Chronically ill, alone, reached my limit

[YellowNeko1908]

What do I do if I am mentally and emotionally and physically at my absolute limit? I'm already running on fumes for years at this point. I am this close to ramming a knife right into my throat.

I've been chronically ill for more than a decade with digestive issues. This is isn't your average illness. It's literally 24/7 discomfort. Pretty sure I'm crazy at this point. Worst part? It's probably something easily treated once you know what it is. I suspect inflammation but whatever.

Here's the deal I have decided to pay out of pocket for a colonoscopy with biopsy. It still takes time, there's no guarantee of finding anything, I'm worried because everything ends in failure and I'm eating with the intention of irritating my gut as much as possible to make sure they find SOMETHING.

I don't know how to cope. I'm completely alone in this. Therapist try to gaslight by telling me it's psychosomatic, my parents are low-class trash and the public healthcare system is retarded. I don't even want to mention everything else what's weighting on my mind because it's too horrible to acknowledge the situation in its entirety.
I hate everything, everyone. I just want this to end regardless if it's a good end or a bad end as long as it's an end.

I tried everything humanly possibly to either solve this or cope with it. I genuinely feel like killing myself tonight because I just can't anymore.

This is something I wrote recently on another site. Anyways I want to kill myself tonight. I have nothing left. Absolutely nothing. I hate everything and I am at my limit.

I need someone to talk. Whether I kill myself or not I really need someone to talk right now.

 

[dudewheresthebus]

Hello, what's your discord or telegram or something. I'll chat with you! I'm 26 Non-binary in US

 

[YellowNeko1908]

Discord: rikka000empty

Sorry it took so long. Had to sign up first.

 

[CatLvr]

Oh man, do I know what that feels like. I live with someone but I'm just a "trad" convenience for him. I do EVERYTHING he doesn't feel like doing around here (read: EVERYTHING) he doesn't want to. Weaponized incompetence is a real thing and some people have it down to an artform.

I also have chronic pain issues and some autoimmune stuff they have never figured out, but that doesn't make me any less sick and tired of being sick and tired when it comes to dealing with the pain and fatigue. To be honest I envy you being alone, though, again in all honesty, both of our situations is a double-edged sword.

Because of that envy I wouldn't be a good fit to talk to you but I can tell you that I wouldn't wish how you feel right now on anyone (because regardless of WHY we feel suicidal, we can all sympathize with each other). I hope you can find someone, or something, to help you feel better.

 

[YellowNeko1908]

Sorry if I seem a little self absorbed right now and don't address what you say. I can't think straight at the moment. I'm basically going insane at the moment. I don't know what to say or what to do anymore.

I honestly do not want to die, but what else am I supposed to do? I wanted to talk to someone to ease the pain, but even that is only temporary. Death is my only salvation.

I can't take it anymore. It's literally 24/7 discomfort, frustration, filthiness and humiliation. And after my illness is gone the real struggle beings. Life, work, romance... And there so many I have to say about everything. No more. 14 wasted suffering without a moment of respite. I'm not exaggerating. I just want an end.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible to me, I'm sorry you suffer, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Cruel World]

Wish I could help, but I don't really know how to. Anyway, I wish you can find a moment of peace in your troubled life.

 

[dudewheresthebus]

Sorry if I seem a little self absorbed right now and don't address what you say. I can't think straight at the moment. I'm basically going insane at the moment. I don't know what to say or what to do anymore.

I honestly do not want to die, but what else am I supposed to do? I wanted to talk to someone to ease the pain, but even that is only temporary. Death is my only salvation.

I can't take it anymore. It's literally 24/7 discomfort, frustration, filthiness and humiliation. And after my illness is gone the real struggle beings. Life, work, romance... And there so many I have to say about everything. No more. 14 wasted suffering without a moment of respite. I'm not exaggerating. I just want an end.

Sorry Yellow, I am here now, went out for the rest of the day. I added you on Discord, lpnueva is my discord name.

 

[YellowNeko1908]

Don't worry. I was in no state to talk anyway. I even had to re-use the text I wrote on another site because I couldn't collect my thoughts.