Contemplating into doing - Where's the line?

[itsmeagain]

There's a fine line between seriously contemplating, and actually being prepared to do it. For the first time in forever, it seemed like my life was actually going good. But then it didn't. It's sad. Everything is sad. I don't want to reveal too many identifying details, but I've had so many awful things happen to me. Now, the worst part, is that my SO as well as 5 of my lifelong friends aren't speaking to me. I don't want to place blame. Last night I scurried around my room, looking for something to end everything with. Medication? Only vitamins. Anything sharp? Can't find something fatal enough. Drive to a building and jump? I can hardly stand to be on my own two feet and walk around this room let alone get in my car and drive safely somewhere to end it. I had such a major build up of crippling pain I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle it. I found a song on youtube and listened to it, and what helped before wouldn't help now. I was certain that I was going to kill myself.

I was certain that it was gonna be my last moments on earth. I couldn't find anything. I started writing my suicide note, or, well, continued. I'm in uni, so there's people everywhere. What started a couple days ago as wearing a face mask to hide the fact that I haven't been shaving, blew into a "Oh, nobody can see my frown with this face mask on. They can't read my face. With my long hair it covers my eyes too so I'm just a blank slate." It seemed to me like using the Corona virus as an excuse was a good idea too. I would recommend you get a face mask if you're struggling with similar things, especially the ones on amazon that have the cute smiley faces and stuff on them. The only thing you have to worry about is your voice, and I can't imagine that many job places would be adverse to you wearing a face mask with the excuse of the virus or being a germaphobe.

Today, I've taken away from impulse suicidal thoughts and went into planned. Now, nothing is certain. Falls from buildings are scary, cutting wrists doesn't work, I don't have access to a firearm, medication OD's are too risky to be a potato and have everyone around you keep you alive because they feel that you'll get better, and living in a talkless, blankless mess that has no escape and, who knows, that's caught up with the suicidal thoughts as the only thing swimming around in your head as you can't communicate with everyone around you.

So.. There's a line between contemplating and doing. I know I want it to happen. I've been to a local hospital in my area and the doctors treated me like i was an animal, like all the ill people in there were irredeemable animals. Say you want to go home? More medication. Say you don't have any suicidal thoughts? Better up the dosage to make sure. We said you'd go home this week? Hmm. Next week. Sounds about right.

It's misery. Everything is misery. I've adopted a sort of cheap laugh that apparently passes for real laughter that I can use. People are starting to notice my voice. That's the only identifying thing that I can't put away. I've taken acting classes so if someone ever were to suggest that I may be suicidal, I am more than able to pass it off as being sick or that I was just thinking about something.

Sometimes the mood aligns and I'm ready to do it. Sometimes the mood goes away and I'm just caught contemplating.

But, I imagine this is similar to most people. Or if not, I apologize. I can't speak for the body of suicidal people.

When did you learn you crossed the line between suicidal and contemplating suicide? What do you think about fleeting moments of wanting help, only to learn that they're momentary or that the people you ask give those statements that evveryone gives such as "It's going to be better"?

 

[k75]

I knew I'd crossed the line after I went from fleeting thoughts, to obsessive rumination, and then actually purchased the supplies for my method. The ultimate shifting point was when it was all laid out in front of me. I've managed to pull myself back from the ledge for now, but for how long? It feels fragile, temporary, and way too real.

I also knew the line was crossed when I started keeping secrets. I started downplaying how bad it was, stopped confiding in my best friend about my depression. I won't talk about it unless I want to be stopped. I know I'm deadly serious if I don't want to be stopped. When I finally do it, nobody is going to see it coming.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I think the fine line is between just thinking about it and doing it. Being impulsive about it or actually planning everything out and gathering materials. For me personally it was anything that was a cry for help or a half-assed attempt and looking for help and now not looking for help and getting my plan in order. The fine line might be different for others, but that's how it is to me.

