Venting Coming to terms with the finality of death

[Pure]

I know many people take comfort in the idea of in the finality of death as an escape for whatever issue they're facing in life, but I'm still struggling with that concept. For me, I'm too much stuck in the "now" and seeing the after effects of people who succeeded in their own attempts. I guess I have a massive ego or my survival instinct is great. The transition from "this is my life and this is what I imagine for the future" to "this person is now another number and the rest of the world will move on as if she never existed" is hard to come to terms with for me. I don't have a belief in an afterlife strong enough to make me fully believe that life post death is chilling in heaven or reincarnation that would make me feel comfortable now with ctbing. But I don't have the same sense of peace with the finality of death. But I'm fucking feeling awful in my real life enough to rather consider dying. I'm stuck in this awful in between of not fully recovering which I don't even think it's possible for me to even be happy or just fucking going through with dying. I wish somebody who's neutral on suicide would just evaluate my life (and had a fortune telling orb to tell me my future) tell me what to do.

 

[Busticket]

I know many people take comfort in the idea of in the finality of death as an escape for whatever issue they're facing in life, but I'm still struggling with that concept. For me, I'm too much stuck in the "now" and seeing the after effects of people who succeeded in their own attempts. I guess I have a massive ego or my survival instinct is great. The transition from "this is my life and this is what I imagine for the future" to "this person is now another number and the rest of the world will move on as if she never existed" is hard to come to terms with for me. I don't have a belief in an afterlife strong enough to make me fully believe that life post death is chilling in heaven or reincarnation that would make me feel comfortable now with ctbing. But I don't have the same sense of peace with the finality of death. But I'm fucking feeling awful in my real life enough to rather consider dying. I'm stuck in this awful in between of not fully recovering which I don't even think it's possible for me to even be happy or just fucking going through with dying. I wish somebody who's neutral on suicide would just evaluate my life (and had a fortune telling orb to tell me my future) tell me what to do.

I know what you mean.
I feel the same.

 

[Bullit]

Ditto.

 

[motel rooms]

You're not desperate enough. Maybe you never will be

 

[Pure]

You're not desperate enough. Maybe you never will be

ehh. Levels of desperation isnt the main factor for many people who want to/have kill/killed themselves.

 

[motel rooms]

ehh. Levels of desperation isnt the main factor for many people who want to/have kill/killed themselves.

Yes, the overwhelming level of physical &/or psychological suffering leading to utter despair is the main factor. Philosophy has very little to do with why people ctb

 

[Birthinjune]

I know many people take comfort in the idea of in the finality of death as an escape for whatever issue they're facing in life, but I'm still struggling with that concept. For me, I'm too much stuck in the "now" and seeing the after effects of people who succeeded in their own attempts. I guess I have a massive ego or my survival instinct is great. The transition from "this is my life and this is what I imagine for the future" to "this person is now another number and the rest of the world will move on as if she never existed" is hard to come to terms with for me. I don't have a belief in an afterlife strong enough to make me fully believe that life post death is chilling in heaven or reincarnation that would make me feel comfortable now with ctbing. But I don't have the same sense of peace with the finality of death. But I'm fucking feeling awful in my real life enough to rather consider dying. I'm stuck in this awful in between of not fully recovering which I don't even think it's possible for me to even be happy or just fucking going through with dying. I wish somebody who's neutral on suicide would just evaluate my life (and had a fortune telling orb to tell me my future) tell me what to do.

I don't find comfort there either. I'm suicidal because the person closest to me committed suicide. I know that me dying would fuck people up. Maybe not as much as I am. But it's something to come to terms with that you'll be doing that to someone, maybe that can only be understood if you've personally experienced that kind of loss.
As far as afterlife, I don't find comfort there either. I'm spiritual, not religious, it is always an unknown. You can't find comfort that there's nothing after death. You don't know.
Maybe the comfort comes with there can't be anything worse than this. And that you couldn't be possibly hurting someone more than you are hurting now.
It sounds that if you still have hope for recovery it is possible. Try every means to get better if you can

 

[Pure]

Yes, the overwhelming level of physical &/or psychological suffering leading to utter despair is the main factor. Philosophy has very little to do with why people ctb

I disagree. If levels of visceral despair were the main reason for everyone (or even most people), then we'd be seeing more impulsive suicides versus people who methodically plan everything and do whatever rituals that make them feel good (no matter how temporary the feeling is). A site like ss wouldn't even exist because everyone would just jump off the highest point in their area the moment they realized that they were at their highest level of despair that they've felt. There's a reason why one of the warning signs of somebody planning on suicide is sudden change towards a happier mood. Personally, the one time I actually tried to off myself, I had less levels of despair in that moment versus how I feel now or other times in my lowest points. I think uncertainty or hopelessness about a person's future and the fear of returning to their previous major depressive state also plays a big role for a lot people vs sheer visceral despair. Most people don't want to live feeling completely empty inside any less that they'd want to live with despair.

