Cognitive problems making planning attempt impossible

[heylightiforgot]

I admit this is partly just about avoiding the reality of CTB, but my cognitive problems and home situation are making any kind of attempt impossible. I feel like I'm stuck in groundhog day, just looping around endlessly and never making any kind of decision. This is partly due to some presumed brain damage from my illness, stress etc., and has also been massively compounded by benzo use, and the fact that my home environment is so intensely claustrophobic. On top of that, I have OCD. My brain is a mess. I can never think straight. I so desperately don't want to die, but I have to because otherwise I'm going to end up in a psych ward and I have to make some kind of decision soon.

Basically, I live at home with my parents and two brothers. My own sleep schedule is approx. 3pm to 5/6am. My mom works from home, running a daycare, so she is here Monday to Thursday, and then both my parents will come/go during the day over the weekend. During weekdays, my mom knows I struggle with the noise, so I can play white noise in my room as loudly as I want, but as a test, I've made fake vomiting sounds and she still ran up/heard me. Over the weekend, I can't really play any noise because it bothers my family.

I have SN, meto and enough benzos to last me until about Tuesday/Wednesday in terms of sleep, and then 10 Valium which I thought might ease the anxiety of attempting. I can't physically get to another location, and eating/fasting/my health etc. often leaves me really weak and incapacitated over the course of the day. I do get a little bit of extra energy at night right before bed.

So because I don't know what my parents' whereabouts would be over the weekend, I feel like my only option is to try Monday or Tuesday during the day while I'm in bed. Doing it in bed makes it a little easier because if I react negatively to the AE's or anything, I can just relax for an hour. The downside is that if anything goes wrong, it will be a huge fucking disaster because of my mom's work (even though she is evil and has ruined my life) and I can't imagine my parents would do anything other than completely disown me.

Alternatively, as I say, I get some extra energy at night when I am getting into bed/ready to eat. But our rooms are so close together and I can't use anything to mask the noise. If I did this, I would end up attempting around 5.30/6am and it seems like that could end up alerting my family.

I just don't know what to do. I know no one can TELL me what to do. But I'm trapped in this maze of endless obsessing and on top of that SN is a method that requires a lot of planning (and is my only option) so it's a true nightmare.

 

[Deltrus]

Is it possible to wait until they go on a vacation? That sounds so sketchy doing it over the weekend when they are there. There is a good chance they will find you.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Is it possible to wait until they go on a vacation? That sounds so sketchy doing it over the weekend when they are there. There is a good chance they will find you.

No :( my health is deteriorating so fast, and they never go away on vacation. I don't know what to do. I have a social worker who visits sometimes, so if I tell my mom she's coming over on Monday or Tuesday and I need some privacy, she'd probably be willing to go out for a couple of hours. But that's it.

 

[Deltrus]

What do you think about doing it at night? As long as you don't move around too much or vomit, you would be undisturbed. You could even tuck some blankets into the sides of the bed really tight so you wont unconsciously move around when you are dying.

I'd like to hear what others think about this, if a person is on an anti emetic regimen would they not vomit/flail and not wake up people in the house?

 

[heylightiforgot]

What do you think about doing it at night? As long as you don't move around too much or vomit, you would be undisturbed. You could even tuck some blankets into the sides of the bed really tight so you wont unconsciously move around when you are dying.

Well because my sleep cycle is reversed and in terms of timing meals/fasting etc., as I say, doing it at night would be about 5.30am (just before I go to bed). I do worry because the walls are so thin (my mom has woken up from me vomiting in the bathroom before), and I wouldn't be able to play any white noise to mask the sounds. So it really is lose/lose :(

If I didn't vomit, then I'd probably have less risk being found during the day because I can play white noise and my mom will be distracted by work.
I'm sorry. I know I'm annoying. I so fucking don't want to die, and I just go round and round in circles -- as I say, I guess to avoid the attempt. But things are only getting more dire.

 

[Deltrus]

You aren't annoying. I want to be as supportive and helpful as I can, that is all I care about.

