Venting Considering Taking My Life

[losthope123]

I have had a really tough semester. This semester I took several really hard classes. Normally, these types of classes might result in a B for me, but I am probably going to fail some of them. This all goes back to the fact that I had some strong feelings towards a girl. About 10 months ago, I met a girl who happened to be the same major as me. She was very beautiful and I found that I loved her personality. She is a little but out of my league, but I thought it couldn't hurt to give it a shot. So, when I found out that I had classes with her the next semester (this past spring) I got excited and I made sure to try to get to know her better. The more I was around her, the more I liked her. Now, as I stated before, she is a little bit out of my league. I have always struggled to find and develop close friendships and have had no success finding romantic partners. I am in my second year of college and have never even kissed a girl nor dated one. As time has gone on, this has really worn on me. It makes me feel like a complete failure. In high school, I didn't really have any close friends. I got along with people, but ultimatly I was just there. In fact, when I came back home over the oast summer, I really only worked and played video games because I truly had no one to hang out with. I feel like I am going to miss out on all the good things in life and just grow old alone. Another thing that jas hurt recently is the whole emmegram personality test trend. Several people in my classes were taking and talking about what there personality score was. The score gives you an idea as to what your personality trends are, and why you act in this way. I scored a 6 on the test, which is the Loyalist. This may sound good at first, as loyalty is a good thing, but when I read the 6's description I was even more saddened. The 6 is the type that has trouble trusting people, and constantly tests people to see if they are worthy of their loyalty. Sadly, I realized while reading that, that is something that I tend to do. I guess since that is my score and who I am there isn't much I can do about it. I wish I was someone different. I don't want to be the type of person that is paranoid about every little thing and action, but I don't think there is way to change my own personality. I wish I was more popular. I wish I looked better. I wish that I was higher in the social rankings so to speak. I always have, going back to when I was a little boy. When I was in primary school, I had this habit where I would flap my hands when I got excited. I got made fun of for that. I of course couldn't help it at the age I was at. I think that and the fact that I could just never really fit in anywhere really set the tone for my life. The possibility of moving up in the scoial rankings is what has always driven me to try and succeed. I have never had issues with money or possessions, just relationships outside of my family. The closest thing I had to a friend as a kid would be my grandparents. While other people went on cool trips over summer and spring break with their friends, I always went to my grandparents. Unfortunetly, I know that they will not be around forever. Nor will my parents. I don't want to end up alone with no one to be with me. That is why finding a girlfriend, and consequelty a wife has always been of upmost importance to me, and part of the reason why what this girl did hurt so much. When I entered college I ended up picking up a fraternity. I initially didn't want to do this as I was afraid of getting hazed, but in the end I thought that it might help me in my quest. I am in some ways a nerd. I wear glasses. Unlike during the summer, I don't play video game hardly at all during college. I am pretty involved on campus and am even a president of a club. I hold a position within my fraternity. The first year of college was fun. I thought my life was finaly taking a turn for the better. For once I seemed to finally have a core group of guys that I could call close friends due to me being in the fraternity. The one thing that was missing that I desired more than anything though was a girlfriend. Being a type 6, I tend to take a long time to work up the courage to ask a girl to a date or a formal. During my freshemn year though, I met a girl during a school sponsered event. I thought she was extremely beautiful. Naturally, I decided to get to know her better, and over the course of about 10 months, that is what I did. We ended up studying together for a test, and during that time we got into some deep and personal conversations with each other. That is what got me the cnfidence to finally ask her to a date party. To my surprise she actually said yes. I was completely overjoyed over this. Then I was saddned when she told me that her sister was coming into town and she wouldn't be able to go. I believed her excuse. I ended up not going to the date party at all, and instead when all my fraternity brothers were off having fun, I went eat alone at the campus cafeteria. That is when my world chaged for the worse, as I saw her in the cafeteria, talking ti one of her soroity sisters and not her actual sister from out of town. She thought so little of me that she was willing to lie to get out of a date party. I am not even worthy of people's honesty I guess. The fact that I had worked for 10 months towards this didn't help matters. It put me in a state of deppression that I since have not gotton out of. That night I drove out to bridge in my state that is roughly 200 ft off the ground and is a known suicide bridge. However, I chickend out. My fraternity brothers noticed the change in me, and many of them turned theur backs on me. Said that I wasn't being a good brother anymore. One of them even went as far to shame me during a meeting. I thought the whole point of being a brither is that you stick by them when they are going through tough times? I guess I should've seen this coming, as several of them made fun of me for even trying to ask this girl to a date party. "3 is going for a 9," they said basically calling me too ugly for her. Again these are people that took an oath to be my brother for life. If they won't stand by me, then who will? Over the lsast couple of months, my relationship with everyone deterioted. I don't really care about class anymore. It seems as if my fraternity brothers hate me now. And I completely failed to even get this girl to go to a damn pumpkin patch, forget asking her to be my girlfriend. I just feel like a compelte failure now. Since I am proabbly going to fail some classes, I might not get into graduate school, so honestly this silly drama fest is going to have some big consequences down the road. If being in a fraternity, being involved on camous, and being good friends wirh this girl was not enough, then i don't see how I can expect a different result with the next girl. I think i am going to end up alone my whole life, and I would rather die than that happen. She had actually become a close friend if mine too, and of course this whole event has made it where we don't really speak anymore. The only way I see of making all this go way is too take my life. This failure is kind of the powder keg that has exploded and made me realize that there probably is no hope for me nto find happiness in life. I think want to take my life, I just want to find a less scarry way of doing it. One idea is that i should drink a whole bunch one I get to the bridge, so I'll be more liekly to go through with it? What do yall think of that idea? Is there a different method you would use in this scenario?

 

[BlueWidow]

Hello,

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for your suffering. Check out the list of resources in the suicide discussion thread. Find a method that is best for you. Also, this is a great place to vent and discuss topics others might not understand. This forum is full of great information and compassionate people who will listen to you and understand what you're going through. Suicide, or ctb ( catching the bus) shouldn't be done impulsively. It increases your risk of failure, discovery, and being "saved" by some nosey do -gooder and thrown in the psych ward.
I wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do and hope to see you around.

 

[notjustyetagain]

$0.02¢... re drinking at the bridge, i find alcohol can affect suicidality in two ways: make it overwhelming (everything is terribad and must be stopped) or negate it (fuck it, i don't care how bad things are). i've attempted suicide thrice when drunk, but way more often convinced myself that my problems were no big deal, and got plastered to forget about them. so i'm not sure you can depend on alcohol diminishing your survival instincts (SI).

i never made it to college so can't speak from experience, but can firmly say that people in high school were at their arseholiest. most people in school were cruel, insecure, unsympathetic, callous, dogmatic, and cold; it may be similar in college, possibly worse. you may find better friends with people who share your interests rather than simply being fraternity "brothers"? re your romantic life, i commend you for braving out a relationship attempt! that's hard, especially the first. nothing can diminish the pain except time and continuing trying, though that's far easier said than done. but you've tried before and things were even going well until she lied to you -- and that's her fuck-up, not yours.

also, regarding personality tests that try to shoehorn individuals into one-dimensional "types", maybe take them with a titanic obelisk of salt. re the "loyalty type": the moment i trust someone else, i'm "testing" that person's loyalty. i haven't met anyone who genuinely trusted no one with anything, so everyone i've known "tests" others' loyalty to some extent. as tidy as the bows on those boxes are, i'm not convinced it's useful to place people inside them.

(and yes, welcome! this forum is uniquely amazing.)