Venting Completely shattered

[Aplev]

I need somewhere to vent. I can't keep it inside of me anymore. I just can't.

My mother comes back and messages me. She asks me how I am, completely ignoring the terms under which our relationship is. Just like always. She's an extremely toxic person who always blamed me for everything, criticized me, compared me to my older brother, made me feel like I was less than nothing, completely worthless, left me with an extremely low self-esteem, and then she comes, as if nothing had happened. I tell her how hurt I am and how I don't want to talk to her unless she recognizes what she did to me, and all I get is the same excuse from always:
"Son, forget the past, forgive, live the present, love, sing, dance, laugh, be happy". Just writing it makes me want to throw up. How can she lack so much empathy? How can she be so hypocritical? How can she talk about happiness when all she gave me was sadness, hatred and destruction? How can she change the subject in such a disrespectful manner to my feelings? How can she ignore me so blatantly, once again?

I am crying. I can't believe this.

And how could I have been so naive. I get it, deep inside I love her... no, I love my own version of her, as cliche as that sounds, it's true. No, I don't love her. She never existed. She never was the person I thought she was. Here I've been spending my years, hoping one day, after ignoring me so many times, after she avoiding problems so much, after she running away so many times, after she so many times putting the blame on someone else instead of herself, because she can't accept she's not perfect, I still had hope that maybe, one day, she would message me asking me to forgive her, telling me how sorry she is to not have been there where I needed her the most, telling me sorry for putting high volume music so she doesn't listen to me or any of my problems, here I was, thinking I meant anything to her... but I was wrong. It hurts, but all of this time, I was wrong. She's nothing but an illusion.

That's it. I am blocking her. I don't have a mother anymore. I never had a mother in the first place. And I never will.

I can't believe how toxic some people can be. I hope I can recover. Or that the overwhelming emotions finish me before I go any crazier.

 

[Rational man]

I need somewhere to vent. I can't keep it inside of me anymore. I just can't.

My mother comes back and messages me. She asks me how I am, completely ignoring the terms under which our relationship is. Just like always. She's an extremely toxic person who always blamed me for everything, criticized me, compared me to my older brother, made me feel like I was less than nothing, completely worthless, left me with an extremely low self-esteem, and then she comes, as if nothing had happened. I tell her how hurt I am and how I don't want to talk to her unless she recognizes what she did to me, and all I get is the same excuse from always:
"Son, forget the past, forgive, live the present, love, sing, dance, laugh, be happy". Just writing it makes me want to throw up. How can she lack so much empathy? How can she be so hypocritical? How can she talk about happiness when all she gave me was sadness, hatred and destruction? How can she change the subject in such a disrespectful manner to my feelings? How can she ignore me so blatantly, once again?

I am crying. I can't believe this.

And how could I have been so naive. I get it, deep inside I love her... no, I love my own version of her, as cliche as that sounds, it's true. No, I don't love her. She never existed. She never was the person I thought she was. Here I've been spending my years, hoping one day, after ignoring me so many times, after she avoiding problems so much, after she running away so many times, after she so many times putting the blame on someone else instead of herself, because she can't accept she's not perfect, I still had hope that maybe, one day, she would message me asking me to forgive her, telling me how sorry she is to not have been there where I needed her the most, telling me sorry for putting high volume music so she doesn't listen to me or any of my problems, here I was, thinking I meant anything to her... but I was wrong. It hurts, but all of this time, I was wrong. She's nothing but an illusion.

That's it. I am blocking her. I don't have a mother anymore. I never had a mother in the first place. And I never will.

I can't believe how toxic some people can be. I hope I can recover. Or that the overwhelming emotions finish me before I go any crazier.

Very sad.to read and.painful. Your pain.must be deep.right.now..It.reminds me of my narcissistic parents and Brother.Their cold and.dismissive platitudes..Eventually I disowned them completely for abusing me. It was hard but necessary for i could no longer exist on my terms. Im better for it emotionally and.the toxicity has gone.