 

[itsmeagain]

I knew I'd crossed the line after I went from fleeting thoughts, to obsessive rumination, and then actually purchased the supplies for my method. The ultimate shifting point was when it was all laid out in front of me. I've managed to pull myself back from the ledge for now, but for how long? It feels fragile, temporary, and way too real.

I know exactly how you feel. It does feel temporary and I'd apologize, say "I'm sorry", but I don't like it when people say they're sorry, because it doesn't really convey anything, at least to me, nowadays. I think I've reached the rumination point at this point.

I think the fine line is between just thinking about it and doing it. Being impulsive about it or actually planning everything out and gathering materials. For me personally it was anything that was a cry for help or a half-assed attempt and looking for help and now not looking for help and getting my plan in order. The fine line might be different for others, but that's how it is to me.

That's really interesting to see that. I feel almost the same way. The cry for help, just giving up looking for help. I completely understand. Planning can be scary.

 

[MysticPerception]

I feel the line is obviously crossed when you look forward to taking your own life instead of just thinking about it. When you feel like this is the right choice I actually want this. If you hate the idea of it, if you're filled with nothing but dread and feel that you have no choice and are being forced into it that seems like you may still be just in the contemplating phase. Though I could also say the moment your impulsive attempts and ideas become well thought out plans that are being slowly carried out step by step is the moment you truly cross the line. There's a big difference between I need a sharp object RIGHT NOW and okay I'm going to purchase this and that and wait until this date at exactly this time. I'll make absolute sure everything is set up ahead of time and no one will interrupt me ect. The second you start planning it to that degree you've most likely crossed the line in my opinion.

 

[itsmeagain]

I feel the line is obviously crossed when you look forward to taking your own life instead of just thinking about it. When you feel like this is the right choice I actually want this. If you hate the idea of it, if you're filled with nothing but dread and feel that you have no choice and are being forced into it that seems like you may still be just in the contemplating phase. Though I could also say the moment your impulsive attempts and ideas become well thought out plans that are being slowly carried out step by step is the moment you truly cross the line. There's a big difference between I need a sharp object RIGHT NOW and okay I'm going to purchase this and that and wait until this date at exactly this time. I'll make absolute sure everything is set up ahead of time and no one will interrupt me ect. The second you start planning it to that degree you've most likely crossed the line in my opinion.

This is very enlightening. I feel like this response I resonate with the most personally. I saw you put a hug on my post, and was curious what would follow. I appreciate the hug by the way. But... I suppose if this is the case then I'm transitioning into the "doing" phase. I would say "I don't know how it got like this" but I suppose that's just what I tell everyone else. So I don't have to tell them my ENTIRE story just for them to try and poke holes in it and be like "Oh well at least this didn't happen there! At least this wasn't like this! It's okay because I know it'll get better! If you lived through that you can live through anything!"

It's just all empty. The statements are empty. There are no magic wands to fix anything, and I suppose... I suppose the line between "fine" and "contemplating" Can be between when stupid phrases and bits of advice stop working, and you learn that... words don't help anymore.

 

[MysticPerception]

This is very enlightening. I feel like this response I resonate with the most personally. I saw you put a hug on my post, and was curious what would follow. I appreciate the hug by the way. But... I suppose if this is the case then I'm transitioning into the "doing" phase. I would say "I don't know how it got like this" but I suppose that's just what I tell everyone else. So I don't have to tell them my ENTIRE story just for them to try and poke holes in it and be like "Oh well at least this didn't happen there! At least this wasn't like this! It's okay because I know it'll get better! If you lived through that you can live through anything!"

It's just all empty. The statements are empty. There are no magic wands to fix anything, and I suppose... I suppose the line between "fine" and "contemplating" Can be between when stupid phrases and bits of advice stop working, and you learn that... words don't help anymore.

I understand completely. Nothing anyone says works on me anymore. Positive nonsense and empty platitudes do nothing for me. At times they even frustrate me. None of them really care they would rather tell you what they think you want to hear then proceed to turn a blind eye to your suffering.

 

[Ghost2211]

My heart goes out to you. You're dealing with so much sadness. I am glad you are here with us.

