Clinging to threads

[Red]

Been trying so hard to stay in recovery but feel like I'm utterly failing. Thought that clinging to my wedding/new husband would help change things but of course things returned to normal very quickly after all the excitement. From there my health has taken a downward turn, my son has gotten even more abusive, duplicitous and ungrateful (for he's somehow trying to convince his college that I'm now a "neglectful mother") despite trying my utmost to be as good and supportive as possible despite al the shit he's been throwing at me lately.

Life seems pretty lonely. Unable to participate in anything or keep up any regular contact with anyone for fear of dragging them down, no friends or family upon which to rely.

Feeling deep in the clutches of depression of late and cannot find my way out. Only thinking that I'm in the way, wasting time and resources without being able to contribute enough to justify my presence anywhere.

I don't want to but I hate people, can't bear to be around them as all my experiences have been so awful that I cannot put my trust in anyone for fear of being broken even further just when I need putting back together.

Thoughts of ctb are constantly on my mind. I want to take all my medication, drink a whole litre and a half of vodka, mix up my by now very old packet of SN and just leave. Frightened of causing more trouble doing this than the trouble I cause just by being here, secretly knowing that the short sharp shock of my death must surely be better than this torture of this prolonged pain and useless living in this broken shell and crumbling soul.

Sleeping more in the desperate hope that I just drift off forever, for at least while I'm asleep I'm able to move around and experience whatever fucked up adventure my psyche prepares for me this time.

I'm devastated to be back here and have tried so hard to put it off, posting out of hope in recovery all this time, or just avoiding this place altogether for fear of triggering myself, thinking that one day it might be okay… but it's not.

Maybe I'll keep posting here, maybe today is just particularly dark. But it feels like it's more than a blip, that recovery just isn't the place for me after all. This may be my last post in this section for a while. I hope not but somehow it feels like it might be.

I wosh things were different, that I could really just get a grip and have some control over something, anything. But I fear I'm doomed to be pulled in any direction but the way I wish to go no matter what I do, it just feels inevitable now.

Goodbye recovery. It was nice to be hopeful for a while.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that recovery did not work out. I understand it is hard to carry on when things keep on getting worse. Life really is so depressing. I wish you the best.

 

[forgotten15]

I am very sorry you are suffering.
I understand how you must feel, trough out life I had my "recovery" periods but they never lasted, I always came back to my natural state which is depression and suffering.
I don't want to bring anyone's hopes down but from my experience I feel that once we are this way recovery will always be just a phase. I don't think we will ever be okay or truly change.
I have accepted this and came to peace with the idea I am not meant for life. This is not my place.
I do hope you find something that brings your moral up and please don't let other people from your family hurt you or mistreat you.

 

[Celerity]

I too wonder if I should be posting here in Recovery. A rough patch with my new/old job is making me very frustrated with myself and life in general.

Does your husband know how bad it's gotten for you lately?

 

[Red]

Yes I told him a bit but I guess there's not much he can do - the poor guy works very hard to support us all and the best I can do is cook dinner and do basic chores on days where I'm able in order to contribute. I don't want to put any more stress on his already too busy head.