 

[DeadHead]

I miss my parents. They were good people who died young. All I had left was my brother who I loved more than anyone in this world. We became estranged 5 years ago in a very bizarre and unexpected turn of events. I still can't believe it, I've been grief stricken ever since. So I literally have no one. I suffer alone. Struggle alone. And will die alone. Hopefully soon if I could only find a method I have confidence in.
The two most important things in life are health and family. I have neither.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really so horrible how humans create so much suffering in this world, it must had been awful being around someone like that. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Aplev]

Very sad.to read and.painful. Your pain.must be deep.right.now..It.reminds me of my narcissistic parents and Brother.Their cold and.dismissive platitudes..Eventually I disowned them completely for abusing me. It was hard but necessary for i could no longer exist on my terms. Im better for it emotionally and.the toxicity has gone.

It is very deep, but thankfully it's starting to not hurt as much (it's never really gone, but at least it doesn't hurt as much). I didn't want to use the word "narcissistic" because it can be offensive for some people, but yes, I meant to say my mother is a narcissistic person. In her mind, she's perfect and any mistake is inconceivable. My father too actually, but I mention my mother since that's who I talked about in this post. Unfortunately, I got some of their toxicity on me, and so I had some toxic behaviors in the past, but thankfully I am becoming aware of them and stopping them/changing them for more healthy behaviors. It doesn't change the fact that I hurt and that I am suffering and that I still want to die, but at least it allows me to live my life/survive in a way that I don't go absolutely crazy.

That said, yes, a lot of the toxicity is gone and I am better emotionally. But I think disowning them is something I hadn't done yet until a couple of hours ago, and that it helps me to get rid of the toxicity that was/is still left in me. Yes, I am completely disowning them. For me, they are strangers now. I don't even have them in my contact list anymore. It feels relieving.

It's really so horrible how humans create so much suffering in this world, it must had been awful being around someone like that. But anyway best wishes.

It is so horrible. And yes it was awful being around someone like my mother. She was also extremely inconsistent, she would yell at times, and be super affective at others. She lacked any emotional capacity to solve her own problems and came to me as a child/teenager to give her emotional and moral support. Eventually I learned there's a term for that situation and that is parentification. Of course, I didn't receive any of the emotional and moral support that I should have, and my advice didn't always help obviously since I was just a kid, but it made my self-esteem even lower ("how my advice didn't work, how my support isn't enough? I must be so useless", I thought) than it already was due to the lack of presence of both of my parents. And this is just one of the many things that she did that traumatized me so much and that she completely denies and is unable to recognize for what it is, abuse. She instead claims to be the victim, the one abused, while at the same time preaching forgiveness and compassion to the world. I'd say it's obvious why she does it. She doesn't forgive herself for letting someone as my father involved with her (when she herself attracted him with her own toxicity) and then projects to others, pretending that others forgive. I know she had a difficult childhood (maybe all toxic parents did), but that doesn't justify her behavior towards me.

It also pains me because an ex-friend used to say that I was so lucky to have someone like her as a mother. And really, many people thought I was so lucky. So of course, my feelings became more invalidated than they already were. I thought for so long that my parents must be right and I must be a bad boy guilty of all of his parents problems and who needs to repent for his devious deeds. With time I learned there are some people that have like this art of appearing as exemplary citizens to others, but really they are rotten inside. That's the truth about my parents and I don't want to deny it any longer. Writing all of this helps me to come to terms with the reality of the situation, no matter how outrageous.

I miss my parents. They were good people who died young. All I had left was my brother who I loved more than anyone in this world. We became estranged 5 years ago in a very bizarre and unexpected turn of events. I still can't believe it, I've been grief stricken ever since. So I literally have no one. I suffer alone. Struggle alone. And will die alone. Hopefully soon if I could only find a method I have confidence in.
The two most important things in life are health and family. I have neither.

I am in a similar situation right now. I have no family left and no friends either. And I am having many health problems. Hopefully our suffering will soon end.

 

[DeadManLiving]

Same with my parents. Out of touch with reality and uneducable. They may have good intent, but they listen with the intent to react, not with the intent to understand.

