Constant feelings of loss and hopelessness

[borntodie777]

is it just me or has anyone else suffered from severe depression since childhood? I've been through a lot of things, have been cheated on multiple times, have no friends and therefore zero social skills. I just can't focus on med school because I have missed out so much in life that my mind screams and begs me to live those experiences first. It seems like medschool has no end, ive been in this prison since high school and have no life outside of this.

And I'm completely dependent on my controlling parents at the age of 23. Even if I run away my mental issues will always be with me and haunt me forever.

I want to kill myself so bad, I know my mental issues have no cure. My head is full of regrets and loss and no drug or therapy can make them go away.

I just want to open the door, pack a bag full of my clothes and just run away as far as possible. Maybe live in a forest or something.

I just don't want to exist anymore.

Has anyone else here been through this and come out successful on the other end?

 

[Anima]

I know how that feels and I wish I could tell you that I have found a way out, a way to get better. Do you think you'd be better if you had more freedom? I know a lot of people that have managed to get away from an unhealthy environment somehow and to finally live a "good" life. It is possible I guess.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

We're the wrong crowd to ask but outside of us normal people make it through every day. You can to. It gets better.

 

[borntodie777]

I know how that feels and I wish I could tell you that I have found a way out, a way to get better. Do you think you'd be better if you had more freedom? I know a lot of people that have managed to get away from an unhealthy environment somehow and to finally live a "good" life. It is possible I guess.

I would LOVE some freedom actually but I think the damage has been done. I'm physically deformed, fat, ugly.. I don't know how to socialize and I am not sure I can learn and catch up at 23 with people of my age.

I also don't know if dropping out of med school to an uncertain future is a good idea. I've been contemplating running away to Toronto (from my current location in Florida) but what after that? It's really cold in Toronto right now so I can't live on the streets and it's practically impossible to get a job in Toronto without a degree.

I am looking into shelters right now. I also wanted to know if I'll be charged under grand theft auto if I stole the car to get to the airport or greyhound bus station to buy a ticket and just leave.

It'll be a struggle in the shitty Canadian weather but it's not like I have a choice. Feels pathetic to be a 23 year old baby completely in control of my parents.

 

[Haze]

Dude I think you should stay in med school. Props to you for being smart enough to get in. Just stick with it, don't throw everything away without a plan. That's suicide in slow motion. I quit my great job and regret it.

 

[borntodie777]

Dude I think you should stay in med school. Props to you for being smart enough to get in. Just stick with it, don't throw everything away without a plan. That's suicide in slow motion. I quit my great job and regret it.

Thanks, meanwhile I have to plan my exit and get out ASAP.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thanks, meanwhile I have to plan my exit and get out ASAP.

I'm with Haze - you must have serious smarts to be in med school, jeez they wouldn't even let me hold the door open I reckon.

Is there anyway you can make it bearable til you graduate? Then you can give your family the finger and get off to a sparkling career and leave them well behind. What sort of stuff do you like doing? Do you like studying? Do you think you can find a way to bury yourself in your study til you graduate?

Xx

 

[borntodie777]

I'm with Haze - you must have serious smarts to be in med school, jeez they wouldn't even let me hold the door open I reckon.

Is there anyway you can make it bearable til you graduate? Then you can give your family the finger and get off to a sparkling career and leave them well behind. What sort of stuff do you like doing? Do you like studying? Do you think you can find a way to bury yourself in your study til you graduate?

Xx

It'll be 3 more years till I graduate and can start earning my own money. I don't think I can live even a week here anymore let alone 3 more years. This feels like a prison compared to when I was living on my own to finish my semester in Chicago.

Not that I was very social or partied every night in Chicago but atleast there wasn't this pressure and this heavy feeling in my chest about being watched constantly.

I just want to kill myself, I'm 100% sure that my mental issues are not treatable unless someone brings me a time machine to fix my past.

Either that or I run away to Toronto, give up everything I have done so far and start again in a shitty minimum wage job with the freedom to do whatever I want, without any outside pressure.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Is there anywhere else you can live and still go to school or transfer so you can still study? I hate the idea of you having to quit on your education when you've done so damn well to get where you are.

Have you seen a doctor and tried any meds or therapy?

Sending you hugs xx

 

[borntodie777]

Is there anywhere else you can live and still go to school or transfer so you can still study? I hate the idea of you having to quit on your education when you've done so damn well to get where you are.

Have you seen a doctor and tried any meds or therapy?

Sending you hugs xx

As I said all the money is controlled by my parents. I might manage to put my studies on hold till I find a job and collect enough money to pay for my education. The enterance tests alone costs 200 bucks if I'm not wrong.

If only my parents allowed me some freedom instead of turning me into an obedient little robot.. fuckkk

I have come to hate my intelligence, wish I was normal and "stupid" like other people instead of over analyzing and overthinking everything.

Like someone? Just tell them, want to sleep with someone? Just tell them, want to do drugs and drink till 5am every night? Yeeeah brooo

Wanna be an artist and live the good life? Woohoo yeaah

Fuck medicine..and fuck my mind.. the most useless thing to ever exist, has given me nothing but misery and top it all off the damn parents who won't cut my fucking leash and let me wander and learn like every teen does. Boring, controlling, obsessive assholes who don't give a fuck about my happiness or well being.

