Help Conflicted but relieved with partnered CTB

[Walpurgisnacht]

Hello SaSu.
I kinda need some advice on a dilemma I've got recently...

Some context:
For quite a while now, me and a very close friend of mine had a suicide partnership that if one of us was suffering too much then the other would go too. Right now, both of us are suffering, but she is suffering far worse and I hate seeing her in so much pain, she also has been basically thrown to the wolves by most people in her life, the same people she felt so guilty about hurting. Now that she's seen how they treat her suffering and how callous and uncaring they were towards it, she doesn't feel as guilty, and feels ready.

So I was recently asked if I'd leave with her, and it was sudden enough that I didn't have much time to think over what this might do to the others I leave behind, or if there's any more regrets left in my life. I suppose there is one, but it's not a major thing really, I don't mind missing out on it to stop hurting if I have to.

I am extremely grateful for her offer, and the fact she will let me go with her at all so we wouldn't have to be alone is probably the kindest thing I've ever been offered. But still I am conflicted, and I don't know why. Maybe I just didn't have enough time to mentally prepare? I'm not sure.
So I have tried to weigh the pros and cons of accepting and not accepting her offer.
Pros:

• It's so rare anyone gets the opportunity to not be alone when dying. To be in the arms of someone they trust completely in their final moments.
• My own degrading mental and physical health are still... degrading. My future is pretty much non-existent, and even though I can go away for a while, I always end up back where I started. I don't see this ever changing for the better; I tried my best, I really did...
• Her suffering would stop. I hate seeing her in so much pain. I hate knowing how much she's suffering behind the face she puts on; but most of all, I hate not being able to do anything at all about it. I just have to watch her in unfair agony and it's horrible, I always feel so powerless to help her, and this would stop her from suffering. It would give her a bit more peace of mind, and she would get to not be alone in her final moments too.
• Reliable instant death method, no pain, no elaborate setup, almost no chance of survival, we both instantly die together. Neither of us will see eachothers' corpses. The last thing I'll feel is her embrace.​
• I've kinda had my fill of life. There isn't much more I want to do, and certainly nothing imperative. I'm basically just waiting around to die now anyway.​

Cons:

• I feel so guilty, so extremely guilty. I'd be abandoning people who need me and love me and do so much for me; the thought of what they might react like to seeing I'm gone... making them suffer unfairly too makes me cry so hard. My boyfriend lost a friend to suicide back in school. I feel like such a monster for putting him through that again.
• I will have left her to suffer and endure more and more; I will have been responsible for this suffering and her not being at peace...
• If she CTBs without me, I know I will immediately follow her anyway, so if she's ready, I might as well go with her when she does instead of having to do it after. I would prefer that.
• It's possible she's having an episode because of all the stress in her life the past week or two. I can tell she's desperate, but the last time this happened she did survive. I asked her once if she regrets not attempting last year with me. She wasn't sure how to answer, but then said "I wouldn't have missed much anyway."
• She said she'd survive and endure if I wasn't ready too. But I don't want her t endure more pain and suffering... I really don't, but I also really don't want my other close loved ones to have to endure the pain I put on them. I know exactly how much pain she's in, but I don't know how my loved ones will grieve.)

Based on this, I feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. If I go with her, she will not suffer, but everyone who loved us will have to grieve. Likewise, if I don't go, she will suffer horribly, but no one will have to grieve.
I don't want any of these people to suffer... But I can't have it both ways unfortunately.

We both feel it's our time, but she doesn't feel the guilt she used to; I, however, still do... And it makes life even more miserable.
I'm not sure what to do.. I can either be responsible for her suffering there on out, or be responsible for her death to her loved ones.

Anyway, thank you for listening. I would like to see your views on this situation if possible. Because I can't find an answer myself that doesn't make me cry thinking of it.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry no have word advc this v hard situ vry undrstnd see ppl love suffer cruel see noable hlp this all v hard rly know how, rly know ctb situ v hard this add2 prsn vry vry hrd. Know side pro con this cruel choice, me sry no word hlp but any want talk here ofc say any

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it has to be a personal decision deciding what to do, but it really sounds like a difficult situation to be in, it's why I personally see suicide partners and involving other people in suicide plans as being a bad thing as it just leads to additional complications. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[enviro400mmc]

That's such a horrible situation to be in. But what you do absolutely has to be a personal decision, I'd be really reluctant to CTB if I were you in your current situation, it should be something you personally are totally comfortable and at peace with doing at the moment you do it.

 

[Catastrofe]

I hope not to sound rush, but I see this way.
To ctb is a personal and intimate decision, that belongs to you *only*. As any other opportunities in life you may want it, but if you are not ready, simply you are not. It can be for any reason - seems here because you have not overcome that sense of guilt, which it totally understandable, fair and normal.
**Do it when you are ready**. Not before.
Also, I am pretty convinced that if you attempt when not ready this can lead to panic, clumsy actions and a potential high danger, for you and for the both of you.

Talk to your friend honestly and sweetly.
Communication is a powerful thing. Talk to him/her/them honestly, explain how you feel, say if you are not ready and why, reassure that you see the pain and that you are holding hands, say clearly that if you will not be partners in this it does not mean you do not love him/her/them, and maybe find other possible ways to be supportive - acknowledging the risks you take with law.

Whatever your decision is, let it be yours only.

 

[SexyIncél]

I'm sorry. I'm sad hearing this too, eyes moist

Crucial sentences:

• If she CTBs without me, I know I will immediately follow her anyway
• She said she'd survive and endure if I wasn't ready too.
• It's possible she's having an episode because of all the stress in her life the past week or two. I can tell she's desperate, but the last time this happened she did survive.
• she also has been basically thrown to the wolves by most people in her life

My questions:

1. Is it just an episode? To find out, how long might you have to watch?
2. Can you share your family/friends with her? Partially solve her problems?

