
hfdepression30
Experienced
- Mar 30, 2021
- 236
I wish I wasn't as weak minded as I am.
Comparing myself to others makes me realise I need to step it up and just do what's best for me - which is to ctb.
I'm 30, yet I'll see an article about a teen who caught the bus and I think 'if they can do it, why can't I or why haven't I yet?' or, even though I know money or marriage doesn't buy happiness, but someone who has a successful career or someone with a spouse and/or kids. I don't have anything to live for, nor do I want anything as it would make the decision to leave harder, but whenever I see these articles and their photos I think 'you had or were doing so much more than me', 'compared to me you had so much more to lose or more to give up' yet they still had more courage and determination. I mean it's just frustrating.. it shouldn't be this difficult, and when I think about it logically it isn't either, it's just overcoming the initial fear and SI.
Like hanging for example. It doesn't require some fancy rope, special equipment or tons of planning. Most hangings tend to be more of an impulsive action anyway and there's been plenty of cases where people have used a belt, shoelaces, a rope tie, a scarf, bedsheets, whatever.. and used a steady anchor, which also doesn't have to be special. I could've done it at any point in the last 17 years but I still haven't. Really makes me feel pathetic. I can't live and I can't die. I want to can that to 'I could live, but I want to die, and I will'
Urghhhaaddkfkfisjsusb
*finger smashing keyboard*
Comparing myself to others makes me realise I need to step it up and just do what's best for me - which is to ctb.
I'm 30, yet I'll see an article about a teen who caught the bus and I think 'if they can do it, why can't I or why haven't I yet?' or, even though I know money or marriage doesn't buy happiness, but someone who has a successful career or someone with a spouse and/or kids. I don't have anything to live for, nor do I want anything as it would make the decision to leave harder, but whenever I see these articles and their photos I think 'you had or were doing so much more than me', 'compared to me you had so much more to lose or more to give up' yet they still had more courage and determination. I mean it's just frustrating.. it shouldn't be this difficult, and when I think about it logically it isn't either, it's just overcoming the initial fear and SI.
Like hanging for example. It doesn't require some fancy rope, special equipment or tons of planning. Most hangings tend to be more of an impulsive action anyway and there's been plenty of cases where people have used a belt, shoelaces, a rope tie, a scarf, bedsheets, whatever.. and used a steady anchor, which also doesn't have to be special. I could've done it at any point in the last 17 years but I still haven't. Really makes me feel pathetic. I can't live and I can't die. I want to can that to 'I could live, but I want to die, and I will'
Urghhhaaddkfkfisjsusb
*finger smashing keyboard*