Awesomefoid67
she/it, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 745
the thought occurred to me today that i could have it. i mainly had the idea cus like for the past month i've been obsessed with the idea of having some terrible health condition like thyroid problems or MS or cancer or a heart attack. it's gotten to the point now where most of my day is spent googling tiny symptoms to try figure it out, and when i don't google (i know its a bad idea) the anxiety just builds up more and more about what if it's something deadly and if i don't google it so it can be treated i die?
after realising this i looked back and saw other things that could potentially be signs but i'm not sure. i wrote it all into a list so i wouldnt forget but idk, i'll just copy and paste it here. some of it i'm not sure if it's related or not, and idk if it truly is cus alot of the time it isn't always present and only appears in certain situations. also i might edit the list a bit to remove any identifying details
"
for the past month i have had worries over my health and over half the day for like almost every day has been spent googling different "symptoms" because if i don't google them or resesearch them i get more and more worried the "symptom" could be a sign of something dangerous, i have been to a&e like 5 times in the last month of two.
for the past 2-3 years ever since a friend pointed out signs i might have a certain mental health problem (as well as a few rsndom strangers), i have been obsessing over whether i do/don't have it and constantly arguing with myself in my head about it almost every day, also about once or twice a week (sometimes longer gaps sometimes shorter) i go on spreed of resding/asking on reddit or on different articles/tests to find reasons why i do/dont have it. i also spent like 6+ hours today reading about ocd. similarly, when i first realised i was transgender for about a year i was almost constantly obsessing over whether i actually was transgender
i also semi frequently have thoughts of doing bad things to other people(and urges to do those things) (e.g acts of violence or sexual assault). for instance, i frequently get urges to randomly kiss/grab strangers which make me feel awful and i either have to keep telling myself in my hesd that i would never do that or physically restrain myself/leave the area because otherwise i feel like i might end up doing it. There was one time i was playing around holding a wrench and talking to my mum, and i had the sudden urge to whack her in the head, which caused me to run back diwnstairs and engage in self harm to "punish" myself. other times j get urges to punch or trip people over in public, and to deal with these urges i usually bite down on my finger to try and distract myself. also, when riding in cars, i frequently get the urge to grab the steering wheel and turn as hard as possible, to which i have to mentally tell myself not to do that because i.m scared i might.
I'm not sure if this counts as one, but i frequently worry sbout getting robbed/attacked in public. if i see someone walking towards me i have to do a mental analysis of them to determine if i feel like they're likely to do so to help me stop worrying. i also have to keep my phone in my pocket snd my pocket zipped up 90% of the time, and have to constantly look behind me to ensure theres no one following me. sometimes if i see people walking ahead i also try and take an alternate path to avoid them. this and the example i mentioned above mainly only happen when i go outside or am around other people, which leads me to staying in my room a majority of the time.
i also have infrequent intrusive sexual thoughts about friends, strangers, and sometimes even children/animals. these also usually result in me feeling like i'm a bad person and having to srgue with myself in my head about it, and in the case of friends i try to avoid anything which may trigger these, such as jokingly flirting or looking at pictures of them (even fully clothed).
a very minor one is whenever i'm near a body of water or height i frequently get urges to either throw what i'm holding in/off or jump in/off, which results in me having to put whatever im holding in my pocket or move away from the ledge/water because i get scared i will actually do it. similarly, every time i cross over a bridge i constantly worry that it's going to collapse and kill me, and i have to come up with reasons that it wont (e.g the weather conditions are fine, it's been stable for a while so why would it break now, etc)
this one could just be simple anxiety or some kind of rejection sensitive dysphoria but i also frequently avoid messaging people for periods because i'm afraid that they won't reply fast enough or at all or in the right way. i am also sometimes unable to speak to people irl because i am scared i might say something wrong and embarass myself"
i'm not like asking to be disgnosed or anything, i more want to know what others think and like if i'm overthinking it or it could be something else, aside from thst i plan to do more research into it and maybe ask a doctor about possibly getting assessed
(also apologies for any typos i was lowkey going insane while writing it with all the questioning in my head (i then lowkey had what could be a panic attack right after but i'm not sure cus like i felt my hands and feet tingling and was convinced it must be a sign of something awful and that i was going to die if i didnt go to a&e but obviously cus ive been 5 times atleast recently and it was 6am my parents refused to take me)
after realising this i looked back and saw other things that could potentially be signs but i'm not sure. i wrote it all into a list so i wouldnt forget but idk, i'll just copy and paste it here. some of it i'm not sure if it's related or not, and idk if it truly is cus alot of the time it isn't always present and only appears in certain situations. also i might edit the list a bit to remove any identifying details
"
for the past month i have had worries over my health and over half the day for like almost every day has been spent googling different "symptoms" because if i don't google them or resesearch them i get more and more worried the "symptom" could be a sign of something dangerous, i have been to a&e like 5 times in the last month of two.
