shinitai_sh0jo
Is it so selfish to want to feel a little better?
- Dec 30, 2023
- 104
The phrase that describes most of the mistakes of my life is "I should not have said that."
I can't even count the amount of times that happened, when or I wasn't smart enough to catch on a conversation quick enough, I misinterpreted on something someone said which led to me saying something that didn't make any sense...
I feel like overall, it doesn't matter how many years pass by, I never am skilled enough with talking to others. I always manage to screw up with something that drives other people away from me.
Sometimes it can be even something small, but I still feel so awful for screwing up with that "small thing." It's like I'm never growing as I should have...
I'm sure this kind of thought can be because I have autistic disorder, which whether or not it is a problem that affects communication... But I never really had any friends with similar problems that actually helped to understand myself better.
Maybe it's better that I end up alone, in the end? I really hate the idea, but... It feels like that will be the case.
I wish I just had died instead of my sister when we were born. There would be no difference, and I wouldn't have to feel like this right now.
I wish I had someone to put the blame on what I feel.
I mostly absent my mother from somethings that have happened, like my father being a complete shit in the beginning of my teenage years, but.. idk
I feel like hating her for making me exist.
Why did she make me feel so responsable for her feelings now? Why do I always have to be blamed for what I feel?
Why is it always my fault?
I can't even count the amount of times that happened, when or I wasn't smart enough to catch on a conversation quick enough, I misinterpreted on something someone said which led to me saying something that didn't make any sense...
I feel like overall, it doesn't matter how many years pass by, I never am skilled enough with talking to others. I always manage to screw up with something that drives other people away from me.
Sometimes it can be even something small, but I still feel so awful for screwing up with that "small thing." It's like I'm never growing as I should have...
I'm sure this kind of thought can be because I have autistic disorder, which whether or not it is a problem that affects communication... But I never really had any friends with similar problems that actually helped to understand myself better.
Maybe it's better that I end up alone, in the end? I really hate the idea, but... It feels like that will be the case.
I wish I just had died instead of my sister when we were born. There would be no difference, and I wouldn't have to feel like this right now.
I wish I had someone to put the blame on what I feel.
I mostly absent my mother from somethings that have happened, like my father being a complete shit in the beginning of my teenage years, but.. idk
I feel like hating her for making me exist.
Why did she make me feel so responsable for her feelings now? Why do I always have to be blamed for what I feel?
Why is it always my fault?
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