Conflicted feelings about the future

[-nobodyknows-]

I thought a lot about the future today. Wondering what will happen to me, and how long I have. I've been trying to work towards my future with things like school, but I have found it difficult to keep moving forward. I cannot help but wonder if there's any point to it.

From a statistical standpoint, my odds of not dying by suicide are apparently not very good. I'm also generally not great with other people, as I don't really stand out too much and tend to fade into the background rather easily. And, as I am a very lonely person, this is not great.

I desperately want to connect. I really want to have friends, and relationships, but I think I've come to realize that such things will never be. I simply do not shine bright enough to attract anyone. And I feel so guilty about approaching people myself because of how sad I have become.

There have been a few times in my life where someone told me that they had never heard someone speak about themselves in the way that I do. It would be one thing if it was someone who maybe was not very exposed to people with issues like myself, but they were people who had. They found it kind of disturbing.

I think I kind of get it. According to a lot of people I've known, people like me should hold some sort of hatred towards other people or society or the world itself. But I just don't have that. As distraught as I am, I genuinely believe that the world is a good place. I think there are some really evil and twisted people, but I don't think people as a whole are bad.

This has led me to realize that the darkness that I find myself surrounded by lies within me. Nothing in my life is the problem. There is no great cloud that is casting my life in shadow. I myself am the thing that brings sadness to others. Anyone I open up to, anyone I try to connect with, I bring misery to. When I talk about my feelings, people are shocked. Some of them have even cried. And the more they talk to me, the worse they feel. I myself am the cloud. And I hate that I cast shadows on everyone I try to get close to.

When did this happen? How did this happen? I wasn't always like this. Is there any way for me to cut out this part of myself, and make people smile again? Will anyone ever tell me that "being around you makes me happy"?

I want to hear that so much. But I think that's pretty much impossible now. I've been like this for too long. And why would anyone take such a chance with someone like me? Why would anyone stand by someone so twisted when they could be around someone who did not make them feel horrible?

Is it even okay for me to hope for that? I feel like I would be such a burden and just make them miserable. Surely they'd be better off spending their time around other people. And what happens if I do kill myself? I'm already so close to the edge, and if that happened it would only make things worse for them. How can it be okay for me to be around others when that is such a prominent possibility?

I kind of wish that someone could validate this. That someone would tell me "the world will be better off without you, so don't be too concerned about the fallout from killing yourself". I think it would give me some sense of acceptance. At this time I still find it difficult to cut people out of my life entirely. I just like them too much I guess, and get too lonely when I'm on my own for extended periods.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Why do I keep trying to move forward? Isn't it pointless? Isn't it wrong for me to do so? Won't I just hurt more people, the longer I wait to die? Will people be able to realize that this was the best thing for them? Will they be able to say "good riddance"? Isn't dying the right thing to do?

I wish I could ask the people in my life these sorts of questions, but I know it would just make them sad.

 

[-Link-]

I can relate to this, very much. A lot of what you've said here, I could have said about myself.

I am not equipped to offer much in the way of answers to this, but there is one thing I want to say:

And what happens if I do kill myself? I'm already so close to the edge, and if that happened it would only make things worse for them. How can it be okay for me to be around others when that is such a prominent possibility?

As long as you are alive, I think it's perfectly fair to seek out friendships and relationships with other people, even if you view yourself at a high risk of suicide.

If the worst comes to pass and people are in a situation where they're mourning you, then would that not imply you brought something of value to their lives? Why would they mourn someone who only brought misery and sadness to them? Most likely, people appreciate you (us) more than you (we) think.

So, if you have it in you (and I assure you, I understand if you don't), I would encourage you to keep looking for connections with others because you never know when you might spark a deeper, meaningful connection with someone -- a connection that also helps reduce your suffering and make life more tolerable than it once was. Does this expose them to the risk of losing you? It does. However, who is to say that they'd trade away what they had with you while you were still here. As the adage goes, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." So, maybe it's OK to allow the other person to be the judge as to whether or not they should get close to you.

 

[fjohn5]

Sometimes I feel guilty for venting, like I'm just another drop of water in a stream that no one will remember. But sometimes I read other people venting and they beautifully express how I'm feeling and I'm grateful.

It's so difficult to socialize when I have no optimism. How can I try to date when I know suicide is in my future? How can I pretend to build a future with someone when I don't believe in a future at all?

I've found myself totally isolated recently and it sucks. I recommend if you have any friends to stay in touch with them, even if it's awkward. When you lose touch you don't always have the option to come back. Even 1 or 2 friends you can be honest with goes a long way.

Even though total isolation is comforting in a way, I would encourage you to stay in touch with at least a few people. It's not good for anyone. Good post -- hope you feel better.

 

[butimbleeding]

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Why do I keep trying to move forward? Isn't it pointless? Isn't it wrong for me to do so? Won't I just hurt more people, the longer I wait to die? Will people be able to realize that this was the best thing for them? Will they be able to say "good riddance"? Isn't dying the right thing to do?

I feel the same about myself. I have hurt people and in cases where I haven't, I've made them extremely uncomfortable with my fucked up behaviours. I often feel like it is morally the right thing to do for me to die, and it's pointless to keep trying when I know suicide is what life pretty much inevitably has in store for me.

Great post, very relatable.

 

[swankysoup]

Yeah hard relate. I think that after you have spent enough time thinking and planning death, it has a lasting effect on you. Everything feels somehow fake and distant.