Venting Confused in identity/sexuality

[Eren]

Some who already know me here know that one of my reasons is loneliness, I really feel alone.

Something that I have not dared to say until now is that I also have a lot of confusion about my identity/sexuality, I'm not gay or bisexual, it's really much more complex than that, basically my current state prevents me from having a partner and a "normal" sex life.

In fact if I was gay or bisexual I would have no problem, I could have a partner (male or female) and I would be happy, but that's not my "problem", I'm not asexual either, I'm ashamed to tell the details and I also do not clarify myself, I hate myself.

This is one of my main reasons for CTB, I've always said here in SS that I'm straight, and it's really not a lie, I like girls but I have a big head on this topic.

I hope I have not offended anyone, I just want to vent on how I feel, and also forgiveness if I was not always 100% honest about my sexuality, it is a topic that I find it hard to talk about.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Perhaps if you could give us a little more information then some people could offer helpful advice.
We all have things that we are ashamed of and never want to reveal. I'm sure no one will judge you on here, no one is here to be judged, this is neither a courtroom or a place for humiliating others.

 

[Ldog9]

Feel free to share, there's no judgement here. Also there's no offense or need to apologize, I know it must be very difficult for you to discuss openly.

I know loneliness can be crippling, but know you're not the only one.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @Eren i don't think your post was remotely offensive and actually I think it's nice that there's a space you feel you can speak freely and not be judged because I think that's very important for all of us.

Regarding sexual identity, I don't know that it is necessarily clear cut for everyone. It often seems difficult when people around you have clearly defined notions of their own sexual identity or preferences - but it certainly doesn't mean you have to. I think it's very important that people should be free to love or be attracted to whoever is right for them regardless of any other factor.

Wishing you all the best xx

 

[Eren]

Thank you for your messages,

I know I have not given much information, I'm a bit embarrassed and I'm also very confused, I do not understand, but in any case, it generates a lot of frustration because it limits me to have a romantic relationship.

 

[Ldog9]

you've found a place where ppl connect about ctb. I promise you there's a place where there's others that feel the same way you do.

 

[Miss clefable]

Hugs what's wrong sweet Eren?

 

[Eren]

Hugs what's wrong sweet Eren?

Hugs, I'm just confused.

 

[Miss clefable]

Hugs, I'm just confused.

It's okay to be just follow your heart

 

[Eren]

It's okay to be just follow your heart

<3

 

[Johnnythefox]

I think I have a vague notion of what is maybe bothering you, I have also struggled all my life with something that I'm not comfortable revealing. I did disclose it to my siblings apart from one.

 

[15dec]

Sometimes I question my sexuality a bit. I don't think I'd date a girl but I find girls much more attractive than boys, but then I also very rarely form genuine romantic connections with men anyway... so maybe I would be able to date a girl if I felt that connection with one? I've never really gotten along with girls easily so I'll probably never know for certain, though.

I'm not sure if you experience anything similar but I hope this could help somewhat. If not it's okay to be confused and unsure, your post certainly isn't offensive, I'm actually glad you made it so I could share my feelings on this matter as well. Hugs

 

[Eren]

Sometimes I question my sexuality a bit. I don't think I'd date a girl but I find girls much more attractive than boys, but then I also very rarely form genuine romantic connections with men anyway... so maybe I would be able to date a girl if I felt that connection with one? I've never really gotten along with girls easily so I'll probably never know for certain, though.

I'm not sure if you experience anything similar but I hope this could help somewhat. If not it's okay to be confused and unsure, your post certainly isn't offensive, I'm actually glad you made it so I could share my feelings on this matter as well. Hugs

Hugs

 

[Johnnythefox]

I suspect that being in a Catholic country contributes to your feelings of guilt or shame.

 

[Eren]

I suspect that being in a Catholic country contributes to your feelings of guilt or shame.

Not really, as I say, if I was gay or bisexual (I do not like men, rather, I am not attracted to masculinity) I would not have any problem, I would accept it and I would look for a partner according to my sexuality, it is more complex than that.

 

[Miss clefable]

Not really, as I say, if I was gay or bisexual (I do not like men, rather, I am not attracted to masculinity) I would not have any problem, I would accept it and I would look for a partner according to my sexuality, it is more complex than that.

