Robbyna
Student
- Mar 6, 2019
- 182
In the past several months my life has taken a complete 180. I was a high functioning professional person with a well paying job. Now I've lost my car and may lose my home and am hanging on to my job by legalities that prevent discrimination against the mentally ill. I believe this started from daily marijuana use, but I was depressed before but now I question life itself. I have the thought that we are all slaves on never ending loops of servitude. Part of me knows this is absurd but the thought haunts me and keeps me awake at night. I've been in and out of treatment for the past year for depression and a 2 suicide attempts, one that left me hospitalized for 7 days, and I write this from a treatment facility. I just want to die. I wish we could just will ourselves dead. The therapist said she hoped I'd be around another 30 years and I am 35 and I feel I've lived long enough. I pray every night to die in my sleep. I've been thinking a lot of partial suspension hanging and I have tried it a few times, but can't get it right. I don't know why I am still alive. I don't know why it's so hard to leave this body behind. Today I'm being monitored for possible inpatient treatment. I shouldn't be so honest...or maybe I should. Any advice on methods would be welcomed. If I go inpatient I will try to CTB in the facility. What stops me now is the possibility of my family finding me and never getting over the trauma. If you know please tell me how to end this.
