Venting Connections

[ferrie]

An old friend I've known for like 8 years reached out the other day & invited me to a discord with a bunch of his friends. I really got my hopes up about rekindling that friendship, but it's all just been very bland surface level conversation. What you would have with acquaintances, not someone you used to talk to multiple times a day. I wish literally any of my friends that I had a close connection with still talked to me. Idk how I ended up so alone. Everyone really left me to drown at the hardest point of my life. There's always the opportunity to make new connections & I've always found ways to pick my self back up. It just seems pointless when as it stands I'm looking to ctb next week. Just really makes me sad that I'll die & probably no one will even care except my family

 

[Goku Black]

I wish literally any of my friends that I had a close connection with still talked to me. Idk how I ended up so alone.

Couldn't relate more to this.

 

[rokonie]

Sounds like it hasnt been long enough for you guys to get comfortable with each other yet? Give it some time and keep pushing yourself to talk there, it's worth a shot. You can always leave the server (or push it to the very bottom and pretend you arent in it) if it seems like you aren't going anywhere after a few months. That's what i do ;w;

 

[ferrie]

Sounds like it hasnt been long enough for you guys to get comfortable with each other yet? Give it some time and keep pushing yourself to talk there, it's worth a shot. You can always leave the server (or push it to the very bottom and pretend you arent in it) if it seems like you aren't going anywhere after a few months. That's what i do ;w;

Thanks for the advice. We're not just talking in the server, it's been in pms too. And I get what you're saying, it's just also frustrating to feel we do need to get comfortable with each other again bc we were close for YEARS & were keeping up with each other until I went into the hospital in February. I also can't push it to the bottom bc it's the only server I'm in Literally re-downloaded discord & made a new acc just for this. Idk. The effort just seems like too much. I definitely wouldn't be able to make it through a few months of this

 

[rokonie]

Thanks for the advice. We're not just talking in the server, it's been in pms too. And I get what you're saying, it's just also frustrating to feel we do need to get comfortable with each other again bc we were close for YEARS & were keeping up with each other until I went into the hospital in February. I also can't push it to the bottom bc it's the only server I'm in Literally re-downloaded discord & made a new acc just for this. Idk. The effort just seems like too much. I definitely wouldn't be able to make it through a few months of this

I think after some point one of you need to take the risk and open yourselves up, and that will allow for deeper conversations and a more comfortable vibe. It doesn't sound like the friend feels the need to do it so it might be up to you Tbh this is why I don't mind friends who tend to "overshare" (as long as they aren't using me as a wall to rant to without listening to me), I appreciate them being transparent and it lets me learn more about them and gives me more things to talk about haha

And yeah i've had to leave friend group chats and servers because being around people i desperately want to be friends with but not being able to break past the "acquaintance" barrier upsets me a lot more than it should. It makes me irrationally depressed so i completely know what u mean by not knowing if u can put up with this. I'd urge you to try and stay in the server and put yourself out there, the option to leave and distance yourself can always be a Plan B if you realize they rly aren't interested.

 

[ferrie]

I think after some point one of you need to take the risk and open yourselves up, and that will allow for deeper conversations and a more comfortable vibe. It doesn't sound like the friend feels the need to do it so it might be up to you Tbh this is why I don't mind friends who tend to "overshare" (as long as they aren't using me as a wall to rant to without listening to me), I appreciate them being transparent and it lets me learn more about them and gives me more things to talk about haha

And yeah i've had to leave friend group chats and servers because being around people i desperately want to be friends with but not being able to break past the "acquaintance" barrier upsets me a lot more than it should. It makes me irrationally depressed so i completely know what u mean by not knowing if u can put up with this. I'd urge you to try and stay in the server and put yourself out there, the option to leave and distance yourself can always be a Plan B if you realize they rly aren't interested.

I feel bad bc you're giving such good advice, but I plan to ctb next week

I think it really comes down to him not valuing the relationship as much as I do. He's always had anxiety 1-on-1 and has way closer friends than me now. While I have zero friends atp lol. It's nice to know that other ppl have similar experiences though. Makes it feel less like I'm overreacting. I tried for awhile reconnecting with a different friend & was actually kind of recovering. And then just me still being easily triggered got in the way & she blocked me. I keep trying to be more social bc I know it would be good for me & that I could recover if I tried. I'm just at a point where idk if it's worth it to try & end up just prolonging my distress

 

[rokonie]

I feel bad bc you're giving such good advice, but I plan to ctb next week

I think it really comes down to him not valuing the relationship as much as I do. He's always had anxiety 1-on-1 and has way closer friends than me now. While I have zero friends atp lol. It's nice to know that other ppl have similar experiences though. Makes it feel less like I'm overreacting. I tried for awhile reconnecting with a different friend & was actually kind of recovering. And then just me still being easily triggered got in the way & she blocked me. I keep trying to be more social bc I know it would be good for me & that I could recover if I tried. I'm just at a point where idk if it's worth it to try & end up just prolonging my distress

There's nothing to lose by being more open and leading the conversation if you plan on ctb soon. Iif he isn't interested then at least you won't have to deal with the hurt for long. Or maybe he'll reciprocate and you two can reconnect enough to encourage you to delay the date even by just a little.
And no you aren't overreacting imo. Understandably you'll invest more of yourself into any friendship that comes your way if you've gone long without many. Every failed attempt at making friends can push us closer to the edge ik that feel, it's partially why i made an account here ;; Im tired of constantly trying with some ppl but not getting anywhere.

