Venting Coming to terms with my illness

[willitpass]

I'm doing so well right now with my suicidal thoughts, I haven't wanted to actively die in a few months. I have never been doing this well with my suicidal thoughts. I've still had depressive episodes though, including with self-harm urges. But lately my biggest battle has been my eating disorder returning. I'm not actively engaging in too many behaviors, but the thoughts are very strong and I've caved into them a few times so it wouldn't surprise me if I fully relapse this year.

But today I've been thinking, one of these days my mental illnesses will kill me. I've known this for about 10 years now so it isn't a surprise, though I've always thought it would be suicide and never considered my eating disorder, though today I'm realizing that may be a possibility if I continue down this road. It's just hitting me how sad that is today, because mentally I've been doing well these past few months other than my eating disorder. I've been happy, I've been getting out, I've started seeing someone, I love my job and hope to return to school soon. I have so many plans for myself. But I know I will never make it to old age and I know (unless some accident happens) that I will be the cause of my own death. I won't get to accomplish all of the things I would love to. I won't have kids despite desperately wanting them since I was a child. I won't have a full, happy life. And that's sad. It's sad what mental illness has robbed me of.

And I've tried everything to treat it, eve red medication under the book, multiple intensive therapy programs, several inpatient stays, and a residential. I even tried ECT. The only treatment I haven't tried is Ketamine therapy, which I'm open to but I will wait until I am having a severe suicidal relapse because I'm currently stable enough in regular talk therapy that I don't want to mess with things. I just wish I didn't have to be terminal.

 

[thrutrekfinaly]

Never heard of ketamine till now in your post. Sound very interesting. I'd be open to try it too. I do applaud you in recognizing your faults and also recognizing the positive strides and attempts you've made in your life. I can tell your s real strong person and I hope life gets a bit better for you.

 

[Hotsackage]

i know this isnt much help, but the universe will end one day so will your life. nothing will last, time keeps moving forward, its not our fault were in this mess, nothing will escape dark energy,

 

[willitpass]

i know this isnt much help, but the universe will end one day so will your life. nothing will last, time keeps moving forward, its not our fault were in this mess, nothing will escape dark energy,

That is true, and I've had a couple of near death attempts where my heart stopped and I simply ceased to exist, no lights or thought or consciousness, which to me is consoling. But while I am here and conscious, I wish I could enjoy it more. If I weren't mentally ill I could live a fulfilling life until external factors decided it was the end. It just is unfortunate that my own mental turmoil will end me. It would be nice to die happy

 

[Hotsackage]

i know me to, i could have been a singer, in a band, had a wife kids etc. but we are just unlucky. hopefully you get that peaceful passing, you deserve.