 

[Rational man]

It is very deep, but thankfully it's starting to not hurt as much (it's never really gone, but at least it doesn't hurt as much). I didn't want to use the word "narcissistic" because it can be offensive for some people, but yes, I meant to say my mother is a narcissistic person. In her mind, she's perfect and any mistake is inconceivable. My father too actually, but I mention my mother since that's who I talked about in this post. Unfortunately, I got some of their toxicity on me, and so I had some toxic behaviors in the past, but thankfully I am becoming aware of them and stopping them/changing them for more healthy behaviors. It doesn't change the fact that I hurt and that I am suffering and that I still want to die, but at least it allows me to live my life/survive in a way that I don't go absolutely crazy.

That said, yes, a lot of the toxicity is gone and I am better emotionally. But I think disowning them is something I hadn't done yet until a couple of hours ago, and that it helps me to get rid of the toxicity that was/is still left in me. Yes, I am completely disowning them. For me, they are strangers now. I don't even have them in my contact list anymore. It feels relieving.

It is so horrible. And yes it was awful being around someone like my mother. She was also extremely inconsistent, she would yell at times, and be super affective at others. She lacked any emotional capacity to solve her own problems and came to me as a child/teenager to give her emotional and moral support. Eventually I learned there's a term for that situation and that is parentification. Of course, I didn't receive any of the emotional and moral support that I should have, and my advice didn't always help obviously since I was just a kid, but it made my self-esteem even lower ("how my advice didn't work, how my support isn't enough? I must be so useless", I thought) than it already was due to the lack of presence of both of my parents. And this is just one of the many things that she did that traumatized me so much and that she completely denies and is unable to recognize for what it is, abuse. She instead claims to be the victim, the one abused, while at the same time preaching forgiveness and compassion to the world. I'd say it's obvious why she does it. She doesn't forgive herself for letting someone as my father involved with her (when she herself attracted him with her own toxicity) and then projects to others, pretending that others forgive. I know she had a difficult childhood (maybe all toxic parents did), but that doesn't justify her behavior towards me.

It also pains me because an ex-friend used to say that I was so lucky to have someone like her as a mother. And really, many people thought I was so lucky. So of course, my feelings became more invalidated than they already were. I thought for so long that my parents must be right and I must be a bad boy guilty of all of his parents problems and who needs to repent for his devious deeds. With time I learned there are some people that have like this art of appearing as exemplary citizens to others, but really they are rotten inside. That's the truth about my parents and I don't want to deny it any longer. Writing all of this helps me to come to terms with the reality of the situation, no matter how outrageous.

I am in a similar situation right now. I have no family left and no friends either. And I am having many health problems. Hopefully our suffering will soon end.

Thats okay. 'Narcissistic' is a term i applied to my parent's platitudes towards me. My brother and mother were text book narcissistic people. Now shes dead my brother continues his abuse against other people in true grandiose style. 'Toxic' is a term you have identified with your parent and the two terms we use maybe seen differently and perceived negatively but above all else, potentially equally damaging. I wish you wellness.

 

[Aplev]

Thats okay. 'Narcissistic' is a term i applied to my parent's platitudes towards me. My brother and mother were text book narcissistic people. Now shes dead my brother continues his abuse against other people in true grandiose style. 'Toxic' is a term you have identified with your parent and the two terms we use maybe seen differently and perceived negatively but above all else, potentially equally damaging. I wish you wellness.

Yeah, you can't romanticize something that is not romantic, right? I mean we can but we shouldn't. If something is abuse, it's abuse, if someone is toxic, they are toxic, if someone is narcissistic, they are narcissistic, period. That's something I am trying to come to terms with. I learned from my mother that it's ok to inflict pain and be disrespectful, laugh about others, etc., you can apologize for it later and everyone will forgive you, it's ok, normal, natural. Well it's not ok, not normal, not natural. People seriously suffer from this type of behavior so it's not romantic or happy at all.

Yeah I think the important thing is to recognize the behavior as damaging, and use a word that describes such behavior. I think it helps to see things as they are without romanticing them or justifying them or anything like that.

Thank you, I wish you wellness too.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

I need somewhere to vent. I can't keep it inside of me anymore. I just can't.

