore that inner fight. Its there to make you question yourself and choose what's right for you. There isnt a perfect answer so those contradictions are there to fight it out over what, on balance, is right for you.

Don't beat yourself up. See those contradictions as a strength!

@tooStupidForExitBag - I agree with all this here. We are complex creatures and feeling conflicted is in some ways normal. Life is full of absurd contradictions. The trick is learning to accept it and deal with it and I think that's something we all struggle with.
Anyone who never feels conflicted and is certain about everything isn't someone I want to know.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

The worst thing about depression is that it's nothing special. Feeling like shit and having people tell you that millions of people have the same problem makes your pain feel so mundane and meaningless.

I relate to this a lot. I've never mustered up the courage to see a therapist so don't know if I actually have some mental illness or not. But I'm constantly comparing myself to others and it just makes me feel more shitty, like I can't even hate myself correctly.

 

[eksded]

I relate to this a lot. I've never mustered up the courage to see a therapist so don't know if I actually have some mental illness or not. But I'm constantly comparing myself to others and it just makes me feel more shitty, like I can't even hate myself correctly.

I don't know where you live or what kind of healthcare is available to you but my experiences with healthcare professionals has been overwhelmingly positive. It's just that they never seem to have enough time. Getting help is definitely worth a try.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

@tooStupidForExitBag - I agree with all this here. We are complex creatures and feeling conflicted is in some ways normal. Life is full of absurd contradictions. The trick is learning to accept it and deal with it and I think that's something we all struggle with.
Anyone who never feels conflicted and is certain about everything isn't someone I want to know.

Guess I have to figure out how to deal with it. I've always tried to figure things out myself so have no idea how to ask for help, and if I contact someone I'll at least temporarily lose the option to ctb (my mother would force me to get rid of the argon tank for exit bag). Right now I feel like I'm in a limbo between life and death, avoiding everyone shifting between thinking about my problems and doing everything to not think about them.

I don't know where you live or what kind of healthcare is available to you but my experiences with healthcare professionals has been overwhelmingly positive. It's just that they never seem to have enough time. Getting help is definitely worth a try.

I live in Sweden so I think the healthcare professionals are good, and my mother have offered to pay. But if I can't even open up to my family beside the occational "I'm not okay" how can I be completely honest with a stranger?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Guess I have to figure out how to deal with it. I've always tried to figure things out myself so have no idea how to ask for help, and if I contact someone I'll at least temporarily lose the option to ctb (my mother would force me to get rid of the argon tank for exit bag). Right now I feel like I'm in a limbo between life and death, avoiding everyone shifting between thinking about my problems and doing everything to not think about them.

Lots of us here in the same kind of limbo. I often feel that too - only way I cope is to avoid thinking about it. But that doesn't make it go away. In a sense, everyone is kind of like that, if only to a lesser degree.

 

[eksded]

I live in Sweden so I think the healthcare professionals are good, and my mother have offered to pay. But if I can't even open up to my family beside the occational "I'm not okay" how can I be completely honest with a stranger?

I've found it much easier to open up to a healthcare professional than my close ones. Really you should give it a shot. There are numbers you can call right now. It might just be the thing that saves your life. Or it does not. Really, the people I've met in healthcare have been so nice and caring.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

I've found it much easier to open up to a healthcare professional than my close ones. Really you should give it a shot. There are numbers you can call right now. It might just be the thing that saves your life. Or it does not. Really, the people I've met in healthcare have been so nice and caring.

I'll have to force myself to do that before completely deciding to ctb, can see it as a punishment since I hate myself. I'll try everything in my power before that through since it scares me as much as death. Currently have lsd on the way in hopes that it will help me reach some kind of conclusion, will prolong everything until that arrives.

 

[Notabadguy]

Please, don't cut yoursef. You won't CTB that way, you'll only end up in worse shape.