There is for a line. A time when your life is more about your death than your life. I've crossed the line of commitment , but not the line of action. I have the SN, but wont use it yet.

 

[itsmeagain]

My heart goes out to you. You're dealing with so much sadness. I am glad you are here with us.

There is for a line. A time when your life is more about your death than your life. I've crossed the line of commitment , but not the line of action. I have the SN, but wont use it yet.

I keep hearing people talk about SN on this website when I was scrolling through the forums. I can only assume it's some type of very effective drug that most people take to go out? And thank you very much for your kind words though. These are different. Acknowledging the pain in others and speaking kindly without constant pressing of resolution is very refreshing. I'm glad you're here with us too. I don't know you, but I wish I could give you, and all the people who read and respond to this thread a real hug. Maybe they won't be able to feel it even if I was there, much like myself who is very numb to the feeling, but I wish I could.

I understand completely. Nothing anyone says works on me anymore. Positive nonsense and empty platitudes do nothing for me. At times they even frustrate me. None of them really care they would rather tell you what they think you want to hear then proceed to turn a blind eye to your suffering.

The bit with the blind eye really hit me deep. How do people do that...? How do they promise you things will be okay and believe that you're supposed to believe it? How did the first person who was ever told that "It would get better" ever believe them? How did it catch on? I responded to Roseybird and you know those're the type of words i wish more people would say. Some that hold an impact but leave you open to hurt, leave you open to feel.

 

[Ghost2211]

SN is sodium nitrite. It seems to be all the rage nowadays.

 

[k75]

I keep hearing people talk about SN on this website when I was scrolling through the forums. I can only assume it's some type of very effective drug that most people take to go out? And thank you very much for your kind words though. These are different. Acknowledging the pain in others and speaking kindly without constant pressing of resolution is very refreshing. I'm glad you're here with us too. I don't know you, but I wish I could give you, and all the people who read and respond to this thread a real hug. Maybe they won't be able to feel it even if I was there, much like myself who is very numb to the feeling, but I wish I could.

The bit with the blind eye really hit me deep. How do people do that...? How do they promise you things will be okay and believe that you're supposed to believe it? How did the first person who was ever told that "It would get better" ever believe them? How did it catch on? I responded to Roseybird and you know those're the type of words i wish more people would say. Some that hold an impact but leave you open to hurt, leave you open to feel.

There are some guides on SN floating around that are worth reading. You're right. It's popular because it's cheap, effective, and legal in most places. Also easy to get.

 

[itsmeagain]

SN is sodium nitrite. It seems to be all the rage nowadays.

Ah. I've heard of it. I believe I saw a post that said that someone passed away after having 1mg of it or something? It doesn't take much and I suppose it's very accessable. It's my understanding that medications overdose via SN is generally very reputable, but I think that way would be too frightening for me. I want to end it, but I don't want to.... I don't wanna have so much time where survival instincts leave me in pain, where I fry my brain just enough that it's an even worse hell without any release, as I mentioned in my post. My heart goes out to you too. Talking with like-minded people lets me get this off my mind. I think it may make this whole process swifter instead of as arduous as it is.

There are some guides on SN floating around that are worth reading. You're right. It's popular because it's cheap, effective, and legal in most places. Also easy to get.

Ah... Well, personally I think that my post response I just made sums up my feelings on it. it's a bit relieving that people are able to have the option.

 

[k75]

Yeah, I'd say the downside to SN is definitely that it is time consuming and takes planning, and that leaves you time to dwell on the whole thing. It's my method, mainly because I was lucky enough to already have all the other drugs that go with it. It's like it was meant to be. But I sure don't look forward to the process.

 

[TAW122]

I know that I have crossed a threshold when I purchased a firearm, over a year ago. I have held off last year (despite two potential catalysts that would have resulted in my CTB'ing) but this year I'm very certain I will end it because I don't look forward to the future and plus the plethora of problems that continue to plague me even to this day.

