Venting Confessions from Seer Doom

[Seered Doom]

I don't want to exist in this world anymore, I've been checked out in skepticism of how society functions since I was 6, now I'm trying to numb myself several times over as much as I can. I don't like existing in a place where catastrophic event after another seem to hit every second without rest and where people just try to shut me out, shut me down, or shut me up. I prefer being inside and in my room all the time because at least there, I can be able to avoid things far easier. The only thing then would be to deal with my own mind. I am my own worst enemy.

I can dissociate for days, even weeks on end. Even with the cost of amnesia, I can find little logical reason to care nor to give a soldiery fuck. I know how screwed up in the head I am, my therapist has diagnosed me with so much and she's right. I don't like that. I can't stand people whispering about me, those murmurs and buzzes annoy me. I wish they can shut up. Hence why I wish to numb myself more and more. Becoming stoic and emotionless can be done and I've done it before. I can do it again.

Who cares if my brain splits over and again, it does that even when I'm emotional or having a normal time. My life and pain are a joke to people who stress time and again how oh so much they supposedly care about me and do oh so much for me when they don't actually want to hear shit from me. They don't want to actually understand me and just want me to shove it. Opening up about traumas wouldn't do anything. Why do I even bother? No one wants to be friends with a messed up person like me unless it's for pity.

 

[Seered Doom]

I fear that my abandonment issues are making their way around once more, but in a very hypocritical light. On one hand, I want people to go away from me so I don't get hurt. On the other, however, I want my friends and comfort people here and close to me so I know they're not going away. It's so odd that sensation. I just want someone to understand me and pick up on what the hell's going on with me because I'm spiralling a ton. I want out.

 

[Seered Doom]

Watch as someone says I'm fucking attention seeking. I can't wait for someone to claim I'm faking or an imposter or anything at all. I just want someone to listen to me and I want out of this hellish state. I feel so disconnected from my body, it's unreal. I hear very vivid voices at night. I'm so scared of how real the voices sound, even when I don't have any white noise or audio file playing. It hurts because these voices tell me horrible things and they're harassing me when I'm just trying to sleep at night. They call me all sorts of things like slurs and saying how I myself am not real. I feel so much pain in my ears. I don't like it. Why can't these voices stop bullying me?

 

[Pizarnikishere]

Watch as someone says I'm fucking attention seeking. I can't wait for someone to claim I'm faking or an imposter or anything at all. I just want someone to listen to me and I want out of this hellish state. I feel so disconnected from my body, it's unreal. I hear very vivid voices at night. I'm so scared of how real the voices sound, even when I don't have any white noise or audio file playing. It hurts because these voices tell me horrible things and they're harassing me when I'm just trying to sleep at night. They call me all sorts of things like slurs and saying how I myself am not real. I feel so much pain in my ears. I don't like it. Why can't these voices stop bullying me?

I'm very sorry that you are going through all this suffering, I really am. If you want to talk, you are free to send me a dm. I send you a hug buddy

 

[Letmedienow]

I don't have anything amazing to say besides I don't think you are attention seeking at all. It sounds like you are tormented in your daily life and have been for years. I can't imagine the suffering this has caused you and I'm sorry you can't escape it. This universe is cruel and I hate that people suffer like this. Thank you for sharing with us, I'm really sorry.

 

[Seered Doom]

Thank you. I am just very very upset that these voices and feelings just keep pounding and getting worse not just episodically over periods of time, but also in a constant causing manic insomnia and random bouts of psychotic breakdowns. I hate it, I absolutely hate it. Humanity has fucked me over so many times, it's hard to extrapolate. the amount of times this has been happening. Why does it happen and/or keep happening? I want out, let me out. Get me out of this fleshy prison. I want out and I don't know what I've done wrong, but whatever it is, I'm sorry.
The voices that I hear are crystal clear and I can discern a few details from them.

1. The main one is a woman, 30's to 40's. She's more or less the instigator and constantly tells me how much of a disappointment I am and she berates me to no end, going after every little detail about me.
2. The second most prominent is hateful male preacher. Age is unknown, but most likely 50's to 60's. He's the one that slurs me out the most in these moments and he says I need to be more girly instead of being a trans guy. He often deadnames me, calls me a "drugged up lesbian", and says how I'm going to Hell and describes all the many sorts of ways I can be tortured.
3. Third is a grumpy old lady, 80's to 90's. She's the type to nag about how much this generation of youth sucks and how society is going downhill and we're just being too noisy and rowdy. Kinda like the "get off my lawn" type of grandpa, but would also whack you with her cane and walker at the same time if she could. She cusses a bunch and during the worst bouts I've had recently, I thought she spat in my face once.
4. Last, but most certainly not the least is an angry teenage boy, about 15-16. He is pissed about not being able to have a girlfriend or someone to love him so he takes his rage out by threatening defenseless people and when you call him out on it, he'll turn the aggression on you. He's beaten me with chairs and many other things during some of the worst bits and I can feel it on my back and face.

 

[Letmedienow]

Wow, that must be really scary. I can't imagine experiencing something like that and not being able to make it stop. I would want out too. You haven't done anything wrong, this isn't your fault. You are being tormented by something you can't control on your own. You don't deserve this, I'm so sorry. You mentioned your therapist, are they able to offer medicine that can help with these voices?

 

[Seered Doom]

Therapist can't mostly because she's not psychiatrist and my parents wouldn't like her doing that, even if she could. I wish there was more that could be done if my parents were even a bit more lax on things. Maybe then I wouldn't be so off or crazy or abnormal or literally any other adjective one would use to describe someone who's not always there mentally.

 

[Seered Doom]

If anyone tries to DDOS this damn site or tries to say stupid shit like "it gets better" or any type of pseudo advice toxic positivity esque bullshit, I'm not tolerating it. I'm tired of people treating me like I'm stupid. The voices are so loud and are telling me to die at work and become part of the machine quite literally. If any one of the fixers, pro lifers, whatever they're wanting to be called finds this, I got one question for them;

AM I TRAUMATIZED AND TORTURED ENOUGH FOR YOU TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY YET???​

 

[Seered Doom]

Past life therapy is coming up. I don't think anyone can really relate to me anymore. I'm sick and tired of being painted as a bad guy by society. I want to scream. It's not fair. I don't understand. Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through and it sucks. I don't even think I'm wanted anywhere. No one will miss me.

 

[Seered Doom]

Anxieties fill to the brim and the self-sabotaging is mostly done luckily. Now, I'm just shy and don't know how people are able to break their isolation and even have the ability to be happy while on chat. How are people able to do that? I know I'm easy to talk over (why else would I make a space like this on an open forum) and people who want to get insight on my thoughts and whatnot can look on here or my profile. I just don't know how people are able to make the friends they do on here. How do you people do it? How are people able to be missed? I know I'll never be missed, but I miss others and so do other people. I wish I was cared about like that. I used to hate people who were missed a ton, but now I just feel bad for comparing myself to them.