Venting Confused, Confused Again

[vivia]

i don't even know... i'm confused. i know i'm useless to my family and to society, i'm just a burden. my day-to-day at school, i mean in my life, is basically school, studying (not really seriously 'cause i fall asleep in class a lot), then i go home and doomscroll until 3 AM. and now i'm seeing the effects, i'm not eligible to get into a public uni without taking the entrance test, so i have to take it. and i'm too lazy to study for it at all. i really don't put in any effort to keep living in this world. i can't appreciate my parents, i know they didn't mean to have me, even so they still raised me, and i can't appreciate them. at least for them there's probably some regret about having me, and i can't even give them that. i don't have friends. i can't do anything. i really can't do anything in this world. why? like i said, i'm lazy. i don't know if there's any reason i'm like this. i don't wanna keep blaming other people or myself, i need to change

but i still think maybe i shouldn't have been born... so what's all this for? will it all be for nothing? my life feels empty. maybe i had potential back then, people kinda gaslit me a bit into thinking i was useful. but yeah, in the end i wasted it. i don't even know what to say about my empty life. it's just... really empty. feels like you log into a multiplayer game, die, then just wander the map. lots of memories, but now what? empty. i've never really felt love out in the open. maybe a little, some small, surface stuff, but nothing real or now. i've never been top at anything, i'm dumb. i don't have any useful skills. all i can do is be a burden. sorry, mom, i've been around here too long. i know i'm a burden, but i don't know how to deal with it... i'm still scared

i'm scared in the end. scared of ending it, and scared of moving forward. with everything that's happened and how things are now, i'm afraid i'll still be a burden to people. do people like me even have a future? i can't picture what i'll be like in my late 20s or early 30s. i can't even imagine getting that far. people say, "hang in there, there's still time. your life is long," but i… i'm so damn confused. if you were me, do you think any of that would just go smoothly? with people who already hate me like this, how am i supposed to focus on a life that's supposed to be social and needs other people? i wanna leave town, move away, but i'm such an idiot. how the hell would i manage living alone, i can't do this or that. technically there's a lot of skills i don't have, and i'm always scared of people, maybe it's social anxiety or whatever, i don't even know. i keep forcing myself to be able, try again, all that. but what comes of it? what's the result? everything's a mess. i'm tired. i can't learn from my mistakes, i keep repeating the same ones, i give up easily, at doing stuff and at living. do i even deserve to be "wasted" like this?​

 

[Lethargy]

Hello. I don't know if I have any good advice to give, but I found your post to be deeply relatable. I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly through life as well and it sucks not knowing what to do.

I've mostly given up on trying to assign a meaning to life and only really live to see whats next, feeling like an NPC in my own story. Is that failure? Hard to say.

It might not mean much, but I want to say that you're not alone in feeling the way that you do. Please take care.

 

[nummie]

I do find this post relatable. Im pretty much an academic failure and a burden on my family.
I do find comfort in knowing that its not too late for me, im 20 years old so im not sure how true this for you, but theres still opportunities for me school and career wise. I learnt that its ok not to be the best, as long as i can be independent then its fine in the end. I think perfectionism was my downfall for so many years, i would stay away from anything that i might fail at.

It does sound like youre struggling a lot and i hope that you find happiness

 

[lv-nii]

I really relate to what you wrote. I've felt that way for much of my life. I hope you're doing well (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠)

 

[wasted19]

4th reply stating this, but your post is really relatable to me too. What you described is a theme in most peoples' unhappiness, where you feel like a side character made in 5 minutes before game release in your own life.

what's the result? everything's a mess. i'm tired. i can't learn from my mistakes, i keep repeating the same ones, i give up easily, at doing stuff and at living. do i even deserve to be "wasted" like this?​

No, you can't be wasted, i'm wasted. Wasted19. Just joking, but remember that no matter what anyone tells you the only wasted things are the ones you care about. If you don't care about anything, nothing was wasted. Maybe all the hours you sat alone and thought about your life, or how painful your inaction is, will actually lead to something better? What if this is necessary to turn you into the person that your future-self can love? You decide, and everyday will be a day you can choose to give yourself love, until the very end.

I'm approaching uni time too, where society and my parents expect me to eagerly choose my future, meanwhile I wear my socks for 5 days at a time because i'm too drained to change them, eat a chocolate bar for dinner and my only everyday skill is knowing all the exits in Escape from Tarkov maps. Theres a lot of us out here that feel what you feel, and i'm sure theres a happy place waiting somewhere for all of us.