For night, I was more talking about when your parents sleep. The standard midnight to 6 am. You could find an excuse to keep your white noise generator on during that time. Say it helps you sleep and you are trying to fix your schedule.

It all depends on whether you would puke even with anti emetics. Does that happen often from what you've heard?

If you don't puke and have the blankets tucked in over you, there is an extremely low chance of being found.

 

[heylightiforgot]

You aren't annoying. I want to be as supportive and helpful as I can, that is all I care about.

For night, I was more talking about when your parents sleep. The standard midnight to 6 am. You could find an excuse to keep your white noise generator on during that time. Say it helps you sleep and you are trying to fix your schedule.

It all depends on whether you would puke even with anti emetics. Does that happen often from what you've heard?

The problem is I have to keep to a very strict food schedule because of my illness. It's very difficult to fast. So I eat my first meal at about 9.30pm, but then I have to eat again at midnight to stop my body crashing. I'm told the minimum to fast is about 4 hours, and f I skipped that second meal I might be too weak to attempt properly. The problem as I say, is energy starts to pick up again right before bed at about 5am, but yeah that's close to when they could wake up. And they don't allow me to play the white noise at night because it's too bothersome (our rooms are all right next to each other and the house has very thin walls) :(

The positive of the daytime is because she knows the kids/noise bothers me while I'm in my room, I can play the white noise as loudly as I want.

 

[Deltrus]

Alright. That was my only idea.

Doing it during the day time you will have a chance of them randomly checking on you, you can only hope they don't.

Maybe someone else will have a good idea. Wish you the best.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Alright. That was my only idea.

Doing it during the day time you will have a chance of them randomly checking on you, you can only hope they don't.

Maybe someone else will have a good idea. Wish you the best.

I appreciate the help. My mom technically wouldn't check on me during the day as she expects me to be asleep from 7am to 3pm. Honestly, my life is such a waking nightmare that can't get any worse that I wonder if I should wake up a little earlier and just go for it.

 

[Hunter100]

I appreciate the help. My mom technically wouldn't check on me during the day as she expects me to be asleep from 7am to 3pm. Honestly, my life is such a waking nightmare that can't get any worse that I wonder if I should wake up a little earlier and just go for it.

I feel terrible that you feel this is your only option. May I ask with your health issues are? I also have a TBI and it has caused me a lot of pain, anxiety, confusion and memory problems.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I feel terrible that you feel this is your only option. May I ask with your health issues are? I also have a TBI and it has caused me a lot of pain, anxiety, confusion and memory problems.

Very severe CFS, worsened by years of abuse and a horrible home environment. So now I'm disabled, trapped here and have to figure out how to potentially kms.

 

[Deltrus]

In the first post you said your sleep schedule was "3pm to 5/6am", meaning from afternoon to early morning, I think you meant 5/6 am to 3 pm, early morning until afternoon.

I have CFS too. Not as severe as you. I can get up and do light activity for an hour or so each day. You did a good job getting SN and meto, it must have been hard.

 

[Hunter100]

Very severe CFS, worsened by years of abuse and a horrible home environment. So now I'm disabled, trapped here and have to figure out how to potentially kms.

It sounds like your family is a major part of the problem and why you want to CTB. I am sure your SWorker could help you and get you out of that environment of you talked to them? Are you in the USA?

 

[heylightiforgot]

In the first post you said your sleep schedule was "3pm to 5/6am", meaning from afternoon to early morning, I think you meant 5/6 am to 3 pm, early morning until afternoon.

I have CFS too. Not as severe as you. I can get up and do light activity for an hour or so each day. You did a good job getting SN and meto, it must have been hard.

Yes sorry I meant my waking schedule is 3pm to 6am.

It sounds like your family is a major part of the problem and why you want to CTB. I am sure your SWorker could help you and get you out of that environment of you talked to them? Are you in the USA?

Too late. I'm too ill to look after myself and not a citizen where I live so have no rights. Basically everyone is just trying to dump me in a psych ward.