I feel somewhat confused about my motivation to CTB, so I am hoping to get some clarity by just laying it all out here.
There is so much to look forward to in my life, stuff that I am really excited about like an overseas trip in a few weeks, an adventure, reunion with friends and family etc. I love going to the gym, working out, meditating, simple pleasures. I am not depressed either, or maybe I am but it is not clear to me because I don't exhibit the usual symptoms.
Yet all the time there is the underlying suicidal ideation where I keep thinking 'yep, now is a good time to sign off'. Every.Single.Day.
The big 'why' for me is - because I will die anyway, why wait. I'd rather do it when the party is in full swing than when I am starting to lose my faculties or independence.
Of course that is also a great illusion of having some degree of control because for all I know I could step out of the house tomorrow and get run over by a truck, rendering me permanently and severely disabled without any measure of control because I'll be totally dependent.
I want to feel I have control over my death, I want to do it on my terms. I want to flip the bird at all the pro-lifers and say F.Y. - stick your morals elsewhere.
Many years working in my medical profession had me exposed to the unnecessary prolonging of life against people's will and I really resented that I had to partake in it.
So, after getting all this down it looks like it comes down to wanting to do it on my terms and not be told I must participate in life prolonging measures to make others feel better about themselves and keep them in their job.
There is so much to look forward to in my life, stuff that I am really excited about like an overseas trip in a few weeks, an adventure, reunion with friends and family etc. I love going to the gym, working out, meditating, simple pleasures. I am not depressed either, or maybe I am but it is not clear to me because I don't exhibit the usual symptoms.
Yet all the time there is the underlying suicidal ideation where I keep thinking 'yep, now is a good time to sign off'. Every.Single.Day.
The big 'why' for me is - because I will die anyway, why wait. I'd rather do it when the party is in full swing than when I am starting to lose my faculties or independence.
Of course that is also a great illusion of having some degree of control because for all I know I could step out of the house tomorrow and get run over by a truck, rendering me permanently and severely disabled without any measure of control because I'll be totally dependent.
I want to feel I have control over my death, I want to do it on my terms. I want to flip the bird at all the pro-lifers and say F.Y. - stick your morals elsewhere.
Many years working in my medical profession had me exposed to the unnecessary prolonging of life against people's will and I really resented that I had to partake in it.
So, after getting all this down it looks like it comes down to wanting to do it on my terms and not be told I must participate in life prolonging measures to make others feel better about themselves and keep them in their job.