I don't find comfort there either. I'm suicidal because the person closest to me committed suicide. I know that me dying would fuck people up. Maybe not as much as I am. But it's something to come to terms with that you'll be doing that to someone, maybe that can only be understood if you've personally experienced that kind of loss.
As far as afterlife, I don't find comfort there either. I'm spiritual, not religious, it is always an unknown. You can't find comfort that there's nothing after death. You don't know.
Maybe the comfort comes with there can't be anything worse than this. And that you couldn't be possibly hurting someone more than you are hurting now.
It sounds that if you still have hope for recovery it is possible. Try every means to get better if you can

I guess it just goes back to the age of question of "why do people kill themselves"...people have written entire books on the subject and there's no full consensus.

I mean, I can hope for recovery the same way I can hope to win the mega lottery or that the world collectively decides to end climate change but while I can hope for anything possible, it doesn't mean I can expect it or that there's even a chance of it happening.

I fee like I've tried every conventional means. I've had therapy, psychiatrists, etc but I still found my way to this space. Plus, I have to be careful about how I'd even recover, it sucks majorly but with the field I'm in, even the use of something as simple as anti-depressants (not even to talk of a history of chronic suicidality) could ruin your entire career. So I feel like it's an all or nothing for me lol

 

[motel rooms]

There's a reason why one of the warning signs of somebody planning on suicide is sudden change towards a happier mood.

The reason for that, as every expert will tell you, is the fact that the person is relieved because they feel they've found a solution to their problem(s).

I think uncertainty or hopelessness about a person's future and the fear of returning to their previous major depressive state also plays a big role for a lot people vs sheer visceral despair. Most people don't want to live feeling completely empty inside any less that they'd want to live with despair.

You say tomAYto, I say tomAHto.
"uncertainty or hopelessness about a person's future and the fear of returning to their previous major depressive state" & "feeling completely empty inside"= (suffering leading to) despair

There's no reason to complicate things. There's no reason to speak of some special "visceral despair".
Physical &/or psychological suffering leads to despair. Suffering is suffering, despair is despair.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

You're already a number, people already go on as if you don't exist. Nothing changes if we go, that's the vastness of the world. In the grand scheme of things, humans only mean something when they are part of something bigger.

The people who will be hurt when you go would also be hurt if you stopped being their friend or slapped them across the face or whatever. Maybe if you ctb, you would miss out on a lot of things. But when you have a mental illness severe enough to seriously contemplate suicide, there's a chance you wouldn't have ended up in those situations anyways. That's a gamble you gotta be ok with making.

No one could tell you whether you're making the wrong choice or not, or if you're ready or not. There's always a reason not to do it. It's a choice you make by yourself, for yourself. Only you can determine when enough is enough, and if ctb is worth it in your circumstance.

Are you in a country where your employers can see your medical records? Or do you work in the USA in a government job such as the military or politics? Taking anti-depressants doesn't ruin your career. No one needs to know about it. Most likely the depression and suicide attempt are already doing more harm to your career than getting treatment would.

 

[Pure]

You're already a number, people already go on as if you don't exist. Nothing changes if we go, that's the vastness of the world. In the grand scheme of things, humans only mean something when they are part of something bigger.

The people who will be hurt when you go would also be hurt if you stopped being their friend or slapped them across the face or whatever. Maybe if you ctb, you would miss out on a lot of things. But when you have a mental illness severe enough to seriously contemplate suicide, there's a chance you wouldn't have ended up in those situations anyways. That's a gamble you gotta be ok with making.

No one could tell you whether you're making the wrong choice or not, or if you're ready or not. There's always a reason not to do it. It's a choice you make by yourself, for yourself. Only you can determine when enough is enough, and if ctb is worth it in your circumstance.

Are you in a country where your employers can see your medical records? Or do you work in the USA in a government job such as the military or politics? Taking anti-depressants doesn't ruin your career. No one needs to know about it. Most likely the depression and suicide attempt are already doing more harm to your career than getting treatment would.

I really like this response. I think what I want is the power of God to be able to see into the future lol, it's completely unrealistic. I already lost out on friendships and experiences from the fact I'm a barely functioning zombie. Which is one of the reasons I'm contemplating ctb because I feel like it's gonna be a life long issue and I don't want to be in the position in the future where I'm just upset that I didn't ctb in the past like I do already.