 

[eksded]

I'll have to force myself to do that before completely deciding to ctb, can see it as a punishment since I hate myself. I'll try everything in my power before that through since it scares me as much as death. Currently have lsd on the way in hopes that it will help me reach some kind of conclusion, will prolong everything until that arrives.

Reaching out to healthcare scares you to death? I've been there too. It took me two months of trying to finally reach them. The sooner the better. LSD seems nice, I've never tried drugs because I can't trust the people who sell them.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

Please, don't cut yoursef. You won't CTB that way, you'll only end up in worse shape.

Won't cut myself to ctb, if I do ctb I have the exit bag method setup beside my bed right now. It's just that whenever I feel hate toward myself my first thought is always "if you can't even cut yourself then what kind of worthless self hatred do you possess".

 

[eksded]

Please, don't cut yoursef. You won't CTB that way, you'll only end up in worse shape.

I agree, trying to CTB by cutting is stupid. But cutting can be a way to control urges. I don't recommend starting it though, it's pretty addicting.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

Reaching out to healthcare scares you to death? I've been there too. It took me two months of trying to finally reach them. The sooner the better. LSD seems nice, I've never tried drugs because I can't trust the people who sell them.

My plan is to trip on LSD to hopefully be able to think about my problems without running away. If that doesn't give me an answer (which I doubt it will do) I'll try therapy. Just annoying that it will probably take away my option to ctb for the foreseeable future, it feels comforting sleeping beside my exit bag knowing that I can end it whenever.

 

[eksded]

My plan is to trip on LSD to hopefully be able to think about my problems without running away. If that doesn't give me an answer (which I doubt it will do) I'll try therapy. Just annoying that it will probably take away my option to ctb for the foreseeable future, it feels comforting sleeping beside my exit bag knowing that I can end it whenever.

Well I'm glad to hear you are willing to try getting help. Really, I'm so long gone and I don't want anyone to get to where I am. May I ask what is the primary reason for your suicidal tendencies or depressive thoughts?

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

Well I'm glad to hear you are willing to try getting help. Really, I'm so long gone and I don't want anyone to get to where I am. May I ask what is the primary reason for your suicidal tendencies or depressive thoughts?

Mainly that I think my personality is complete shit. Recently I fucked up the closest friendship I'll ever get but that's just a biproduct of my personality. I'm constantly over analyzing everything, I'm manipulative by nature, I have problems with aggression (actually remembered that during elementary school I was temporarily in anger management therapy), I'm just generally a piece of shit.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Opening up to friends have always made me feel worse. It's not always their fault, though. I can't expect someone to know how to respond, as it is very difficult to know what the best response is for someone in that situation. The only time opening up with someone actually made me feel better was when I used a suicide text line. Talking on the phone is very difficult for me, due to anxiety so I texted instead. After opening up, the person simply mentioned that I seem to be incredibly insightful and that compliment I guess is what I needed at the time. Instead of minimizing my feelings, which friends often will as a way to make you look at the bright side, they validated them and that's all I really wanted. It was texting with a stranger, but it did help. It is worth a try if you haven't yet. In the end, I'm still going to ctb, but this was a couple of years ago and my situation is different from yours.

 

[eksded]

Mainly that I think my personality is complete shit. Recently I fucked up the closest friendship I'll ever get but that's just a biproduct of my personality. I'm constantly over analyzing everything, I'm manipulative by nature, I have problems with aggression (actually remembered that during elementary school I was temporarily in anger management therapy), I'm just generally a piece of shit.

Have people actually said to you that your personality sucks? I know what you mean but are you sure it's just not in your mind? Depressive persons easily get into a state where they read people wrong.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

Have people actually said to you that your personality sucks? I know what you mean but are you sure it's just not in your mind? Depressive persons easily get into a state where they read people wrong.

No one has said that my personality sucks, the closest is people saying things like "you have some weird opinions but I like you anyways". But it's not like I actually open up completly to them.