I hate masculinity too it makes me sick

 

[Eren]

I hate masculinity too it makes me sick

I do not "hate" it, it just does not attract me sexually

 

[Miss clefable]

I do not "hate" it, it just does not attract me sexually

Sorry

 

[Eren]

Sorry

No problem

 

[JustAboutDone]

@Eren if it makes you feel more comfortable, you could always pm someone you think would provide an understanding ear rather than revealing on here anything you didn't feel happy with x

 

[Eren]

@Eren if it makes you feel more comfortable, you could always pm someone you think would provide an understanding ear rather than revealing on here anything you didn't feel happy with x

Thanks, hugs

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I am sorry you're feeling bad, Eren. If it helps, know that there are still countless people who understand and will accept you, even if you are confused right now. Sexuality can feel a bit like the weather for some people, fluid and hard to pin down from one minute to the next, and that's totally okay. You also don't need to come up with any answers or set anything in stone for yourself, just observe how you feel and do what feels good.

 

[Final Escape]

Some who already know me here know that one of my reasons is loneliness, I really feel alone.

Something that I have not dared to say until now is that I also have a lot of confusion about my identity/sexuality, I'm not gay or bisexual, it's really much more complex than that, basically my current state prevents me from having a partner and a "normal" sex life.

In fact if I was gay or bisexual I would have no problem, I could have a partner (male or female) and I would be happy, but that's not my "problem", I'm not asexual either, I'm ashamed to tell the details and I also do not clarify myself, I hate myself.

This is one of my main reasons for CTB, I've always said here in SS that I'm straight, and it's really not a lie, I like girls but I have a big head on this topic.

I hope I have not offended anyone, I just want to vent on how I feel, and also forgiveness if I was not always 100% honest about my sexuality, it is a topic that I find it hard to talk about.

Did something happen to u in your childhood? I know I had problems in this area but it didn't disturb my sex life, just my ideas surrounding sex, the opposite sex. I just had resentment over being female because I watched what my mother went through and sexual abuse, parental rejection. It looked way easier, and less vulnerable to be a guy. I know that's not true but back then I thought that.

 

[Vilthuril]

I tend to not focus on sexual stuff very much, but I would say it doesn't seem worth hating yourself over this sort of thing so long as whatever it is you're attracted to/interested in involves consenting adults/something in the realm of fantasy that's not actually doing wrong to anybody. And as far as confusion regarding your gender identity goes, whatever conclusion it is you come to, there will most likely be people who will not accept it, but there will also be people who are supportive. It's not really worth truly feeling bad about yourself over based on what some close minded individuals might feel about it.
Also, if you remain sort of perpetually confused about this stuff, that is fine too. Some degree of confusion regarding this stuff probably isn't all that abnormal in actuality, and increasingly so as these topics are being discussed more and more openly and frequently. It's become more common for this sort of confusion to be addressed head on, whereas in the past ignorance was more commonly promoted and people felt pressured to repress/ignore any sort of internal questioning of this stuff in order to conform.

 

[Eren]

Did something happen to u in your childhood? I know I had problems in this area but it didn't disturb my sex life, just my ideas surrounding sex, the opposite sex. I just had resentment over being female because I watched what my mother went through and sexual abuse, parental rejection. It looked way easier, and less vulnerable to be a guy. I know that's not true but back then I thought that.

My parents separated when I was very small and if I remember that there were bad treatments from my father to my mother, even after being separated there were many serious problems between them, I do not know if it could affect me in these aspects.

 

[HellinHeaven]

Thank you @Eren for your courage to write this thread. I feel with you, although I don't know exactly your situation resp. your specific issue, but I can talk a bit from me, perhaps it will help you. Give you a hug.

I know this feeling of struggeling with identity and in particular sexual identity. I am male, but never felt like a "man", but not in such a strong way that I would labe me as female, although many of my habits have a more female touch (e.g. waiting to get spoken to instead of beginning a talk, be very passive, peacefully and wouldn't fight with other guys, be sensible, don't wanna occupy a girl, ...) Sometimes I think there aren't any big differences, the most is just defined und tradition from society, in the end we are just all humans, who have all the same needs and problems.

