Help Conflicting Feelings

[lyles]

So before I joined SS I lurked on the sight for a long time. I don't know what got me to finally join, but here I am.

I think at this point I am just hoping for some sort of guidance.

I don't want to ctb anytime soon, although I'm supremely stressed out at the moment I'm aware it is temporary. I have a lot of future things I am excited for and a great family, boyfriend, and plans moving forward.

Still I think about it a lot and do long for what I believe will happen after I die.

Part of me though really wants to have the resources to ctb if I choose to- it feels like an option still in my brain and it makes me anxious that I may lose that. SN is my chosen method if I do go through with it at some point, and I'm from the US so though it isn't illegal and fairly easy to get I'm worried it won't be and if I wait too long I will lose access. But if I do get it I'm worried about freaking out my loved ones if they somehow find it.

Sort of connected- I also feel somewhat guilty. My little brother has struggled with suicidal thoughts before and if he ever did anything or was on here I would be horrified and devastated. And I know my family would feel the same, that is part of what has kept me alive for so long.

I am just struggling to make sense of my feelings and any advice or guidance would be appreciated.

 

[motel rooms]

I don't want to ctb anytime soon, although I'm supremely stressed out at the moment I'm aware it is temporary. I have a lot of future things I am excited for and a great family, boyfriend, and plans moving forward.

Still I think about it a lot and do long for what I believe will happen after I die.

Just hide your SN cleverly & live your life

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it can be a relief having resources to ctb, as it means you have a way to exit at a time of your choosing. Your feelings towards that are understandable.
I feel like if I was in your situation and I was not sure that I wanted to ctb and there was things to look forward too, I would see how things go. I think I would only ctb if I had no more doubts and I was completely sure that was what I wanted. In regards to guilt, we have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, of course I understand that others would be sad, but it is our life our decision.
I wish you the best.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Why are you stressed out? Why do you feel you will want to ctb down the line, even though you have all those things going for yourself? I'm just trying to understand. When I was growing up, going through tough depressed/stressed out times, it was never on my mind to have ctb as an option. It's only on my mind now because it's my last resort, and it has sadly come to this point

 

[Dot]

I am just struggling to make sense of my feelings and any advice or guidance would be appreciated.

80% people approaching Dignitas not CTB after being accepted b/c having option takes stresses off & stops ppl feeling trapped making life easier. All many applicants needed was option. Suicidal ideation often a form of control (for some) so having resources takes pressure off & gives some control over life.

Worded badly but feelings more common than may think.

Up to self if want to order resources, but hope what have said makes sense.

 

[lyles]

I think it can be a relief having resources to ctb, as it means you have a way to exit at a time of your choosing. Your feelings towards that are understandable.
I feel like if I was in your situation and I was not sure that I wanted to ctb and there was things to look forward too, I would see how things go. I think I would only ctb if I had no more doubts and I was completely sure that was what I wanted. In regards to guilt, we have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, of course I understand that others would be sad, but it is our life our decision.
I wish you the best.

Thank you for the understanding and kindness here. That all makes a lot of sense! I appreciate your help here <3

Why are you stressed out?

Just life stuff- mostly school! It's all temporary and I'll feel fine once I finish up all my work. It's just a matter of getting through this point.

Why do you feel you will want to ctb down the line, even though you have all those things going for yourself? I'm just trying to understand. When I was growing up, going through tough depressed/stressed out times, it was never on my mind to have ctb as an option. It's only on my mind now because it's my last resort, and it has sadly come to this point

I've been suicidal for the majority of my life, my first attempt was when I was 8 years old, so I think it has just been normalized in my brain. If things get to a point where it doesn't feel worth it anymore then I know I'll want to go that way. Like, if/when my mother dies one day I'm not going to live after that, regardless of anything. I don't want to live in a world without her. But she is healthy and happy now so that isn't an immediate issue or anything, just an example. It's just nice to know I have a way to escape the unbearable if it gets to that point/things go wrong.

80% people approaching Dignitas not CTB after being accepted b/c having option takes stresses off & stops ppl feeling trapped making life easier. All many applicants needed was option. Suicidal ideation often a form of control (for some) so having resources takes pressure off & gives some control over life.

Honestly, I think you are right and that is part of things for me. With such a lack of control of how chaotic the world can be, knowing I have control and a choice is comforting. I think that is a major factor here.

Worded badly but feelings more common than may think.

Up to self if want to order resources, but hope what have said makes sense.

Thank you for this, it really helped me understand and realize some stuff I hadn't before!

 

[LADY007]

Just hide your SN cleverly & live your life

I put a label on my SN calling it bath salts.