Fatality

Fatality

Member
Apr 17, 2019
69
There are relatively no easy or simple method I can do, it all has to do with mathematics, chemistry and knowing the anatomy..but I can't do any of that because my mind does not work like it use to, I have the inability to learn, store information, remember and concentrate so it makes it excessively difficult and there's no one near my area, that I can ctb with and I have no transportation to travel. I have no finances to pay for anything over 50$. It's all feeling hopeless, that I'll be trapped on this earth forever , I fucken hate EXISTENCE .
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
A lady in Britain grabbed a knife off a supermarket shelf and jabbed it through her carotid/jugular and was dead before EMS arrived.
People who can't afford guns sometimes go to gun-ranges to rent one instead.
Not saying you should resort to those.
I also struggle with the unpleasantness of it, which is why I haven't ctb. I read news reports of other people ctb for inspiration on method/courage.

...It hasn't worked to push me over the edge yet. :(
Also, nailguns are not easy to ctb with. Do not try a nailgun. A human skull can accumulate a lot of nails before you actually die. Not recommended.
 
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Fatality

Fatality

Member
Apr 17, 2019
69
A lady in Britain grabbed a knife off a supermarket shelf and jabbed it through her carotid/jugular and was dead before EMS arrived.
People who can't afford guns sometimes go to gun-ranges to rent one instead.
Not saying you should resort to those.
I also struggle with the unpleasantness of it, which is why I haven't ctb. I read news reports of other people ctb for inspiration on method/courage.

...It hasn't worked to push me over the edge yet. :(
Also, nailguns are not easy to ctb with. Do not try a nailgun. A human skull can accumulate a lot of nails before you actually die. Not recommended.


A lady in Britain grabbed a knife off a supermarket shelf and jabbed it through her carotid/jugular and was dead before EMS arrived.
People who can't afford guns sometimes go to gun-ranges to rent one instead.
Not saying you should resort to those.
I also struggle with the unpleasantness of it, which is why I haven't ctb. I read news reports of other people ctb for inspiration on method/courage.

...It hasn't worked to push me over the edge yet. :(
Also, nailguns are not easy to ctb with. Do not try a nailgun. A human skull can accumulate a lot of nails before you actually die. Not recommended.
I have no will power to live, I have no will power to die, I don't think I could go out in a gruesome or painless way, because of that. So I am not eve considering going out with any of those methods you listed, haha. People who do that, have a lot of fucken strength and courage to die, they have the will to die.
 
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BipolarExpat

BipolarExpat

Accomplished faker
May 30, 2019
698
A lady in Britain grabbed a knife off a supermarket shelf and jabbed it through her carotid/jugular and was dead before EMS arrived.

Just Wow :mmm:

I agree that it's very difficult, tho some seem to have an easier time than others.

First off most people who have these feelings in the 1st place are simultaneously dealing with any number of symptoms at the same time. Frustration, mental fog, exhaustion, and indecisiveness are common off-shoots of depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, etc.

Beyond that (if you can somehow get a reasonable plan together) there's a truckload of Survival Instinct just waiting to F with your plans.
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
I have no will power to live, I have no will power to die, I don't think I could go out in a gruesome or painless way, because of that. So I am not eve considering going out with any of those methods you listed, haha. People who do that, have a lot of fucken strength and courage to die, they have the will to die.
Well, good.
I keep telling myself "It only takes ten seconds of courage to end a lifetime of misery." But I'm still trying to avoid the pain.
 
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Conflicted Cat

Conflicted Cat

Experienced
May 23, 2019
256
Yeah. It's very hard. It's not as easy as everyone likes to make it out to be. Most of the people who say it's easy don't even know what they're talking about, because they've never tried.
 
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Fatality

Fatality

Member
Apr 17, 2019
69
Well, good.
I keep telling myself "It only takes ten seconds of courage to end a lifetime of misery." But I'm still trying to avoid the pain.


People think if you don't go ou with pain, you don't want to die but I don't agre. Our lives have been painful and that's why we are on the brisk of offing ourselves and so we deserve final some peace when we get out of this world.
 