If some weeks pass and it's not an episode, and you couldn't solve her problems... I would strongly consider going together

But please remember, I lack so much information

 

[Aisley]

If you don't do it, you will regret it. If you do it, you won't be able to regret it. If you need time to prepare, mentally and emotionally, she would understand and wait, as long as it is a time line she can see the end of. Pacts are so rough for this very reason. Good luck with this decision; there's no good way out.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

1. Is it just an episode? To find out, how long might you have to watch?

Hmm, up to a week most likely. But after today I'm fairly convinced it isn't just an episode.

1. Can you share your family/friends with her? Partially solve her problems?

She's not a very open person, really. In fact I'm probably the only friend she has that she feels comfortable enough around to say she is suicidal at all.
Her current situation is a mix of physical and social problems that were really not her fault at all. She is very sick right now and in constant pain, she's unable to really do much since her hands and feet aren't usable, and if she wants it to heal she'll basically just have to lay in bed doing nothing for an unknown amount of time. She hasn't even been given a diagnosis because no one seems to know what the illness actually is.
Socially speaking, she's having a rough time with her work, again, which involves a lot of writing stuff up, something she can't currently do even if she felt able to because of her illness. She had been struggling with managing to work on it for a long time, but as this year began, she had finally managed to start getting back into it and was doing really well, until she got horribly sick again.
Even if she bounces back from it entirely, she'll have lost weeks; her work is due very soon. If she doesn't complete it she'll have basically wasted almost all her 20s.
And finally, none of her family seem to give a shit about the amount of agony she's in. Her mother's callous and self-centred actions caused this to happen, I won't go too far into it, but her family treat her illness as if it's totally fine and not a big deal; it most certainly is a huge deal. Her mother had the audacity to just straight up blame her for getting sick at all "because she took the covid vaccine" (????) and has been extremely uncaring and unsympathetic towards her.
The main thing that stopped her for going through with her last attempt was feeling guilty about hurting the people she'd leave behind, but now she knows they don't care one bit about her hurting, she doesn't care anymore and just wants to go. She endured years of torment to placate them and make sure they don't have to grieve, and they all just spat in her face for it.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do now... I've exhausted almost every other option and none of them made her want to keep trying to live. The last thing I offered was for her to come and live with me until she recovers and things have cooled down, but she refused the offer; even if she did move in with me, she would eventually have to leave again and be back where she started; she's just sick of having this hanging over her head all the time. She won't ever be cured, she lives in constant fear of this happening to her again, and her own family are now unsafe for her to be around because they refuse to take her pain seriously.
She just doesn't want to live anymore, and I do understand why.
Her support network is basically just me now...

If you don't do it, you will regret it. If you do it, you won't be able to regret it. If you need time to prepare, mentally and emotionally, she would understand and wait, as long as it is a time line she can see the end of.

Mmm.. I think you're right.
She said she would wait until I was ready if I wasn't yet. And I definitely don't want to get there and not be able to go through with it, that'd make things way worse for both of us, so I do need to be properly ready for it.
I feel kinda guilty that I'm just prolonging her suffering while she waits, but she does understand.

**Do it when you are ready**. Not before.
Also, I am pretty convinced that if you attempt when not ready this can lead to panic, clumsy actions and a potential high danger, for you and for the both of you.

Yeah I agree, that's why I've been reluctant I think, because if I'm not ready I think I will panic and fuck it up for both of us. She said a similar thing and I think it's probably true.
The thing is... I can never tell if I am ready or if I'm just having an episode. I have attempted CTB on impulse before, but was unfortunately saved by some random heroes who felt they had the right to just pick me up and move me. But thinking back on it, if they hadn't saved me, I really wouldn't have missed much.

Talk to your friend honestly and sweetly.
Communication is a powerful thing. Talk to him/her/them honestly, explain how you feel, say if you are not ready and why, reassure that you see the pain and that you are holding hands, say clearly that if you will not be partners in this it does not mean you do not love him/her/them, and maybe find other possible ways to be supportive - acknowledging the risks you take with law.

Yeah, I think you're right. I try to communicate to her as clearly as possible what I'm feeling and thinking, and I think she does get it. She hasn't done anything to try and force me into going with her, she said she'd wait for me before going. But... Watching how much suffering and pain she's in... I don't want her to have to endure that any more at all.
I'll talk to her more about it tomorrow morning most likely.

But what you do absolutely has to be a personal decision, I'd be really reluctant to CTB if I were you in your current situation, it should be something you personally are totally comfortable and at peace with doing at the moment you do it.

I think I've been ignoring or not realising that it is actually my decision, yeah. All I really am thinking about is everyone else who is or will be effected by this.
She hasn't done anything to invalidate my indecisiveness, and I think I know why now; just as I want to make sure her decision here is completely, dead-set, 100% this is what she wants before she leaves, she wants the same for me. She doesn't want me to suffer, but she doesn't want to be the arbiter of my death either.

I personally see suicide partners and involving other people in suicide plans as being a bad thing as it just leads to additional complications

I understand that point of view, yeah. It definitely seems to complicate a lot; but at the same time... I'm so grateful to her that I won't have to die alone when my time comes, that makes the downsides worth it to me personally.

see ppl love suffer cruel see noable hlp this all v hard rly know how

Yeah, I think the feeling of complete powerlessness is what really gets to me... The fact there's nothing I can do about her just writhing like that is so distressing... That alone is enough to make my day-to-day life unbearable honestly.

Thank you all for your advice and your words, I really appreciate it so much.