Venting Committing slow suicide with my mom.

[Imaginos]

Lately I've been doing really, really badly. Just letting myself go completely and getting fat again. I always feel like I have a light/moderate headache because of how horrifically depressed I am all the time. My mom's super depressed as well, but wants to try and go to the gym and do other things, but I'm too depressed and disinterested to even step out the door. I just want to LDAR and eat muffins all day instead. I'm all she's got though, since she has no friends or anyone else in her life at all. It's the type of disastrous dynamic where when I say I'm too depressed to do anything, then she's too depressed to do anything either. I feel responsible for the fact that I'm just dragging her down with me and putting her health at risk. I just wish she had a life of her own, and I could just freely self-destruct by myself without it leading to her being left to do the same as well.

Exercise never really did much for me, even during those years where I did it consistently and took it seriously, and I've since returned to unhealthy habits because I couldn't be bothered to keep doing something that barely gave me anything in return. In my case, it never improved my mood and was always a mind numbingly tedious/boring hassle to do. My mom's been trying lately to get the both of us to the gym, but I'm too depressed and indifferent to oblige her. I should be doing it for her sake, since she's not very healthy and at her age it's very important to take one's health seriously, but I'm too fucked up and dead inside to motivate myself to do anything. If anything happens in the future to jeopardize her health, I can imagine that I'll be blaming myself pretty hard for my current lack of involvement. Not that realizing that is doing anything to change my behavior. I'm just completely fucking hopeless.

There's an extremely morbid atmosphere that permeates everything around here, in terms of the two of us just enduring our utterly miserable lives and waiting to die. Been that way for at least 15 years now. My dad also literally rotted away before our eyes to a skeleton on account of ALS and died just this past June, so that definitely added even further to the crushing morbidity of the situation. If extreme misery itself (outside of suicide) were imminently fatal, she and I would've died a thousand times over by this point. The codependency that exists between the two of us, along with her pathetically empty life, has definitely exacerbated my own struggles with the same thing and did a lot to cause/shape my chronically depressed personality and unfixable situation. We're just a couple of corpses rotting away in purgatory, where time itself literally has no meaning beyond being the fire that's slowly scorching away what's left of our damaged minds and terrible lives.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so horrible. I understand it is painful when everything is hopeless. I hope you find peace.

 

[user_name_here]

really sucks that your going through this, but it's also very honorable and caring of you to be so aware of the impact you have on your Mom.

 

[44nutz1977]

Lately I've been doing really, really badly. Just letting myself go completely and getting fat again. I always feel like I have a light/moderate headache because of how horrifically depressed I am all the time. My mom's super depressed as well, but wants to try and go to the gym and do other things, but I'm too depressed and disinterested to even step out the door. I just want to LDAR and eat muffins all day instead. I'm all she's got though, since she has no friends or anyone else in her life at all. It's the type of disastrous dynamic where when I say I'm too depressed to do anything, then she's too depressed to do anything either. I feel responsible for the fact that I'm just dragging her down with me and putting her health at risk. I just wish she had a life of her own, and I could just freely self-destruct by myself without it leading to her being left to do the same as well.

Exercise never really did much for me, even during those years where I did it consistently and took it seriously, and I've since returned to unhealthy habits because I couldn't be bothered to keep doing something that barely gave me anything in return. In my case, it never improved my mood and was always a mind numbingly tedious/boring hassle to do. My mom's been trying lately to get the both of us to the gym, but I'm too depressed and indifferent to oblige her. I should be doing it for her sake, since she's not very healthy and at her age it's very important to take one's health seriously, but I'm too fucked up and dead inside to motivate myself to do anything. If anything happens in the future to jeopardize her health, I can imagine that I'll be blaming myself pretty hard for my current lack of involvement. Not that realizing that is doing anything to change my behavior. I'm just completely fucking hopeless.

There's an extremely morbid atmosphere that permeates everything around here, in terms of the two of us just enduring our utterly miserable lives and waiting to die. Been that way for at least 15 years now. My dad also literally rotted away before our eyes to a skeleton on account of ALS and died just this past June, so that definitely added even further to the crushing morbidity of the situation. If extreme misery itself (outside of suicide) were imminently fatal, she and I would've died a thousand times over by this point. The codependency that exists between the two of us, along with her pathetically empty life, has definitely exacerbated my own struggles with the same thing and did a lot to cause/shape my chronically depressed personality and unfixable situation. We're just a couple of corpses rotting away in purgatory, where time itself literally has no meaning beyond being the fire that's slowly scorching away what's left of our damaged minds and terrible lives.