 

[itsmeagain]

Yeah, I'd say the downside to SN is definitely that it is time consuming and takes planning, and that leaves you time to dwell on the whole thing. It's my method, mainly because I was lucky enough to already have all the other drugs that go with it. It's like it was meant to be. But I sure don't look forward to the process.

I wouldn't say lucky, but also, I'm not you. I wouldn't know the pain you went through, but if I know anything, I know that it must have been a large amount to bring you to this point. I'm glad I'm able to message you and for the information that you gave to me about this.

I know that I have crossed a threshold when I purchased a firearm, over a year ago. I have held off last year (despite two potential catalysts that would have resulted in my CTB'ing) but this year I'm very certain I will end it because I don't look forward to the future and plus the plethora of problems that continue to plague me even to this day.

I'm afraid I don't exactly know what CTB'ing is, but I've heard about it as well. A year is a big window to put your life in. I just hope that you find peace in whatever, wherever you choose. But we don't get to choose our peace a lot of the time. I don't know what the problems are, but I'd imagine it would be too long for you to want to post or perhaps give away some sensative details that you don't wish to share, and I respect that.

 

[TAW122]

I'm afraid I don't exactly know what CTB'ing is, but I've heard about it as well.

It means to commit suicide, and CTB stands for 'catching the bus' where "bus" in this context refers to death.

 

[itsmeagain]

It means to commit suicide, and CTB stands for 'catching the bus' where "bus" in this context refers to death.

I really hope for the best for you. Except, where best means whatever YOU feel is the best. Thanks for clearing that up. If you or ANYONE reading this wishes to talk, you can PM me. I don't know if that works though, because the FAQ said i can'tmake a thread until I've posted a couple times, but I was able to make one right away. If you can, or when my PMS open, I will be willing to talk to anyone about how they feel or if you want comfort at whatever point. Even if it's hollow, if you just need to read some *hugs* before the time comes or when you're working through hard times... PM me.

 

[foreveryoung]

When did you learn you crossed the line between suicidal and contemplating suicide?

For me it took years, it started out as mental pain from external stimuli, but eventually my physical body couldn't take it anymore. Its not really contemplating but actually planning the logistics and how to carry it all out. It really depends on your location and situation you are in but for some like me It takes a lot of lot work just to get whats required and be confident its going to work. What really got me to go to the planning phase is realizing Its either a slow rot to death or ending it sooner.

What do you think about fleeting moments of wanting help, only to learn that they're momentary or that the people you ask give those statements that evveryone gives such as "It's going to be better"?

What i found out is that people simply don't know you, neither do you know others. Do you feel what others truly feel? its so difficult to do especially if you're isolated from others and people barely know you, even if others say they can feel you they're probably guessing, and you are guessing how others feel as well. I can't really tell how you feel, I'm guessing as well, the sad fact is we're all alone in this world and have to deal with it all ourselves. The key thing to realize i think is that we are all going to die eventually even if we don't choose to do so, and i think for most of us we'll cling onto that life no matter how crippled we become, but we can also be smart about it and choose to end it sooner.

 

[itsmeagain]

For me it took years, it started out as mental pain from external stimuli, but eventually my physical body couldn't take it anymore. Its not really contemplating but actually planning the logistics and how to carry it all out. It really depends on your location and situation you are in but for some like me It takes a lot of lot work just to get whats required and be confident its going to work. What really got me to go to the planning phase is realizing Its either a slow rot to death or ending it sooner.


What i found out is that people simply don't know you, neither do you know others. Do you feel what others truly feel? its so difficult to do especially if you're isolated from others and people barely know you, even if others say they can feel you they're probably guessing, and you are guessing how others feel as well. I can't really tell how you feel, I'm guessing as well, the sad fact is we're all alone in this world and have to deal with it all ourselves. The key thing to realize i think is that we are all going to die eventually even if we don't choose to do so, and i think for most of us we'll cling onto that life no matter how crippled we become, but we can also be smart about it and choose to end it sooner.

