Story coming back here after 7 months

[ambivalent_thespian]

a while ago, I posted a thread while in a complete mental breakdown. I was desperately searching for a way out after learning that an adult I trusted was systematically exploiting and abusing my peers (I was 18 and in high school at the time).

My high school theater teacher/ director formed codependent relationships with her top performing students. I'd like to be limited in what I reveal here, but she's been accused of physical and sexual abuse. It hasn't made its way to the courts yet. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, I experienced the codependency, but not the abuse. The traumatic part of this event was when the school expected the aforementioned 'top performers' to pick up the shattered pieces of our performing arts program, without giving us any closure or support.

I had a support system, but they were also dealing with the fallout. And the codependency had isolated me from my friends outside of the program. I felt like I was unable to relate to anyone else anymore.

So I posted in November. Asking for the best bridge to jump off of. I received my answer, but in my precarious mental state I hadn't realized how much personal info I was giving away. The thread was taken down, and I was talked down by a complete stranger. On the website about suicide, someone saw something in me that was worth saving.

And here we are 7 months later. This is where I tell you that I received counseling, found a reason to stay alive, and everything is better now.


Except that's not how it worked out. I never found it in me to seek counseling. I'm still very much depressed. Just today I had a panic attack when someone asked me about high school theatre. I couldn't graduate high school on time bc I was too wrapped up in my head for the duration of the year.

But there was a day in February when I sat down with an old friend. I vaguely summarized my experience, and he said he was grateful I was still alive.

It made a world of difference, having someone I cared about that much saying that they were thankful to have me here. And it wasn't some massive explosive discussion of feelings. No pity, no empty positivity. Just, connection.

Granted, we were there for an entirely different reason and we moved on quickly. But *I'm* glad that it happened. And on that day, he gave me closure over everything that happened during high school. It was an 8 hour affair even.


I was right when I said things could never be the same again. I'm never going to get back my last year of high school. I still crave that emotional addiction and the good days she would have. But I'm trying to not let this experience define my entire life. I'm okay with being fucked up forever, but I will not let her be the thing that ruined me. It no longer feels as overwhelming as it once did. I was able to get into college and I'm still pursuing a theatrical degree.

The best part is, I can tell myself that if I survived working under this director, I can survive working under anyone.

So yeah I just wanted to share a more realistic story. I'm not fully better, I don't think I ever will be. But I didn't fall from a bridge last autumn and I don't regret it. Thanks for reading this far if you have.

I hope you have the most lovely day/night.

 

[nohopeforrope]

a while ago, I posted a thread while in a complete mental breakdown. I was desperately searching for a way out after learning that an adult I trusted was systematically exploiting and abusing my peers (I was 18 and in high school at the time).

My high school theater teacher/ director formed codependent relationships with her top performing students. I'd like to be limited in what I reveal here, but she's been accused of physical and sexual abuse. It hasn't made its way to the courts yet. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, I experienced the codependency, but not the abuse. The traumatic part of this event was when the school expected the aforementioned 'top performers' to pick up the shattered pieces of our performing arts program, without giving us any closure or support.

I had a support system, but they were also dealing with the fallout. And the codependency had isolated me from my friends outside of the program. I felt like I was unable to relate to anyone else anymore.

So I posted in November. Asking for the best bridge to jump off of. I received my answer, but in my precarious mental state I hadn't realized how much personal info I was giving away. The thread was taken down, and I was talked down by a complete stranger. On the website about suicide, someone saw something in me that was worth saving.

And here we are 7 months later. This is where I tell you that I received counseling, found a reason to stay alive, and everything is better now.


Except that's not how it worked out. I never found it in me to seek counseling. I'm still very much depressed. Just today I had a panic attack when someone asked me about high school theatre. I couldn't graduate high school on time bc I was too wrapped up in my head for the duration of the year.

But there was a day in February when I sat down with an old friend. I vaguely summarized my experience, and he said he was grateful I was still alive.

It made a world of difference, having someone I cared about that much saying that they were thankful to have me here. And it wasn't some massive explosive discussion of feelings. No pity, no empty positivity. Just, connection.

Granted, we were there for an entirely different reason and we moved on quickly. But *I'm* glad that it happened. And on that day, he gave me closure over everything that happened during high school. It was an 8 hour affair even.


I was right when I said things could never be the same again. I'm never going to get back my last year of high school. I still crave that emotional addiction and the good days she would have. But I'm trying to not let this experience define my entire life. I'm okay with being fucked up forever, but I will not let her be the thing that ruined me. It no longer feels as overwhelming as it once did. I was able to get into college and I'm still pursuing a theatrical degree.

The best part is, I can tell myself that if I survived working under this director, I can survive working under anyone.

So yeah I just wanted to share a more realistic story. I'm not fully better, I don't think I ever will be. But I didn't fall from a bridge last autumn and I don't regret it. Thanks for reading this far if you have.

I hope you have the most lovely day/night.

I was here about 1 year ago too, I think that's something "good" in terms that you recognize that something is happening. Your story is a trophy, be proud of it because is hard to win the urge to give up everything. Your testemonial can help a lot of people here to keep looking for help before taking part of highly risky choices. As the other used said, maybe your post wouldnt be replied as it should, but it's not personal, we're doomed and tired and most of time we're trying to close this existence as fast as we can, but you're the winner because you fight back and you're alive. You fought bravely. Most of us are fighting and losing a new round every day.