Venting chronically fucked.

[greedydeath]

It's been weeks since I've been discharged from the hospital after a hanging attempt. With the exception of a nasty dark scar around my neck, i have fully recovered physically. The survival instinct, adrenaline rush.. whatever you wanna call it is long gone and i'm now back to my default setting - basically a few weeks/months before the actual attempt and i really really do wanna try to give life a chance but oh man. It feels like there is no way out of this. I really wanna try ECT and ketamine treatments as a last resort but the waiting lists and shit - not to mention my psych team has to approve beforehand (which i doubt they will) makes it hard to have any hope whatsoever. I want to die. That's still there. But hanging is pretty much my only option as for the moment. And I just can't accept having to endure more stranguation and choking to death. Fuck man. I don't know. I'm going to a friends house for a while because it's the only way to make sure I don't kill myself. I have a feeling my next one will be my last. Kinda funny how quickly the choice to keep on living disappears for the chronically suicidal. My whole life has been attempts and hospitalization. No one really expects a 20 year old "healthy" girl to be feeling like this. I sometimes feel like I have no excuse. Even with my past. But I feel like I'm just getting closer and closer with each attempt. Unless something in my life drastically changes in the next few months, then i see absolutely no way out of this shit hole. I still have the rope from my last attempt just "in case". Who the fuck do i think i'm kidding? I'm just so sick and tired of living like this man.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds awful what you've had to endure, failing ctb and ending up in a hospital certainly is what I fear, the thought of even attempting hanging terrifies me, I envy those who managed to succeed. But anyway I wish you the best, it's so dreadful how we exist in this world where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

It's been weeks since I've been discharged from the hospital after a hanging attempt. With the exception of a nasty dark scar around my neck, i have fully recovered physically. The survival instinct, adrenaline rush.. whatever you wanna call it is long gone and i'm now back to my default setting - basically a few weeks/months before the actual attempt and i really really do wanna try to give life a chance but oh man. It feels like there is no way out of this. I really wanna try ECT and ketamine treatments as a last resort but the waiting lists and shit - not to mention my psych team has to approve beforehand (which i doubt they will) makes it hard to have any hope whatsoever. I want to die. That's still there. But hanging is pretty much my only option as for the moment. And I just can't accept having to endure more stranguation and choking to death. Fuck man. I don't know. I'm going to a friends house for a while because it's the only way to make sure I don't kill myself. I have a feeling my next one will be my last. Kinda funny how quickly the choice to keep on living disappears for the chronically suicidal. My whole life has been attempts and hospitalization. No one really expects a 20 year old "healthy" girl to be feeling like this. I sometimes feel like I have no excuse. Even with my past. But I feel like I'm just getting closer and closer with each attempt. Unless something in my life drastically changes in the next few months, then i see absolutely no way out of this shit hole. I still have the rope from my last attempt just "in case". Who the fuck do i think i'm kidding? I'm just so sick and tired of living like this man.

Hello @greedydeath,
I'm so sorry you're stuck here.
After the moment of great fear,
You still keep drawing breath.

Like you, I can't throw away my rope.
Nothing else helped, this is my only hope.
No matter what, I wish you peace.
I wish your suffering will cease

Thanks for sharing your story
I'm so sorry to hear that - I'm 36 now and suicidal since 8 but your life seems to be far more painful than mine.
I've attempted partial hanging only once, and it was terrifying experience, but I feel like I'll try again, because terrible things are guaranteed to happen in this cruel game called life.
I threw away the rope when I returned from a psych ward, but I bought it again. It's the only thing I can rely on.

It sounds like genuinely hopeless situation, but I wish you the best

 

[greedydeath]

Hello @greedydeath,
I'm so sorry you're stuck here.
After the moment of great fear,
You still keep drawing breath.

Like you, I can't throw away my rope.
Nothing else helped, this is my only hope.
No matter what, I wish you peace.
I wish your suffering will cease

Thanks for sharing your story
I'm so sorry to hear that - I'm 36 now and suicidal since 8 but your life seems to be far more painful than mine.
I've attempted partial hanging only once, and it was terrifying experience, but I feel like I'll try again, because terrible things are guaranteed to happen in this cruel game called life.
I threw away the rope when I returned from a psych ward, but I bought it again. It's the only thing I can rely on.

It sounds like genuinely hopeless situation, but I wish you the best

hi friend :). thank you for replying. Although I hate to see another soul is also going through this, I'm thankful that I'm not alone in this experience. It feels like an endless loop doesn't it? Partial have never worked for me due to SI and never passing out quickly. Even with full suspension I didn't pass out for at least 10 seconds and was fighting until the very moment I could feel my limbs going numb. It was a very close call. Absolutely horrible experience. But the fact that I still have the urge to try again knowing fully how painful and uncomfortable it is just tells me how fucked I am in the head. And I truly do wonder if there's a way out of this. I hope there is. For me, you and everyone else in here. No plans for now but I still am hanging on to the rope for as a safety net. As ironic as that is. Gotta go catch the train to my friends house. Feel free to DM me or write more. I'd love to hear from you.