My mother comes back and messages me. She asks me how I am, completely ignoring the terms under which our relationship is. Just like always. She's an extremely toxic person who always blamed me for everything, criticized me, compared me to my older brother, made me feel like I was less than nothing, completely worthless, left me with an extremely low self-esteem, and then she comes, as if nothing had happened. I tell her how hurt I am and how I don't want to talk to her unless she recognizes what she did to me, and all I get is the same excuse from always:
"Son, forget the past, forgive, live the present, love, sing, dance, laugh, be happy". Just writing it makes me want to throw up. How can she lack so much empathy? How can she be so hypocritical? How can she talk about happiness when all she gave me was sadness, hatred and destruction? How can she change the subject in such a disrespectful manner to my feelings? How can she ignore me so blatantly, once again?

I am crying. I can't believe this.

And how could I have been so naive. I get it, deep inside I love her... no, I love my own version of her, as cliche as that sounds, it's true. No, I don't love her. She never existed. She never was the person I thought she was. Here I've been spending my years, hoping one day, after ignoring me so many times, after she avoiding problems so much, after she running away so many times, after she so many times putting the blame on someone else instead of herself, because she can't accept she's not perfect, I still had hope that maybe, one day, she would message me asking me to forgive her, telling me how sorry she is to not have been there where I needed her the most, telling me sorry for putting high volume music so she doesn't listen to me or any of my problems, here I was, thinking I meant anything to her... but I was wrong. It hurts, but all of this time, I was wrong. She's nothing but an illusion.

That's it. I am blocking her. I don't have a mother anymore. I never had a mother in the first place. And I never will.

I can't believe how toxic some people can be. I hope I can recover. Or that the overwhelming emotions finish me before I go any crazier.

your mother most likely has narcissistic personality disorder and needs help, cut off contact with her ):
im sorry you have such a shitty mother, it must be awful knowing that mothers are supposed to be the safe haven of even the strongest men, mothers are to care for their children, nature designed them to, yet youre being abused ):

 

[Katakuri19]

That's it. I am blocking her.

That's the correct way of fixing this issue. It will hurt at first, but it's better in the long run, not dealing with terrible people is a major way of improving your life.

Sorry you had to grow up in such a terrible enviroment, it's clear how damaging that can be, and I wish you the best going forward.

 

[Aplev]

Same with my parents. Out of touch with reality and uneducable. They may have good intent, but they listen with the intent to react, not with the intent to understand.

Yeah, it's more or less that. I am not sure if she has good intent but either way, she's very hurtful and she knows it, because she told me when I was still living with her about what other people told her about her relationship with my father for example. They told her it was a toxic relationship and she was passing that hurt to us (me and my brothers) and she said she knew, but then, that was about it. She bought a suitcase once for the moving she was planning, but she never actually moved. And she lied many times to me about moving, and when I asked her about it (specially one time where I had told all of my schoolmates that I was moving, all for not moving in the end, which led me to feel so ashamed, like I didn't fulfill my own word, even if it was my mother that didn't fulfill her word), she just remained in silence, that's what she always did when she was faced with an uncomfortable situation she didn't have the emotional capacity to handle. She just numbed herself, like switching herself off (like she started to dissociate, never saw it that way but I think one could say that). Which again, I sort of understand as I did the same (she taught me), but again, it still doesn't justify her damaging and abusive behavior.

But yeah, listening with the intent to react and not with the intent to understand describes pretty much what she and my father many times did. Sometimes she did sort of come to me to know about my problems, but she would always make it about her in one way or another, like for example "oh yes I have that situation too and I this and I that" or "oh that's nothing" or she would just start blaming myself, like "well if you just weren't so aggressive all the time you talk to me" (always taking things personally, too, super self-centered and narcissistic). Extremely frustrating, so I naturally didn't see her as a source of trust (and then she would come and blame me for not trusting her, just one more of the long list of abusive things she did to me). It's not a bad thing to talk about yourself, but just know when to do it and when not to do it. Have respect for other people's time and feelings (time in the sense that you are at a time where you need comfort from someone close like a parent).

your mother most likely has narcissistic personality disorder and needs help, cut off contact with her ):
im sorry you have such a shitty mother, it must be awful knowing that mothers are supposed to be the safe haven of even the strongest men, mothers are to care for their children, nature designed them to, yet youre being abused ):