Thereto I am really confused about feelings, because in no sense I can distinguish if feelings for a special person are 1) amicably, 2) sexual, 3) loving/based on partnership, 4) or childlike (that I just want this person puts her arm around me and solace me), because often in this moments there is just so much pain in me, when getting near to people.

And the cruelest point happened yesterday again, I met a girl I like, but when I get closer to her I tend to fall in a passive mode and go back out of contact in my well-known loneliness, although I know this is killing me over time. But in this situation there is no sexual or attracting feeling from my side for her any more, just emptiness (not even fear) and I feel like I rape myself if I would move forward and so I feel like a ten year old child, neither male nor female. And afterwards I condemn myself and go back to severe depression. Don't know if I ever get over my attachment trauma from childhood, this is just killing me from the inside.

 

[Final Escape]

My parents separated when I was very small and if I remember that there were bad treatments from my father to my mother, even after being separated there were many serious problems between them, I do not know if it could affect me in these aspects.

If your parents separated, that's considered a trauma for a kid. If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused at all, this is considered a trauma as well. It's unlikely that this stuff didn't impact you I some way. Also, I wonder if sexuality can be confused because some of us are more masculine or feminine in our thinking or appearance even though we were born biologically a man or woman.

 

[Final Escape]

Thank you @Eren for your courage to write this thread. I feel with you, although I don't know exactly your situation resp. your specific issue, but I can talk a bit from me, perhaps it will help you. Give you a hug.

I know this feeling of struggeling with identity and in particular sexual identity. I am male, but never felt like a "man", but not in such a strong way that I would labe me as female, although many of my habits have a more female touch (e.g. waiting to get spoken to instead of beginning a talk, be very passive, peacefully and wouldn't fight with other guys, be sensible, don't wanna occupy a girl, ...) Sometimes I think there aren't any big differences, the most is just defined und tradition from society, in the end we are just all humans, who have all the same needs and problems.

Thereto I am really confused about feelings, because in no sense I can distinguish if feelings for a special person are 1) amicably, 2) sexual, 3) loving/based on partnership, 4) or childlike (that I just want this person puts her arm around me and solace me), because often in this moments there is just so much pain in me, when getting near to people.

And the cruelest point happened yesterday again, I met a girl I like, but when I get closer to her I tend to fall in a passive mode and go back out of contact in my well-known loneliness, although I know this is killing me over time. But in this situation there is no sexual or attracting feeling from my side for her any more, just emptiness (not even fear) and I feel like I rape myself if I would move forward and so I feel like a ten year old child, neither male nor female. And afterwards I condemn myself and go back to severe depression. Don't know if I ever get over my attachment trauma from childhood, this is just killing me from the inside.

Did you have your father growing up?

 

[Miss clefable]

I don't want to grow up

 

[Eren]

Thank you @Eren for your courage to write this thread. I feel with you, although I don't know exactly your situation resp. your specific issue, but I can talk a bit from me, perhaps it will help you. Give you a hug.

I know this feeling of struggeling with identity and in particular sexual identity. I am male, but never felt like a "man", but not in such a strong way that I would labe me as female, although many of my habits have a more female touch (e.g. waiting to get spoken to instead of beginning a talk, be very passive, peacefully and wouldn't fight with other guys, be sensible, don't wanna occupy a girl, ...) Sometimes I think there aren't any big differences, the most is just defined und tradition from society, in the end we are just all humans, who have all the same needs and problems.

Thereto I am really confused about feelings, because in no sense I can distinguish if feelings for a special person are 1) amicably, 2) sexual, 3) loving/based on partnership, 4) or childlike (that I just want this person puts her arm around me and solace me), because often in this moments there is just so much pain in me, when getting near to people.

And the cruelest point happened yesterday again, I met a girl I like, but when I get closer to her I tend to fall in a passive mode and go back out of contact in my well-known loneliness, although I know this is killing me over time. But in this situation there is no sexual or attracting feeling from my side for her any more, just emptiness (not even fear) and I feel like I rape myself if I would move forward and so I feel like a ten year old child, neither male nor female. And afterwards I condemn myself and go back to severe depression. Don't know if I ever get over my attachment trauma from childhood, this is just killing me from the inside.

Hugs