Although the end part about choosing to be smart and ending it sooner i don't necessarily agree with, I do think your philosophy is very interesting. There are people I know that have been through some traumatic stuff, but they deserve to live the full life because they have so much promise. Because they're so mentally healthy and abled. That there IS coming back for them. But... I do agree with people not knowing you. Perhaps that IS due to isolation like you mentioned, but it's so hard for people to break through that, you know? To the point where... you stop trying to let people in and just decide for yourself.

 

[LastRide]

SN is sodium nitrite. It seems to be all the rage nowadays.

LOL - could there be such a thing as fashions in suicide methods? So what will the trend for spring 2020 be?

 

[Inferdan]

There's a fine line between seriously contemplating, and actually being prepared to do it. For the first time in forever, it seemed like my life was actually going good. But then it didn't. It's sad. Everything is sad. I don't want to reveal too many identifying details, but I've had so many awful things happen to me. Now, the worst part, is that my SO as well as 5 of my lifelong friends aren't speaking to me. I don't want to place blame. Last night I scurried around my room, looking for something to end everything with. Medication? Only vitamins. Anything sharp? Can't find something fatal enough. Drive to a building and jump? I can hardly stand to be on my own two feet and walk around this room let alone get in my car and drive safely somewhere to end it. I had such a major build up of crippling pain I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle it. I found a song on youtube and listened to it, and what helped before wouldn't help now. I was certain that I was going to kill myself.

I was certain that it was gonna be my last moments on earth. I couldn't find anything. I started writing my suicide note, or, well, continued. I'm in uni, so there's people everywhere. What started a couple days ago as wearing a face mask to hide the fact that I haven't been shaving, blew into a "Oh, nobody can see my frown with this face mask on. They can't read my face. With my long hair it covers my eyes too so I'm just a blank slate." It seemed to me like using the Corona virus as an excuse was a good idea too. I would recommend you get a face mask if you're struggling with similar things, especially the ones on amazon that have the cute smiley faces and stuff on them. The only thing you have to worry about is your voice, and I can't imagine that many job places would be adverse to you wearing a face mask with the excuse of the virus or being a germaphobe.

Today, I've taken away from impulse suicidal thoughts and went into planned. Now, nothing is certain. Falls from buildings are scary, cutting wrists doesn't work, I don't have access to a firearm, medication OD's are too risky to be a potato and have everyone around you keep you alive because they feel that you'll get better, and living in a talkless, blankless mess that has no escape and, who knows, that's caught up with the suicidal thoughts as the only thing swimming around in your head as you can't communicate with everyone around you.

So.. There's a line between contemplating and doing. I know I want it to happen. I've been to a local hospital in my area and the doctors treated me like i was an animal, like all the ill people in there were irredeemable animals. Say you want to go home? More medication. Say you don't have any suicidal thoughts? Better up the dosage to make sure. We said you'd go home this week? Hmm. Next week. Sounds about right.

It's misery. Everything is misery. I've adopted a sort of cheap laugh that apparently passes for real laughter that I can use. People are starting to notice my voice. That's the only identifying thing that I can't put away. I've taken acting classes so if someone ever were to suggest that I may be suicidal, I am more than able to pass it off as being sick or that I was just thinking about something.

Sometimes the mood aligns and I'm ready to do it. Sometimes the mood goes away and I'm just caught contemplating.

But, I imagine this is similar to most people. Or if not, I apologize. I can't speak for the body of suicidal people.

When did you learn you crossed the line between suicidal and contemplating suicide? What do you think about fleeting moments of wanting help, only to learn that they're momentary or that the people you ask give those statements that evveryone gives such as "It's going to be better"?

I'm on the fine grey line between contemplating and committing. I'm still fighting, but these next couple of months will determine if I go a bit longer or I finally reach the end of the spiral down.

 

[itsmeagain]

I'm on the fine grey line between contemplating and committing. I'm still fighting, but these next couple of months will determine if I go a bit longer or I finally reach the end of the spiral down.

Lots of hugs, and lots of thoughts. It can be difficult deciding what to do, but you'll have the support of people on this website should you need it.