You know what's probably most tragic about she needing help? She once had the guts to come to me and tell me "I had this conversation with my therapist a couple of years ago, she told me that I need to be strong for you". Like, if she told you to be strong for me, then be strong for me, why are you telling me this? What, are you expecting me to treat you like everything's fine and tell you "oh you are trying so hard, it's ok if you are not strong, people are being so tough and so demanding to you you must be so tired come on don't be so tough you are doing just great"? Come on, grow up. If she told you that, it's because you have a problem and you must make yourself responsible for it, specially since you have very young children which depend on you. Maybe I don't need to say this, but she only attended a couple of sessions (if even that), she never wanted to go back (oh but she always told me and my brother to go to a therapist, maybe they could solve the problems she's unable to solve as a responsable adult, maybe someone else could do it, why her after all, right? I'd say that was her thinking, disgusting, awful to say the least). Oh and that time where her therapist from then passed in the medical institution where we were in and she said "look that's the therapist I attended", like, what, is having gone to a therapist supposed to be like a trophy or something? And, if she's so close, what's your excuse for not going? The hypocrisy...

And yeah, it is awful to have such a shitty mother while to most people a mother is a safe haven, and just like you say, that's the way that it's supposed to be, that's how they are designed to be, that's what I was designed to expect, I was so eagerly waiting to receive her care and nourishment... and abuse is what I receive? It really messes up with your head.

Although, personally, while the above is awful, I think it's even more awful that I thought for so long that I was to blame, that my mother was right when she made me responsible of her own negligence, that she messed so hard with my head that I truly believed these things, just thinking about it makes me feel crazy and overwhelmed with emotions of rage and impotence. Like it's so outrageous. And the people around, how can they not see who she really is (I mean, the people who directly told her she needs help did tell, but I think it's a minority and I never had a chance to directly talk to them, might have been/could be validating, but it's just not in my possibilities, I'll let it go). I still sometimes believe unconsciously that it's all my fault, it just doesn't go away, you just learn ways to manage it, but it never really goes away. It's really, really awful.

That's the correct way of fixing this issue. It will hurt at first, but it's better in the long run, not dealing with terrible people is a major way of improving your life.

Sorry you had to grow up in such a terrible enviroment, it's clear how damaging that can be, and I wish you the best going forward.

Thank you, it is validating to read such compassionate and understanding responses. I hope one day I can get off all of the toxicity that I feel is still left in me.

 

[Unattainable666]

Sounds as if we had the same bitch (I don't call mine a mother). She pulled the same crap on me. SHe adored my sister (who died of a drug overdose). I put up with so much crap and then one day about 30 years ago I told her no more and I haven't seen or heard from her since. She destroyed my life and quite honestly I hate her.
Sounds as if we had the same bitch (I don't call mine a mother). She pulled the same crap on me. SHe adored my sister (who died of a drug overdose). I put up with so much crap and then one day about 30 years ago I told her no more and I haven't seen or heard from her since. She destroyed my life and quite honestly I hate her.

 

[Aplev]

Sounds as if we had the same bitch (I don't call mine a mother). She pulled the same crap on me. SHe adored my sister (who died of a drug overdose). I put up with so much crap and then one day about 30 years ago I told her no more and I haven't seen or heard from her since. She destroyed my life and quite honestly I hate her.
Sounds as if we had the same bitch (I don't call mine a mother). She pulled the same crap on me. SHe adored my sister (who died of a drug overdose). I put up with so much crap and then one day about 30 years ago I told her no more and I haven't seen or heard from her since. She destroyed my life and quite honestly I hate her.

