Help College or Leaving with hometown with not much money or Do I even try

[CatAstro.Fee]

TLDR; College has people that make me act different bc of anxiety and make me depressed, but good friends at college, but dont wanna do schoolwork, want time to focus on creative dream, could network and meet the right people, if I dont go, I have to help pay rent and get stuck paying rent forever with parents in shitty town, I could also run away from everything just don't know where, maybe even to europe or canada..? Considering europe because a little cheaper, better social services and healthcare. Should I just do what I want because I feel hopelessness in the state of the world and US.
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I have parents that have lied to me my whole life. Father believes in the lie of working hard, despite being stuck in the same spot for years. He has had successful small businesses I give him that, a long with small investments, but they have all flopped or aren't consistent in gaining money.

Anyhow, he has taken my money because of this, to invest in things. He still hasn't paid me back despite promising. I don't even remember the amount, more than a thousand...my mother has taken my money too, I sell things online and she has taken so much or only gives half.

I felt guilty for a long time because they struggle to pay rent, both are freelancers (no job, work side gigs/their own business) and it is admirable and can work out but in my case it has only made things very stressful for us and it sucks, I don't believe in anyone having a 9-5 job, or in general if someone doesn't want to work, wants to do creativities, I think that is their right. But of course we've been robbed by the rich, forced to work just to exist.

I have college to go to. But I've been going back and forth if I should. There's familiar faces that I already get major anxiety around (pit in stomach, can't breathe, etc) because they were my highschool bullies (physically attacked me, manipulates, sexually assaulted someone), I don't want to hear who my ex sleeps with (I already heard so much drama at my short time staying at college so I figured I'm bound to hear something I don't want to), I don't want to talk to who they've slept with, I don't want to be near the bully.

The socializing I can somewhat do but it gets tiring especially when I frequently meet people who have shitty stances (saying n word but not black, gets mad at me for having boundaries..) but I'm used to being alone anyway so I can always find a way to leave when I need. School work...ha. I did bad in school since forever, most of the time I understand the subject or know what to do, it's just not my priority.

On the bright side, I romanticized my depression so much that I think I could get by doing that and doing good things for myself, and I know some people at the college already that seem genuine, so I could hangout, have a shoulder.

I really want to focus on my dream, I'm worried school responsibilities and studying will prevent me from doing so. I seriously regret wasting so much time I did as a kid, it's absurd. My only hope is to meet people as crazy as me and willing to take the chances I want to, make connections in the creative industry..

I ended up screaming intensely at my parents because they told me if I don't go, they want me to help pay rent. If I do that, I'm going to end up stuck like them, paying forever, barely having savings, no no no, they've already taken too much from me, I refuse to become like them. I don't know what to do. I knew I would have to leave at some point, I just didn't think it'd be so soon. I don't really have a plan. Just general ideas. I was thinking I might have to be homeless for a bit, even leaving the states entirely.

I do want a car, so I think that's something to do. Better than fully homeless + I enjoy going places. Not sure if it's worth staying in the states though. Or doing anything I don't want to at all. I don't have much hope for the future, in reference to the climate temperatures, rise in bigotry, government surveillence and people being taken. It's scaring me hearing about people not having much water because of AI centers using it up...so this is my issue;

Do I even try. What do I even do at this point. Do I go to college or leave with not much money.

 

[trying ungracefully]

It's a hard decision that you can only really know for yourself. It sounds stupid but I like to flip a coin when faced with two decisions because my reaction sometimes tells me which one I want more.

I do think college is better. I know it is hard asl to do college/school work (I can't even go myself) but it is always good to practice hard things because when faced with some other harder challenges to already have the skills to be good with it and think about your priorities in life. College has the ability to advance you further than what leaving without much money would. You do have a chance for success with the other path obviously but it is a harder road to take in my opinion. You have seen your parents steal from you because they are unsuccessful themselves with freelance, another hard road to take. If stuck paying rent you said you would become like them, so why risk that?

You can focus on creativity and school you need to find a balance though and work it around your classes and school work. It's hard but it is what you can do to have both in life.

But it's up to you. Think about the pros and cons of both and compare them to your wants and priorities. List out your priorities. If you have none think about what you want better.

 

[CatAstro.Fee]

It's a hard decision that you can only really know for yourself. It sounds stupid but I like to flip a coin when faced with two decisions because my reaction sometimes tells me which one I want more.

I do think college is better. I know it is hard asl to do college/school work (I can't even go myself) but it is always good to practice hard things because when faced with some other harder challenges to already have the skills to be good with it and think about your priorities in life. College has the ability to advance you further than what leaving without much money would. You do have a chance for success with the other path obviously but it is a harder road to take in my opinion. You have seen your parents steal from you because they are unsuccessful themselves with freelance, another hard road to take. If stuck paying rent you said you would become like them, so why risk that?

You can focus on creativity and school you need to find a balance though and work it around your classes and school work. It's hard but it is what you can do to have both in life.

But it's up to you. Think about the pros and cons of both and compare them to your wants and priorities. List out your priorities. If you have none think about what you want better.

Thank you so much. Honestly, my desire for connection is stronger, and just wanting to be me again. I keep thinking one thing "If I was healthy, in the right mind, my old self, what would I do? I would go." So I'm going. Arrival is today. Thanks so much.