Confused

[cazza82]

Hey guys I had my counselling appointment yesterday I guess I told her to much and now she's going to speak to my doctor I needed to get it off my chest I'm not mad I get it's her job but I'm just so confused I want this pain and suffering to stop I kinda feel like right now it's never going to she thinks I can get better but why am I afraid to tell her that I'm terrified of taking that help because whenever I have opened up with others or my drugs councillors I get basic rejection and they pretty much give up on me even though I can't help my depression and anxiety. That's how it feels anyway it's always been like that it's like I'm waiting for her to do the same she's the only one I've ever truly opened up to as she's so disarming I don't want to make a mistake take the help and give it a chance only for this to happen because right now I just wouldn't be able to deal with the rejection pretty much she's the only one I trust if I take that chance and she does the same I know it's going to make everything worse where as I could of stopped that from happening if that makes sense by CTB it's like I have a tiny bit of hope but I also just want to say fk you to everyone that's ripped me apart and let me down and that's added to my pain. Because everyday that's all I think of just ending it so I don't have to suffer ever second of every day ive never felt so trapped in my entire life to the point I only see one way out. I just can't fake it anymore or do I just give up do what I need to then I no longer will be this big problem to everyone who tells me I make their lives miserable people don't realise how hard it is every day I'm trying so hard to fight it when all I want to do is my method and go to sleep that's it there's only so much one person can take I can't take any more hits I can no longer be this burden nothing I ever do is good enough and it never will be I've been pushed to a point that death is better than this torture I feel like I'm slowly just slipping away everyone would be better off with out me because I must be that bad if they continue to hurt me I must deserve it people are starting to notice at work that somethings wrong to I hate being this conflicted I really do hope this makes sense it's just what's spinning around in my head every second