I am fed up of this shit, I want to hang myself but with my shitty luck the rope will probably break or I'll be found.

 

[Final Escape]

I would LOVE some freedom actually but I think the damage has been done. I'm physically deformed, fat, ugly.. I don't know how to socialize and I am not sure I can learn and catch up at 23 with people of my age.

I also don't know if dropping out of med school to an uncertain future is a good idea. I've been contemplating running away to Toronto (from my current location in Florida) but what after that? It's really cold in Toronto right now so I can't live on the streets and it's practically impossible to get a job in Toronto without a degree.

I am looking into shelters right now. I also wanted to know if I'll be charged under grand theft auto if I stole the car to get to the airport or greyhound bus station to buy a ticket and just leave.

It'll be a struggle in the shitty Canadian weather but it's not like I have a choice. Feels pathetic to be a 23 year old baby completely in control of my parents.

You must get away from your parents. Are u sure u can't get a job without a degree? You are young and I'm sure there's something u can do. It may not be high paying but you have to start somewhere. You can always gradually move on to a better job. Don't worry about not having social skills at 23. That you can catch up on with experience. A job will help that too. It forces you to interact. I bet you probably aren't as ugly and fat as you think. These are things u can work on too. It's not like you are doomed. The only way you will be doomed is if u don't take any risks and never get out from under the parents. I know it's scary as fuck at first. Gradually u meet people and figure things out. Becoming a doctor these days might not be satisfying, because it's so heavily regulated by the government. Doctors these days have extremely high suicide rates.

 

[borntodie777]

We're the wrong crowd to ask but outside of us normal people make it through every day. You can to. It gets better.

It doesn't get better dude, I have seen years pass by since I was 16. I tried everything but I just can't socialize and learn like normal people do. I'm mentally retarded

 

[borntodie777]

You must get away from your parents. Are u sure u can't get a job without a degree? You are young and I'm sure there's something u can do. It may not be high paying but you have to start somewhere. You can always gradually move on to a better job. Don't worry about not having social skills at 23. That you can catch up on with experience. A job will help that too. It forces you to interact. I bet you probably aren't as ugly and fat as you think. These are things u can work on too. It's not like you are doomed. The only way you will be doomed is if u don't take any risks and never get out from under the parents. I know it's scary as fuck at first. Gradually u meet people and figure things out. Becoming a doctor these days might not be satisfying, because it's so heavily regulated by the government. Doctors these days have extremely high suicide rates.

Yeah but I have had fresh starts so many times just to get under my parents thumb again. I just want to run away, I don't care if I become a doctor or a janitor as long as I have enough to feed myself.

I am sick of my parents and their grand fantasies that require me sacrifice everything. I already had my first job at 16, which I had to leave because my dad started complaining, then at 19, the money I earned from that was spent on paying off my student loans in instalments, then 21 which I again had to leave because of med school. I just want to wander on streets and live my own life now..

My eyes don't work anymore because of all the reading and spending hours upon hours in front of the computer. I've gone fucking crazy because of this thing. I just wan to run away and hope my clingy parents would leave me alone.

 

[Anima]

I would LOVE some freedom actually but I think the damage has been done. I'm physically deformed, fat, ugly.. I don't know how to socialize and I am not sure I can learn and catch up at 23 with people of my age.

I also don't know if dropping out of med school to an uncertain future is a good idea. I've been contemplating running away to Toronto (from my current location in Florida) but what after that? It's really cold in Toronto right now so I can't live on the streets and it's practically impossible to get a job in Toronto without a degree.

I am looking into shelters right now. I also wanted to know if I'll be charged under grand theft auto if I stole the car to get to the airport or greyhound bus station to buy a ticket and just leave.

It'll be a struggle in the shitty Canadian weather but it's not like I have a choice. Feels pathetic to be a 23 year old baby completely in control of my parents.

It is never too late to interact with other people. It takes practice, that's all. Don't give up in that just yet. It does get better once you meet the right kind of people.

I agree with Haze. Try to stay in med school, it's a great opportunity. Unless totally hate it. Three years sounds like an aweful lot, but I think you habe come quite far!

What are your parents like?

Do you think things would be better without them "controlling" you? Whatever you mean by that.

 

[borntodie777]

That's no more true than "it gets better". It CAN...the only way to find out is to find out. Everyone has a limit so it's wrong of people to guilt others to stay longer than they can endure in my view....but that doesn't mean nothing ever improves for anyone and it's never worth trying. It's a case by case thing as lame as that sounds. It's hard to get a clear assessment often because we are colored by our pain...and those we talk to don't get it....so finding someone to help you see the reality is not easy.

True, I must say I'm only speaking for myself and from my experience. I don't want to discourage anyone who might not be as miserable as i am

 

[msexit]

I suffer with chronic feelings of undo loss and hopelessness, the pain is real

 

[Pulpit2018]

At this point its not longer feelings.Just the natural state of my existence...