Hello
I am a new member but have observed this site for about a year. I have been suicidal since about 2013 though through some of those years since then suicide seemed a lot simpler and less complicated, back then I used to have strong urges to jump into rivers nearby where I live. I dislike the word 'lonely', there's always something I found quite loaded about it, as if people use it as a way to take a shot at someone 'hahaha you're so lonely, you'll die alone and no one will ever love you' but I guess I would admit I am a deeply isolated person despite my best attempts to get with people all my life, despite being somewhat gregarious, in school I had the ability to amuse people and make people laugh to some extent, though maybe in retrospect that was more of curse than a blessing and was just a reflection of how much of an excluded loser I was. I was always independent to some extent, not independent to the extent where I tried to take on the world or the system or impose world peace on everyone (although I did prefer when people got along, I guess when you're not comfortable with where you are and you're not making the breakthroughs with people that enable you to feel secure and comfortable any kind of tension will get to you, who knows). All I know is where I am and how I have turned. I have turned out into nothing. I was surrounded by cliques. The internet in itself is one overwhelming supreme clique, Facebook Reddit Instagram Tinder Snapchat TikTok exist to reinforce cliques and despite my best attempts, despite my sheer efforts to get to a place of comfort, just to be able to develop some kind of life where I could really start to get things like work going, I couldn't. I think I came as close as I could get and then I messed up when I dropped out of university, being knocked on this when you never really figured it out, never developed it and am now at the point where you can never really get it going has left me on the scrapheap. I am a nervous wreck every day. If I was sectioned indefinitely for a year that may readjust me to some extent, although that will never happen, I have nothing serious like bipolar or schizophrenia. At best I get dismissed as autistic or neurodiverse, neither of which apply to me despite their best attempts. So where does that leave me now? In a house stockpiling meds and various other things, trying to get into the right setting to die. Diazepam, promethazine, chloroquine, xanax, SN, anti vomiting drugs, these are my options. Would even douse myself in petrol and set myself on fire if things got that bad. I am not comfortable with hanging, although it sadly is the leading cause of suicide and is probably the most fool-proof method. I'm struggling to see options, I'm struggling to see what I can do but I am as serious and as fanatical about this as you can get, when you are reduced to an embarrassment in life, when you make yourself look like a nutter in clubs over 10+ years when everyone your age has moved on and has settled down in life, when you can't stop shouting in public without police getting involved, when police and ambulance do welfare checks on you to the extent you have lost count, when you have been to A and E so many times staff actually recognise you, when you have essentially absolutely unequivocally and beyond any redemption have destroyed yourself, your name, your image and any kind of normality and dignity in yourself as a human being, when people either avoid you by instinct or just throw the hardest slurs at you to the extent where you just have to leave for good, what else can you do other than top yourself? This is my life, this is my story, my situation. For now I will eat a pizza, despite my fading interest in food and drink but maybe this site can direct me and refine me into something clearer, as fanatic as I am about doing this I don't know to make the jump, when I tried in 2022 it was more 'try it and see if you end up dead or alive', this time I want it to be 'I want to do it and it fucking works, no comeback no unfortunate slipups no setbacks just forward into death'. Thank you for reading my story.
I am a new member but have observed this site for about a year. I have been suicidal since about 2013 though through some of those years since then suicide seemed a lot simpler and less complicated, back then I used to have strong urges to jump into rivers nearby where I live. I dislike the word 'lonely', there's always something I found quite loaded about it, as if people use it as a way to take a shot at someone 'hahaha you're so lonely, you'll die alone and no one will ever love you' but I guess I would admit I am a deeply isolated person despite my best attempts to get with people all my life, despite being somewhat gregarious, in school I had the ability to amuse people and make people laugh to some extent, though maybe in retrospect that was more of curse than a blessing and was just a reflection of how much of an excluded loser I was. I was always independent to some extent, not independent to the extent where I tried to take on the world or the system or impose world peace on everyone (although I did prefer when people got along, I guess when you're not comfortable with where you are and you're not making the breakthroughs with people that enable you to feel secure and comfortable any kind of tension will get to you, who knows). All I know is where I am and how I have turned. I have turned out into nothing. I was surrounded by cliques. The internet in itself is one overwhelming supreme clique, Facebook Reddit Instagram Tinder Snapchat TikTok exist to reinforce cliques and despite my best attempts, despite my sheer efforts to get to a place of comfort, just to be able to develop some kind of life where I could really start to get things like work going, I couldn't. I think I came as close as I could get and then I messed up when I dropped out of university, being knocked on this when you never really figured it out, never developed it and am now at the point where you can never really get it going has left me on the scrapheap. I am a nervous wreck every day. If I was sectioned indefinitely for a year that may readjust me to some extent, although that will never happen, I have nothing serious like bipolar or schizophrenia. At best I get dismissed as autistic or neurodiverse, neither of which apply to me despite their best attempts. So where does that leave me now? In a house stockpiling meds and various other things, trying to get into the right setting to die. Diazepam, promethazine, chloroquine, xanax, SN, anti vomiting drugs, these are my options. Would even douse myself in petrol and set myself on fire if things got that bad. I am not comfortable with hanging, although it sadly is the leading cause of suicide and is probably the most fool-proof method. I'm struggling to see options, I'm struggling to see what I can do but I am as serious and as fanatical about this as you can get, when you are reduced to an embarrassment in life, when you make yourself look like a nutter in clubs over 10+ years when everyone your age has moved on and has settled down in life, when you can't stop shouting in public without police getting involved, when police and ambulance do welfare checks on you to the extent you have lost count, when you have been to A and E so many times staff actually recognise you, when you have essentially absolutely unequivocally and beyond any redemption have destroyed yourself, your name, your image and any kind of normality and dignity in yourself as a human being, when people either avoid you by instinct or just throw the hardest slurs at you to the extent where you just have to leave for good, what else can you do other than top yourself? This is my life, this is my story, my situation. For now I will eat a pizza, despite my fading interest in food and drink but maybe this site can direct me and refine me into something clearer, as fanatic as I am about doing this I don't know to make the jump, when I tried in 2022 it was more 'try it and see if you end up dead or alive', this time I want it to be 'I want to do it and it fucking works, no comeback no unfortunate slipups no setbacks just forward into death'. Thank you for reading my story.
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