Discussion Connect the dots

[Kyrok]

You know that kid's activity? Connect the dots? You use a pencil to draw a line from one dot to the next and it will result in a shape, an elephant or a bird for example.

Despite some positives in my life, I see myself as a failure, and am a failure overwhelmingly due to my own mistakes (losing my temper, saying the wrong thing, making the wrong decision, losing my patience, not paying attention, sloppiness, not being honest with myself, etc).

More specifically, I can itemize about a dozen key moments in my life, specific mistakes, tracing them back as far as kindergarten. Often, the circumstances resultant from prior mistakes positioned me for my next mistake.

They're each like dots. Each key moment. And my life is the shape made by the connected dots. When I draw a line from one to the next, the result is me, here, now.

I used to blame the world, other people, bad luck, forces beyond my control. My last big mistake was in 2019 and that one was like my hitting bottom, as we think of an alcoholic hitting bottom. But rather than alcohol, my flaws were resentment & hubris. They're responsible for most of the damage I caused to myself.

We all get just one life and I fucked mine up. It's hard to hold on to the depth of feeling here, the self-recrimination, the disappointment in myself, the shame. I turn away from it, from the me that is the result of the dots connected.

 

[Dot]

Srry u r strgglng. Rel8. Slf kp connctng pst actns tht brght slf 2 whre am & evnts tht influncd thse actns. Fls lke nvr rlly std a chnce bcse th fear in slf ws jst 2 bg.

 

[pole]

sorry about what you've gone through Kyrok.

from our convos, you're a hard worker and a great person. but none of that matters to you. self-hatred, the feeling of being disappointed in yourself, the things you've gone through and continue to deal with, it takes a toll on a person, no matter the positives.

i feel like in a way, we're our toughest critics. and no matter what good comes our way or how successful we may seem to others, we still live with intense self-hatred. or atleast that's how i feel about myself.

you've gone through a ton in your life. i hope you find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that regret can be painful to deal with as we cannot go back in time and change things. With mistakes, sometimes we were doing what we thought was for the best at the time and we did not know any better, but still, I know it can be an dreadful feeling when you think about what you could have done differently. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.