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rata1

Arcanist
May 8, 2019
448
I agree it's very hard. Ieven don't know if it is always SI. Some times it seems to me that its like a sort of distance to my proper will. Like if the problem that i have all my life long (not feeling myself, not feeling or knowing what i want, not to have an identitity, not knowing me), this kind of distance to myself, would hinder me to ctb. I was two times standing at the edge at a place where i just would have had to jump. One second of decision and i would now be where i wanted to go, no more thinking around about methods, sense of ctb and all that stuff. i once was so convinced and forced to do it, that i bought a big knife, the plan was to stab it in my heart or my cartoid artery. Next try was partial. I'm still here. I regret this. I really wanted to die, i didn't do it, i even don't know if these tries can be called tries. It doesn't feel as it would have been SI. It felt more like distance to what i wanted to do, to my own will. Sometimes i also ask myself if its because of the others that i didn't do it. Questions like "what will friends, people that know me think?", "some people will have problems or stress because of what i am doing". I don't know, but i can confirm that it is very difficult. Idk but i am quite sure that i wanted to die. The reason for that i didn't do it finally, was surely not that i didn't want it to do. i know am less convinced about if i will be able to do it but nevertheless i am looking forward to my next try (or whatever you wanna call it).
i wish us all luck in everything we want to achieve.
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
People think if you don't go ou with pain, you don't want to die but I don't agre. Our lives have been painful and that's why we are on the brisk of offing ourselves and so we deserve final some peace when we get out of this world.
Yeah. I feel like if I die feeling bad or sad, the people who tormented me won. I can't do it until it feels like a release, not a failure. A pardon instead of a death-sentence.
I kind of really really want some drug induced euphoria to help it feel good too, so I really want opiates, except I would have to talk to a drugdealer for that and I hate talking to people.
 
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rata1

Arcanist
May 8, 2019
448
Yeah. I feel like if I die feeling bad or sad, the people who tormented me won. I can't do it until it feels like a release, not a failure. A pardon instead of a death-sentence.
I kind of really really want some drug induced euphoria to help it feel good too, so I really want opiates, except I would have to talk to a drugdealer for that and I hate talking to people.

i also woulld tlike to do it in a positive mood. not necessarily party but like a autodetermined action. positive an active and nice. but still don't know how to manage that....
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
i also woulld tlike to do it in a positive mood. not necessarily party but like a autodetermined action. positive an active and nice. but still don't know how to manage that....
weed. but maybe not if you're a first-timer.
 
Fatality

Fatality

Member
Apr 17, 2019
69
Yeah. I feel like if I die feeling bad or sad, the people who tormented me won. I can't do it until it feels like a release, not a failure. A pardon instead of a death-sentence.
I kind of really really want some drug induced euphoria to help it feel good too, so I really want opiates, except I would have to talk to a drugdealer for that and I hate talking to people.
Where could I buy drugs to od
 
BipolarExpat

BipolarExpat

Accomplished faker
May 30, 2019
698
Weed, red wine, sunset.....would kinda feel like life's worth livin'
 
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BipolarExpat

BipolarExpat

Accomplished faker
May 30, 2019
698
if there wasn't the rest of life disregarding weed, wine, sunset......

Fair point

I was f*cking depressed on an African safari once.
 
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rata1

Arcanist
May 8, 2019
448
Fair point

I was f*cking depressed on an African safari once.
ohh i know this kind of situations. nicest situations and one can't realize or feel it, is not able to enjoy. it's like punishment. hardest fucking punishment. its like hell
to know that life could be so nice and at the same time being forced to realize that one can not participate in that nice life
 
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rata1

Arcanist
May 8, 2019
448
thats why i would like to have a nice ending, an optimistic ending, an ending where i can feel and tell myself: it's the best for me, i want to do it, so i will do it and as i decide to do it i also will determine how it will end: with red wine, nice landscape, sunny weather, some nice last joint and a nice panorama, birds singing and so on :)
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
Weed, red wine, sunset.....would kinda feel like life's worth livin'
lol I always say I'm gonna smoke one last joint, then I go "it's so good I have to finish the bag. I'll ctb next week."

Stayed alive thirty years that way.
 
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rata1

Arcanist
May 8, 2019
448
lol I always say I'm gonna smoke one last joint, then I go "it's so good I have to finish the bag. I'll ctb next week."

Stayed alive thirty years that way.

perhaps taking the bag with you on the ride to the other side would solve this neverending circle. ancient romans put a coin in the mouth of the dead before sending them on the ride (means: burning them) to pay the ferryman. you could smoke a joint togehter with the ferryman
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
I

though you know because of what you written
I am bad at buying illegal drugs because I hate talking to people and especially dope dealers. They always want to leverage it for sex. ugh.
 
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Fatality

Fatality

Member
Apr 17, 2019
69
I am bad at buying illegal drugs because I hate talking to people and especially dope dealers. They always want to leverage it for sex. ugh.
So if I give someone sex I could get drugs for free?
 
BipolarExpat

BipolarExpat

Accomplished faker
May 30, 2019
698
Available in most major cities.
 
not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
So if I give someone sex I could get drugs for free?
well it won't be good sex, and sometimes the dope turns out to be a ripoff, but you can do whatever floats your boat. ;)
 
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Fatality

Fatality

Member
Apr 17, 2019
69
well it won't be good sex, and sometimes the dope turns out to be a ripoff, but you can do whatever floats your boat. ;)
How can I test the authenticity of drugs ? And it's quality ? And how do I know if I can trust the dealer or not ?