Lately I've been doing really, really badly. Just letting myself go completely and getting fat again. I always feel like I have a light/moderate headache because of how horrifically depressed I am all the time. My mom's super depressed as well, but wants to try and go to the gym and do other things, but I'm too depressed and disinterested to even step out the door. I just want to LDAR and eat muffins all day instead. I'm all she's got though, since she has no friends or anyone else in her life at all. It's the type of disastrous dynamic where when I say I'm too depressed to do anything, then she's too depressed to do anything either. I feel responsible for the fact that I'm just dragging her down with me and putting her health at risk. I just wish she had a life of her own, and I could just freely self-destruct by myself without it leading to her being left to do the same as well.

Exercise never really did much for me, even during those years where I did it consistently and took it seriously, and I've since returned to unhealthy habits because I couldn't be bothered to keep doing something that barely gave me anything in return. In my case, it never improved my mood and was always a mind numbingly tedious/boring hassle to do. My mom's been trying lately to get the both of us to the gym, but I'm too depressed and indifferent to oblige her. I should be doing it for her sake, since she's not very healthy and at her age it's very important to take one's health seriously, but I'm too fucked up and dead inside to motivate myself to do anything. If anything happens in the future to jeopardize her health, I can imagine that I'll be blaming myself pretty hard for my current lack of involvement. Not that realizing that is doing anything to change my behavior. I'm just completely fucking hopeless.

There's an extremely morbid atmosphere that permeates everything around here, in terms of the two of us just enduring our utterly miserable lives and waiting to die. Been that way for at least 15 years now. My dad also literally rotted away before our eyes to a skeleton on account of ALS and died just this past June, so that definitely added even further to the crushing morbidity of the situation. If extreme misery itself (outside of suicide) were imminently fatal, she and I would've died a thousand times over by this point. The codependency that exists between the two of us, along with her pathetically empty life, has definitely exacerbated my own struggles with the same thing and did a lot to cause/shape my chronically depressed personality and unfixable situation. We're just a couple of corpses rotting away in purgatory, where time itself literally has no meaning beyond being the fire that's slowly scorching away what's left of our damaged minds and terrible lives.

I can relate to SO much of this.

My current situation I have become a carer for my 83yr old friend. Since the pandemic he has gone into dementia... Has spinal stenosis .. spondylitis. I am trying to enable him. But he doesn't really want to.

He is ready to die. I have lived with this man for 15 years and as I look back I realise he never wanted to live. He just sucked the life from me. Making me make decisions. He can't t do anything Pro active..he just wants to sweep leaves.

I am so fucking unwell. In hell.

I am trying to keep a man alive yet we both want to die. He is doing nothing to make me want to live. I have come off Facebook. I am isolating completely... Yet I saw an old friend to watch DUNE two days ago. That felt GOOD.

I can't get out of this situation. I owe my 83yr friend help. Help to care. But I can't care about myself.

This leaves me two options. Leave before him so he can get care. Which will be better I think as I know him too well. He has become used for me doing things for him now. He is making zero effort and I don't know of it's his dementia (not diagnosed officially) or he is being stubborn and taking the piss our of me a bit.

It's an unhealthy situation. Like you .. I feel the air thick with madness. It's so think with crazy. Two crazy people waiting to die.

I am always the Pro active one. Looks like I have to leave first. He doesn't take 'risks'.. so he will probably die slowly. I think he has 'lewy body dementia' too which is a horrible way to go. But the doctors can only do so much. I can only do so much.

Any mental strength I have left goes towards cooking and a little cleaning here. And eating .. I am alcoholic yet sober now. I am eating alcoholically .. eating myself to death. My blood pressure is thru the roof too. Hell on Earth.

Hell does exist. I visited a few times. Its in us. Our minds. On Earth.

 

[Imaginos]

Life really is so horrible. I understand it is painful when everything is hopeless. I hope you find peace.

Well, when it comes down to it, we're both in desperate need of a miracle to come save us and turn our lives around for the better, but that's probably never going to happen. Billions of people throughout human history lived their whole lives being a permanent prisoner to misfortune and misery, and the miracles they so desperately hoped to arrive to make things better, instead remained forever elusive. So it goes for me and my mother, as we continue to just keep rotting away in this lousy little house and drowning together in our shared misery, while impatiently waiting day after day for our own personal Godot to show up.

Why did things have to be this way? I can't help, but ask myself that, even though I know that all this awfulness was always going to be what it was going to be. At least my mom's in a place right now where she wants to try and do a few things. The tragedy is that I'm all she has, and I'm more dead than alive. It really is a damn shame. The way life turns out for most of us. We tread water, we eek by, and we keep surviving. Sometimes, in especially unlucky lives, that's all someone can ever do. I just want her to keep surviving too, for as long as she possibly can. I absolutely need her to do that, because the alternative is too painful to even contemplate.

 

[44nutz1977]

Our situations are so SO similar.
One thing keeping me alive is just to see what is coming next. This world has become so crazy. With the pandemic. Governments in every part of earth corrupted. Religion still brainwashing billions... People throughout time always think of 'end times' or 'apocalypse' ... Certain religions want this. They want 'death' too although in their smug little minds they think they are 'chosen'. I don't want to turn this into a religious thread. But fucking religion has so much to answer for.. for our misery. In some way. All the death and wars and famine are primarily religion based. Or just pure greed and corruption. Something has to break soon.