 

[ferrie]

There's nothing to lose by being more open and leading the conversation if you plan on ctb soon. Iif he isn't interested then at least you won't have to deal with the hurt for long. Or maybe he'll reciprocate and you two can reconnect enough to encourage you to delay the date even by just a little.
And no you aren't overreacting imo. Understandably you'll invest more of yourself into any friendship that comes your way if you've gone long without many. Every failed attempt at making friends can push us closer to the edge ik that feel, it's partially why i made an account here ;; Im tired of constantly trying with some ppl but not getting anywhere.

Honestly I really appreciate you talking through this with me. I feel a bit more level about the whole thing. I've been a user here before & came back on this acc for kind of the same reason as you. I think he's probably not the kind of person that being super honest will go well with, but he has tried to introduce me to one of his friends in the server so that's at least smth... Seeing it as nothing to lose would definitely be better than treating it as pointless. Something to ruminate about before I can really make myself think that way probably, but it's a perspective that I can appreciate

 

[rokonie]

Honestly I really appreciate you talking through this with me. I feel a bit more level about the whole thing. I've been a user here before & came back on this acc for kind of the same reason as you. I think he's probably not the kind of person that being super honest will go well with, but he has tried to introduce me to one of his friends in the server so that's at least smth... Seeing it as nothing to lose would definitely be better than treating it as pointless. Something to ruminate about before I can really make myself think that way probably, but it's a perspective that I can appreciate

Np, making friends is so difficult so I wanted to reassure you that these feelings aren't weird or overdramatic Wishing you the best of luck with these friends. Even if he doesn't seem interested right now, I think he still invited you into the server because he considers you a good fit for the group and wants you to be a part of it.
I feel like im more talkative and easy to approach when I'm in that "im not going to be around much longer anyways" kind of feeling because idc what they think of me if im open. So ironically i end up meeting the most ppl when i feel the most suicidal I wish i could just be like that and not have plans to ctb that would be great haha

 

[ferrie]

Np, making friends is so difficult so I wanted to reassure you that these feelings aren't weird or overdramatic Wishing you the best of luck with these friends. Even if he doesn't seem interested right now, I think he still invited you into the server because he considers you a good fit for the group and wants you to be a part of it.
I feel like im more talkative and easy to approach when I'm in that "im not going to be around much longer anyways" kind of feeling because idc what they think of me if im open. So ironically i end up meeting the most ppl when i feel the most suicidal I wish i could just be like that and not have plans to ctb that would be great haha

Definitely feel less like I'm being overdramatic thank you He actually invited me to the server bc the site we met on when we were teenagers got shut down, so everyone moved to discord Oh that's interesting, I'm the exact opposite. It's not as bad online, but irl I go basically silent when I'm suicidal & get agoraphobia. Gotta love social anxiety. If only there was a way to keep that not caring abt what ppl think of you mindset. You gotta harness your social energy somehow lol

 

[rokonie]

Definitely feel less like I'm being overdramatic thank you He actually invited me to the server bc the site we met on when we were teenagers got shut down, so everyone moved to discord Oh that's interesting, I'm the exact opposite. It's not as bad online, but irl I go basically silent when I'm suicidal & get agoraphobia. Gotta love social anxiety. If only there was a way to keep that not caring abt what ppl think of you mindset. You gotta harness your social energy somehow lol

Social anxiety makes everything so hard, and that's why i can't make friends irl too ahh :(
I don't speak up nor leave an impression on people normally because i care too much about what ppl think, especially if they are ppl i want to be friends with. I think i get too worried that smth i say will make them not want to be friends with me. Which is why when im like "well im gonna die so whatever" thats when i can be more myself. Weird how the brain gets.

 

[ferrie]

Social anxiety makes everything so hard, and that's why i can't make friends irl too ahh :(
I don't speak up nor leave an impression on people normally because i care too much about what ppl think, especially if they are ppl i want to be friends with. I think i get too worried that smth i say will make them not want to be friends with me. Which is why when im like "well im gonna die so whatever" thats when i can be more myself. Weird how the brain gets.

I get ya. Even without the social anxiety aspect, it's so hard to meet people as an adult too. I've made like 4 friends irl since I turned 18 & that was only bc I was in college & none of them lasted very long. Adulthood is just destined to be lonely if you're not an extrovert

 

[cait_sith]

A little different from what you wrote but I will still say that What I hate the most is when people that haven't messaged me for ages and don't care about me invite me to a gathering of people I don't know or invite to their performance to signal to other people that they have a friend to watch them, like I am only good enough to act as a filler amongst other people or to be paraded around. I would like it more if they would hate me and not invite me to anything but I don't even get that and get this weird undignified slot of only getting to see someone in a context of going to a bar/event/etc where the objective is not talking to me but expect me to fill out some empty space to add fluff, thats just the worst and this time I will say no.

 

[ferrie]

A little different from what you wrote but I will still say that What I hate the most is when people that haven't messaged me for ages and don't care about me invite me to a gathering of people I don't know or invite to their performance to signal to other people that they have a friend to watch them, like I am only good enough to act as a filler amongst other people or to be paraded around. I would like it more if they would hate me and not invite me to anything but I don't even get that and get this weird undignified slot of only getting to see someone in a context of going to a bar/event/etc where the objective is not talking to me but expect me to fill out some empty space to add fluff, thats just the worst and this time I will say no.

I can't say I've ever been in quite the same situation as what you're describing, but it's always really exhausting to be the token "friend" that gets invited more out of obligation

 

[ferrie]

Just a little life update on this, but I think he told his girlfriend that I haven't been doing too well. We've never spoken before, but she started talking to me out of the blue today & we've been going back & forth all day about a book we've both read