Communication

[Water-Lily]

I remember reading this book "I hate you don't leave me" and there was a case study of a girl confronting her abusive parents. The girl had BPD. She confronted her father for molesting her and the mom for knowing and doing nothing about it. The girl screamed at her parents for how they treated her. Her parents just downplayed her and they didn't get anywhere.

In working with her therapist, the girl learned how to communicate differently and get her points across to her parents without yelling and becoming irrational. Her father ended up admitting to the molestation and the mom admitted to not stepping in. All 3 of them were able to have a conversation.

I forgot all the details and I may have gotten some things wrong. I also don't know how the girl moved forward and if she still talked to her parents afterwards. But it made me reflect on myself

I carry so much anger towards my family. For how they enabled my mom to abuse me and allowed me to be the scapegoat and suffer abuse. My father especially being emotionally abusive and hurting me and invalidating my feelings. I always felt it was so unfair how I was being abused and mistreated, and when I would cry and react I'd be expected to be "mature" when everyone else was allowed to just abuse and hurt me how they pleased. How come they can get away with it and have no issue hurting me and being irrational to me, yet when I do it back I'm expected to be mature and "better"?

Thing is, as valid as my feelings are towards the abuse I suffered, reacting and acting irrational is not going to make people listen to me. If I want to be listened to and heard I have to be willing to carry myself differently. It's hard and unfair, but no one is going to listen to a raging person and take them seriously. I can speak my mind to my family and hold myself to a standard of maturity. I know it's not something I can do all the time and I will slip up and lose my cool as I'm only human. But I want to try and go about this differently

 

[Angi]

You have some interesting points here. Please add if you find the book you are citing! Sounding "mature" is more likely to give your family the ability to engage in the conversation.

Have you thought about what you would like to gain from the conversation you are imagining? I think you need a clear idea of this, or you will very likely be disappointed.

You write about feeling listened to and heard. The strategy you are discribing gives you a much better chance at the former, I guess. The latter, maybe not so much. I hope your family does better, but you might want to brace yourself for your family not hearing your point. I say this because I have tried to walk the same path. "Listened to" was all I reached, if I choose a very benevolent definition of it. They will not hear my point. And this is ok, I think. Hearing how I suffered would invalidate so much of their experience of our common lifes. Personally, I have decided to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. This way, I do not need them to hear my pain. Your milage may vary, but I think you are much more likely too reach any relationship goal if you are aware of it.

It hope you find some relief!

 

[houseofleaves]

Kinda yeah, BUT — do we really need to talk with and to be heard by unempathetic inhuman monsters? I dunno… i mean, maybe — but for myself i choosed to never talk to them; and if i have to, i say not a word of truth. I dunno. I think, that's what they deserve.

 

[Water-Lily]

You have some interesting points here. Please add if you find the book you are citing! Sounding "mature" is more likely to give your family the ability to engage in the conversation.

Have you thought about what you would like to gain from the conversation you are imagining? I think you need a clear idea of this, or you will very likely be disappointed.

You write about feeling listened to and heard. The strategy you are discribing gives you a much better chance at the former, I guess. The latter, maybe not so much. I hope your family does better, but you might want to brace yourself for your family not hearing your point. I say this because I have tried to walk the same path. "Listened to" was all I reached, if I choose a very benevolent definition of it. They will not hear my point. And this is ok, I think. Hearing how I suffered would invalidate so much of their experience of our common lifes. Personally, I have decided to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. This way, I do not need them to hear my pain. Your milage may vary, but I think you are much more likely too reach any relationship goal if you are aware of it.

It hope you find some relief!

Since I still live with them it's difficult. I had a talk with my dad over how I felt about his invalidation/emotional abuse. He was receptive to it

I am sure once I move out I will have more agency and a greater ability to establish boundaries or go NC if needed

Kinda yeah, BUT — do we really need to talk with and to be heard by unempathetic inhuman monsters? I dunno… i mean, maybe — but for myself i choosed to never talk to them; and if i have to, i say not a word of truth. I dunno. I think, that's what they deserve.

Maybe. I think it all depends. My family doesn't "deserve" to hear what I have to say. After all the whole family is why I am suffering so much current trauma

But I just observe how they have treated me in my worst explosive moments. Like how my mom would scream and lash and fight out and expected everyone to coddle her. But no one was there for me

Honestly, they can go fuck themselves. But it's not easy either

 

[Pluto]

It can be worthwhile to give this a try for the sake of closure. People like that generally don't admit to wrongdoing; if they were able to empathise, none of the abuse would have happened in the first place. But a high quality confrontation can give you a chance to firmly let out your feelings. I've heard of therapists recommending this even if the parents are dead.