So morbidly a part of me wants to stay alive. I made it to 44. I want to see what's coming. And it's coming soon. Probably just more death and destruction. But maybe some intervention.

I am not religious. But something created this beautiful chaos. I hate myself. My past. My present. My self esteem is zero and I sure as shit am unable. To work again mentally and physically. It's a never ending mental breakdown each day.

But let's hang in and see. Maybe? I dunno. Might as well.

I am ordering SN soon though. Next week in fact. And having that will give me the finality and calm I need to go ahead with my plan. When I choose.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Lately I've been doing really, really badly. Just letting myself go completely and getting fat again. I always feel like I have a light/moderate headache because of how horrifically depressed I am all the time. My mom's super depressed as well, but wants to try and go to the gym and do other things, but I'm too depressed and disinterested to even step out the door. I just want to LDAR and eat muffins all day instead. I'm all she's got though, since she has no friends or anyone else in her life at all. It's the type of disastrous dynamic where when I say I'm too depressed to do anything, then she's too depressed to do anything either. I feel responsible for the fact that I'm just dragging her down with me and putting her health at risk. I just wish she had a life of her own, and I could just freely self-destruct by myself without it leading to her being left to do the same as well.

Exercise never really did much for me, even during those years where I did it consistently and took it seriously, and I've since returned to unhealthy habits because I couldn't be bothered to keep doing something that barely gave me anything in return. In my case, it never improved my mood and was always a mind numbingly tedious/boring hassle to do. My mom's been trying lately to get the both of us to the gym, but I'm too depressed and indifferent to oblige her. I should be doing it for her sake, since she's not very healthy and at her age it's very important to take one's health seriously, but I'm too fucked up and dead inside to motivate myself to do anything. If anything happens in the future to jeopardize her health, I can imagine that I'll be blaming myself pretty hard for my current lack of involvement. Not that realizing that is doing anything to change my behavior. I'm just completely fucking hopeless.

There's an extremely morbid atmosphere that permeates everything around here, in terms of the two of us just enduring our utterly miserable lives and waiting to die. Been that way for at least 15 years now. My dad also literally rotted away before our eyes to a skeleton on account of ALS and died just this past June, so that definitely added even further to the crushing morbidity of the situation. If extreme misery itself (outside of suicide) were imminently fatal, she and I would've died a thousand times over by this point. The codependency that exists between the two of us, along with her pathetically empty life, has definitely exacerbated my own struggles with the same thing and did a lot to cause/shape my chronically depressed personality and unfixable situation. We're just a couple of corpses rotting away in purgatory, where time itself literally has no meaning beyond being the fire that's slowly scorching away what's left of our damaged minds and terrible lives.

I can only imagine. It sounds excruciating.

I can relate to SO much of this.

My current situation I have become a carer for my 83yr old friend. Since the pandemic he has gone into dementia... Has spinal stenosis .. spondylitis. I am trying to enable him. But he doesn't really want to.

He is ready to die. I have lived with this man for 15 years and as I look back I realise he never wanted to live. He just sucked the life from me. Making me make decisions. He can't t do anything Pro active..he just wants to sweep leaves.

I am so fucking unwell. In hell.

I am trying to keep a man alive yet we both want to die. He is doing nothing to make me want to live. I have come off Facebook. I am isolating completely... Yet I saw an old friend to watch DUNE two days ago. That felt GOOD.

I can't get out of this situation. I owe my 83yr friend help. Help to care. But I can't care about myself.

This leaves me two options. Leave before him so he can get care. Which will be better I think as I know him too well. He has become used for me doing things for him now. He is making zero effort and I don't know of it's his dementia (not diagnosed officially) or he is being stubborn and taking the piss our of me a bit.

It's an unhealthy situation. Like you .. I feel the air thick with madness. It's so think with crazy. Two crazy people waiting to die.

I am always the Pro active one. Looks like I have to leave first. He doesn't take 'risks'.. so he will probably die slowly. I think he has 'lewy body dementia' too which is a horrible way to go. But the doctors can only do so much. I can only do so much.

Any mental strength I have left goes towards cooking and a little cleaning here. And eating .. I am alcoholic yet sober now. I am eating alcoholically .. eating myself to death. My blood pressure is thru the roof too. Hell on Earth.

Hell does exist. I visited a few times. Its in us. Our minds. On Earth.

Sounds truly hellacious

 

[Suicidebydeath]

People criticising you for trying to live healthy and long and giving your 100%, instead of giving you support? Sends you back into depression.
Depression and the slow route to death. Ironically, you will face criticism even though dying is now the point.
You need peace to get better and dying also gives you peace so either way, I hope you find peace.