You know, I think I should call her for what she is, a bitch. Yeah, in my case, she adored my brothers, specially my older one. Me, I was the son of the man that she hated because to her, he was the cause of her misfortune and disgrace (my older brother had a different father). So of course she hated me. She told me many times that I was the favourite of the man she got into a relationship with (no, I won't call him a father, not anymore), and directly told me my older brother was her own favourite. To her, it made things fair, because she was always in a war with that man. She complained so much about that situation, but she did everything she could to make it even worse. And yeah, my older brother was always problematic in many ways, but she still always preferred him. Yeah, she destroyed my life and... I don't know if I want to say that I hate her, I don't know if I hate her. But she's a bitch, she destroyed my life, and I don't want anything to do with her, not anymore. I am done with this crap.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Yeah, it's more or less that. I am not sure if she has good intent but either way, she's very hurtful and she knows it, because she told me when I was still living with her about what other people told her about her relationship with my father for example. They told her it was a toxic relationship and she was passing that hurt to us (me and my brothers) and she said she knew, but then, that was about it. She bought a suitcase once for the moving she was planning, but she never actually moved. And she lied many times to me about moving, and when I asked her about it (specially one time where I had told all of my schoolmates that I was moving, all for not moving in the end, which led me to feel so ashamed, like I didn't fulfill my own word, even if it was my mother that didn't fulfill her word), she just remained in silence, that's what she always did when she was faced with an uncomfortable situation she didn't have the emotional capacity to handle. She just numbed herself, like switching herself off (like she started to dissociate, never saw it that way but I think one could say that). Which again, I sort of understand as I did the same (she taught me), but again, it still doesn't justify her damaging and abusive behavior.

But yeah, listening with the intent to react and not with the intent to understand describes pretty much what she and my father many times did. Sometimes she did sort of come to me to know about my problems, but she would always make it about her in one way or another, like for example "oh yes I have that situation too and I this and I that" or "oh that's nothing" or she would just start blaming myself, like "well if you just weren't so aggressive all the time you talk to me" (always taking things personally, too, super self-centered and narcissistic). Extremely frustrating, so I naturally didn't see her as a source of trust (and then she would come and blame me for not trusting her, just one more of the long list of abusive things she did to me). It's not a bad thing to talk about yourself, but just know when to do it and when not to do it. Have respect for other people's time and feelings (time in the sense that you are at a time where you need comfort from someone close like a parent).


You know what's probably most tragic about she needing help? She once had the guts to come to me and tell me "I had this conversation with my therapist a couple of years ago, she told me that I need to be strong for you". Like, if she told you to be strong for me, then be strong for me, why are you telling me this? What, are you expecting me to treat you like everything's fine and tell you "oh you are trying so hard, it's ok if you are not strong, people are being so tough and so demanding to you you must be so tired come on don't be so tough you are doing just great"? Come on, grow up. If she told you that, it's because you have a problem and you must make yourself responsible for it, specially since you have very young children which depend on you. Maybe I don't need to say this, but she only attended a couple of sessions (if even that), she never wanted to go back (oh but she always told me and my brother to go to a therapist, maybe they could solve the problems she's unable to solve as a responsable adult, maybe someone else could do it, why her after all, right? I'd say that was her thinking, disgusting, awful to say the least). Oh and that time where her therapist from then passed in the medical institution where we were in and she said "look that's the therapist I attended", like, what, is having gone to a therapist supposed to be like a trophy or something? And, if she's so close, what's your excuse for not going? The hypocrisy...

And yeah, it is awful to have such a shitty mother while to most people a mother is a safe haven, and just like you say, that's the way that it's supposed to be, that's how they are designed to be, that's what I was designed to expect, I was so eagerly waiting to receive her care and nourishment... and abuse is what I receive? It really messes up with your head.

Although, personally, while the above is awful, I think it's even more awful that I thought for so long that I was to blame, that my mother was right when she made me responsible of her own negligence, that she messed so hard with my head that I truly believed these things, just thinking about it makes me feel crazy and overwhelmed with emotions of rage and impotence. Like it's so outrageous. And the people around, how can they not see who she really is (I mean, the people who directly told her she needs help did tell, but I think it's a minority and I never had a chance to directly talk to them, might have been/could be validating, but it's just not in my possibilities, I'll let it go). I still sometimes believe unconsciously that it's all my fault, it just doesn't go away, you just learn ways to manage it, but it never really goes away. It's really, really awful.

Thank you, it is validating to read such compassionate and understanding responses. I hope one day I can get off all of the toxicity that I feel is still left in me.

You got unlucky and rolled bad RNG
Thats life for you. A sick lottery game