for the past 2-3 years ever since a friend pointed out signs i might have a certain mental health problem (as well as a few rsndom strangers), i have been obsessing over whether i do/don't have it and constantly arguing with myself in my head about it almost every day, also about once or twice a week (sometimes longer gaps sometimes shorter) i go on spreed of resding/asking on reddit or on different articles/tests to find reasons why i do/dont have it. i also spent like 6+ hours today reading about ocd. similarly, when i first realised i was transgender for about a year i was almost constantly obsessing over whether i actually was transgender
i also semi frequently have thoughts of doing bad things to other people(and urges to do those things) (e.g acts of violence or sexual assault). for instance, i frequently get urges to randomly kiss/grab strangers which make me feel awful and i either have to keep telling myself in my hesd that i would never do that or physically restrain myself/leave the area because otherwise i feel like i might end up doing it. There was one time i was playing around holding a wrench and talking to my mum, and i had the sudden urge to whack her in the head, which caused me to run back diwnstairs and engage in self harm to "punish" myself. other times j get urges to punch or trip people over in public, and to deal with these urges i usually bite down on my finger to try and distract myself. also, when riding in cars, i frequently get the urge to grab the steering wheel and turn as hard as possible, to which i have to mentally tell myself not to do that because i.m scared i might.
I'm not sure if this counts as one, but i frequently worry sbout getting robbed/attacked in public. if i see someone walking towards me i have to do a mental analysis of them to determine if i feel like they're likely to do so to help me stop worrying. i also have to keep my phone in my pocket snd my pocket zipped up 90% of the time, and have to constantly look behind me to ensure theres no one following me. sometimes if i see people walking ahead i also try and take an alternate path to avoid them. this and the example i mentioned above mainly only happen when i go outside or am around other people, which leads me to staying in my room a majority of the time.
i also have infrequent intrusive sexual thoughts about friends, strangers, and sometimes even children/animals. these also usually result in me feeling like i'm a bad person and having to srgue with myself in my head about it, and in the case of friends i try to avoid anything which may trigger these, such as jokingly flirting or looking at pictures of them (even fully clothed).
a very minor one is whenever i'm near a body of water or height i frequently get urges to either throw what i'm holding in/off or jump in/off, which results in me having to put whatever im holding in my pocket or move away from the ledge/water because i get scared i will actually do it. similarly, every time i cross over a bridge i constantly worry that it's going to collapse and kill me, and i have to come up with reasons that it wont (e.g the weather conditions are fine, it's been stable for a while so why would it break now, etc)
this one could just be simple anxiety or some kind of rejection sensitive dysphoria but i also frequently avoid messaging people for periods because i'm afraid that they won't reply fast enough or at all or in the right way. i am also sometimes unable to speak to people irl because i am scared i might say something wrong and embarass myself"
i'm not like asking to be disgnosed or anything, i more want to know what others think and like if i'm overthinking it or it could be something else, aside from thst i plan to do more research into it and maybe ask a doctor about possibly getting assessed
(also apologies for any typos i was lowkey going insane while writing it with all the questioning in my head (i then lowkey had what could be a panic attack right after but i'm not sure cus like i felt my hands and feet tingling and was convinced it must be a sign of something awful and that i was going to die if i didnt go to a&e but obviously cus ive been 5 times atleast recently and it was 6am my parents refused to take me)