And as for my field, it's medicine. Lots of stigma irt mental health. It's getting slightly better since millennials hitting the market are all depressed themselves but overall mental health issues is still pretty stigmatized and can affect a person's career negatively.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I really like this response. I think what I want is the power of God to be able to see into the future lol, it's completely unrealistic.

And as for my field, it's medicine. Lots of stigma irt mental health. It's getting slightly better since millennials hitting the market are all depressed themselves but overall mental health issues is still pretty stigmatized and can affect a person's career negatively.

Oh I see, that makes more sense! From your username I thought you were in finance, thats the one career I could think of where appearances matter, and using anti-depressants could be really scandalous even though it's nobody's business. It's crazy how the stigma against mental illness is still so strong in medicine even when they treat patients who have it, and when people in healthcare have some of the highest suicide rates of any profession. Do your employers/coworkers have a way of figuring out the details about your treatment?

I have a really bad case of social anxiety, I wouldn't dare to bring up my diagnosis or treatment at work or school. But leaving it untreated has caused me much more embarrassment and stress since it's so bad that it's obvious that something's wrong with me. If you're in that kind of situation, then fuck it, just get the help you need. Meds could be what you need to gain the strength and courage to advance your career and be a better professional.

I try to see it like getting glasses. Maybe you can function just fine without them, but you're still kinda blind and bump into things a lot and mix up forms and stuff. People may judge you when you get glasses, because your glasses look silly. Maybe you get fired because your boss doesn't want someone who needs glasses to do their job. But in the end, you can see, and that means you don't bump into stuff anymore. You get things right the first time, and overall you feel better and live better. You get a better job, do better there, and you're happier because you can finally see when your glasses are on.

 

[Pure]

Oh I see, that makes more sense! From your username I thought you were in finance, thats the one career I could think of where appearances matter, and using anti-depressants could be really scandalous even though it's nobody's business. It's crazy how the stigma against mental illness is still so strong in medicine even when they treat patients who have it, and when people in healthcare have some of the highest suicide rates of any profession. Do your employers/coworkers have a way of figuring out the details about your treatment?

I have a really bad case of social anxiety, I wouldn't dare to bring up my diagnosis or treatment at work or school. But leaving it untreated has caused me much more embarrassment and stress since it's so bad that it's obvious that something's wrong with me. If you're in that kind of situation, then fuck it, just get the help you need. Meds could be what you need to gain the strength and courage to advance your career and be a better professional.

I try to see it like getting glasses. Maybe you can function just fine without them, but you're still kinda blind and bump into things a lot and mix up forms and stuff. People may judge you when you get glasses, because your glasses look silly. Maybe you get fired because your boss doesn't want someone who needs glasses to do their job. But in the end, you can see, and that means you don't bump into stuff anymore. You get things right the first time, and overall you feel better and live better. You get a better job, do better there, and you're happier because you can finally see when your glasses are on.

Lol my username came from a random generator.

I actually was on ssris for a few years but got off of it recently because I think it was making me more miserable

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable. Personally the thought of not existing does comfort me. However as humans existence is all we know, the way we have evolved we are programmed to survive and live, and the fact that we will one day no longer exist can be hard to come to terms with. Death is also the unknown as well.

 

[ncmxm]

I know what you mean.
I feel the same.

Same here

 

[Anonymous 4]

I know many people take comfort in the idea of in the finality of death as an escape for whatever issue they're facing in life, but I'm still struggling with that concept. For me, I'm too much stuck in the "now" and seeing the after effects of people who succeeded in their own attempts. I guess I have a massive ego or my survival instinct is great. The transition from "this is my life and this is what I imagine for the future" to "this person is now another number and the rest of the world will move on as if she never existed" is hard to come to terms with for me. I don't have a belief in an afterlife strong enough to make me fully believe that life post death is chilling in heaven or reincarnation that would make me feel comfortable now with ctbing. But I don't have the same sense of peace with the finality of death. But I'm fucking feeling awful in my real life enough to rather consider dying. I'm stuck in this awful in between of not fully recovering which I don't even think it's possible for me to even be happy or just fucking going through with dying. I wish somebody who's neutral on suicide would just evaluate my life (and had a fortune telling orb to tell me my future) tell me what to do.

I relate to some of this, the thought that once I'm gone the world will just go, i put this down to the ego like you mentioned, its gotta be the ego side of the mind doing what it dose in a attempt to survive, not to get this mistaken with SI.
The mind has has countless years of being programmed to survive, to break passed this takes a lot, for me N is the only solution, SI has kicked in twice for me so far, being unconscious and not having to deal with it for me, is the only way. And I'm sure it'll be the same for most people