Help Considerations before suicide

[S7W5115A9H0]

I just feel so lost and I would like to disappear. I can't run away from me and now in quarantine where I was forced to spend so much time with myself I just realised even more what a bad person I am. I feel like I have faked all my accomplishments and I am so scared that people might found out who I really am. I just had so much luck in my live but I didn't deserve this. Of course, in the moment when things turn out to be good and I have luck, I am happy but this holds only for a short term because then my feeling of guilt and self-hate comes back and haunts me. People always think that I am competent and thus, have high expectations of me and my abilities, but I know it is only a matter of time and then they will find out that I am a phony and then my life will crumble and I will fall deep. I don't want to continue to this point and would like to end it before I fall. Furthermore, I can't be happy and feel so restless and alienated. I just enjoy moments but these are just small fractions of the rest of my life. I also hate my body and I think this is also a big issue because I can never go somewhere without being ashamed of who I am and how I look. Now I have gained weight and I am so scared to go out again because people would see that I lost control. I just need a plan to end it all because I can't handle my life anymore, because the biggest enemy is myself and I cannot escape it.

I have already thought a lot about how I would like to end it and I also made a list of the things that are important to me. For example, I want to minimise the pain my suicide would cause to others as far as possible. But then the question arises if I should pretend to have an accident so that they don't feel guilty or if I should write my most important persons a letter that it is not their fault. I really love all my friends and family and they have kept me going and I want them to know how much I love them. But if I pretend to have an accident any message or letter of this kind would be suspicious. Nobody knows that I am suicidal or how deep my pain really is. And I feel so guilty because all people I met in my life were super nice and friendly. I was thinking of going hiking in the mountains and just disappear. But as I said I want to give them something back for their kindness before. So, do you have any ideas?
If I decide against pretending it to be an accident I considered SN but it is super hard to get it here and I couldn't find any seller so far.
I also want to have sorted out everything before but don't know what I should do with my online social media accounts. I was thinking of leaving them as a memory but I am not completely sure yet. And right now I don't live in my original country so if I do it here my body must be transported to my home country to be buried and I guess this will cost quite a bit. I don't know if I can somehow pay for this in advance. What should I cancel before I go? Of course all subscriptions but what about the bank account, where can I transfer the money or will it automatically be assigned to my family after my death? Should I quit my job before or is it better not to quit in case I change my mind or my CTB is unsuccessful. I also want to leave there everything in order because my colleagues are great and I don't want to leave any mess or extra work to them. And I was wondering how my family would be informed if I die here without any family around. Would the police investigate my family and contact them even though they live in another country or does anyone know how this would work? Or are they allowed to look at my phone contacts and for example inform friends living here even though they are no relatives? Because I could imagine that they are only allowed to inform relatives due to the professional secrecy? Or does anyone know if it would also be an option to commit suicide and leave a letter to the police or medical service that they are not allowed to tell anyone the cause of death or that it was suicide under the professional secrecy?
My life has not really brought any advantages to anyone but I really love nature and somehow my last wish would be that people close to me should plant trees in my name so that they have a memory of me and my life had at least a small positive impact on the environment. It is probably a super weird fantasy of me but this is the only thing I wish for. However, I think I don't know how I could communicate this wish.

Sorry for the super long text, but I would be grateful for any ideas or some more knowledge on the specific questions.

 

[GirlInBlue]

Unfortunately, I have these same questions about my own circumstance. I think that you can't make everything perfect, but maybe you could focus on just doing the things that are most important and just take everything day by day for now.
There are some pre-planned death services (burials, ect.). It would still cost a lot but at least the price wouldn't be a shock to your family. You could also set up a will as well. Of course, I don't where you live or what is available to you, but it is something to look into.
I really wish I could help more with this; you are putting a lot of thought and effort into your plans which shows just what a caring person you are. I hope everything works out.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The death certificate is a matter of public record, so it won't be a secret, although someone may have to pay to get a copy, I'm not sure what are the restrictions for getting one. The next of kin will be told the cause of death.

Edit: Yes, your family will be contacted. I'm an expat from the US. The US Dept of State will be notified, and they will notify my family, who will then have to decide whether or not to identify my body and to repatriate it. Check the laws of your country.

 

[FriendofDeath]

One thing I've been thinking of, for my own personal use as well as being a record for those who might need it if I'm gone, is to put important information in a notebook - account numbers, passwords, in my case I have automatic withdrawals. I'll include life insurance info, car stuff, my retirement fund and my wishes for my remains. I'll include info about caring for my cats and anything I want to have either buried with me or given to a family member. I realize most of this can go into a will. Need some kind of directive, too, whether to have a do not resuscitate.

I would not quit my job (in my personal case, no longer employable), but I'd do my best to keep it organized. You could always write letters and decide at a later time whether you'll need them or not.

Have you always been so hard on yourself? Most of us are experts in that department. The thing is it sounds like you have great relationships with people, and I'm guessing that some of them are a good judge of character. It's difficult to fake everything on a regular basis. Have things changed for you? For instance, are you having trouble remembering or learning new material - anything like that? It's possible there is something physically going on. My own situation started with Bell's Palsy, which for the most part didn't leave any lasting effects, but my autoimmune system started doing its own thing, and it greatly affected my ability to just get through a regular day. Also, have you ever talked with a professional? I don't know what country you're in, but there could be online options.

I want you to know I support whatever decision you make. It just seems like you are overwhelmed, and if there was some way to work through that, you might believe more in yourself. I went to the doctor yesterday and dreaded the weigh-in, but I figure what the heck? When the pandemic started I feared the food supply would get messed up so I overcompensated. It happens! Sending you light and love and a very long response!