Venting Christmas alone

[ValkyrieCain]

21 years old; my first Christmas alone; No family, no friends , no one to spend it with nor to wish a Merry Christmas. One of the christmases that doesn't feel like a Christmas at all, just another regular day for me doing what I typically do which is staying in my flat and lying on my bed for almost 24 hours, unless I've to eat or brush my teeth, or shower, which is on the days I have to leave my flat. Apart from lying on my bed ; reading books and watching tv shows , I look for jobs as my savings are beginning to diminish to nothing. 78 job applications no successes, Im not surprised , Ive barely any work experience, and just two years of university to show for my predicament. Retained Knowledge from the course akin to not even taking the course in the first place.

Christmas, no Christmas trees , no presents, no decorations, if there's a spirt of Christmas it definitely didn't stop by this year. Its funny how the world moves on; holidays, breaks, special occasions while I'm repeating the same cycle over an over again with no progress to show for it, as if time has went on without me while im wondering in the same circle over and over again, in a time loop.

Holidays have no meaningless unless you give it meaning, I can't even find a meaningful purpose in my life yet, how can I find meaning in Christmas when today is just like every other day for the past 6 months?

The first person that wished me a merry Christmas was from this forum, the second a charity organisation that brought some food. I appreciate it. I make friends but I can't keep them. My instability driving those away who I thought were inseparable, so I've given up in that department. I tried I really did try I tried my best I believe.


Merry Christmas

 

[pointblank]

Happy holidays~!
When you're connected to the Wired you are not alone.

(watch with subs)

 

[babouflo201223]

21 ans ; mon premier Noël seul ; pas de famille, pas d'amis, personne avec qui le passer ni à qui souhaiter un joyeux Noël. Un de ces Noëls qui ne ressemble pas du tout à un Noël, juste un autre jour ordinaire pour moi à faire ce que je fais habituellement, c'est-à-dire rester dans mon appartement et m'allonger sur mon lit pendant presque 24 heures, à moins que je doive manger, me brosser les dents ou prendre une douche, ce qui est le jour où je dois quitter mon appartement. En plus de m'allonger sur mon lit, de lire des livres et de regarder des émissions de télévision, je cherche du travail car mes économies commencent à diminuer jusqu'à disparaître. 78 candidatures pour un emploi sans succès, je ne suis pas surpris, j'ai à peine une expérience professionnelle et seulement deux ans d'université pour montrer ma situation difficile. Les connaissances retenues grâce au cours sont comparables à celles que j'ai retenues au départ.

Noël, pas de sapins, pas de cadeaux, pas de décorations, s'il y a un esprit de Noël, il ne s'est certainement pas arrêté cette année. C'est drôle comme le monde continue d'avancer ; vacances, pauses, occasions spéciales alors que je répète le même cycle encore et encore sans aucun progrès à montrer, comme si le temps avait continué sans moi alors que je me promène dans le même cercle encore et encore, dans une boucle temporelle.

Les vacances n'ont pas de sens à moins que vous ne leur donniez un sens. Je n'arrive même pas encore à trouver un but significatif dans ma vie. Comment puis-je trouver un sens à Noël alors qu'aujourd'hui est comme tous les autres jours des 6 derniers mois ?

La première personne qui m'a souhaité un joyeux Noël venait de ce forum, la deuxième d'une organisation caritative qui m'a apporté de la nourriture. J'apprécie cela. Je me fais des amis mais je n'arrive pas à les garder. Mon instabilité éloigne ceux que je croyais inséparables, alors j'ai abandonné dans ce domaine. J'ai essayé, j'ai vraiment essayé, j'ai fait de mon mieux, je crois.


Joyeux noël

Si c'est important pour vous, je vous souhaite un joyeux Noël !
(Je suis seule aussi, pas de famille, pas d'amis qui m'ont téléphoné ou répondu, on dirait qu'ils en ont juste marre de ma dépression et de mes idées tristes, je peux les comprendre après tout).

 

[Theresnoescape]

21 years old; my first Christmas alone; No family, no friends , no one to spend it with nor to wish a Merry Christmas. One of the christmases that doesn't feel like a Christmas at all, just another regular day for me doing what I typically do which is staying in my flat and lying on my bed for almost 24 hours, unless I've to eat or brush my teeth, or shower, which is on the days I have to leave my flat. Apart from lying on my bed ; reading books and watching tv shows , I look for jobs as my savings are beginning to diminish to nothing. 78 job applications no successes, Im not surprised , Ive barely any work experience, and just two years of university to show for my predicament. Retained Knowledge from the course akin to not even taking the course in the first place.

Christmas, no Christmas trees , no presents, no decorations, if there's a spirt of Christmas it definitely didn't stop by this year. Its funny how the world moves on; holidays, breaks, special occasions while I'm repeating the same cycle over an over again with no progress to show for it, as if time has went on without me while im wondering in the same circle over and over again, in a time loop.

Holidays have no meaningless unless you give it meaning, I can't even find a meaningful purpose in my life yet, how can I find meaning in Christmas when today is just like every other day for the past 6 months?

The first person that wished me a merry Christmas was from this forum, the second a charity organisation that brought some food. I appreciate it. I make friends but I can't keep them. My instability driving those away who I thought were inseparable, so I've given up in that department. I tried I really did try I tried my best I believe.


Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, i live with my family but feel just as alone. Sometimes I think it's awful feeling so alone, but when I really think about it I just don't have the energy for proper relationships and spend nearly all my time in a different room on my own. Anyway, I hope you have a good new year's.

 

[alienfreak]

Merry Christmas. I am alone too, this is my fifth christmas like this in a row, also no tree or decorations etc, no energy to cook anything

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Merry Christmas from another alone person. This year, same as last year, I'm happy alone as I just cannot face people. Booked myself into a bnb for the day, away from family and a landlord who may have invited me over, as they feel sorry for me.

The world does just move on as you say and I wish for you that the new year bring will bring new opportunities and success in your job hunt, all the best.

 

[Chinaski]

21 years old; my first Christmas alone; No family, no friends , no one to spend it with nor to wish a Merry Christmas. One of the christmases that doesn't feel like a Christmas at all, just another regular day for me doing what I typically do

Same, no cards, no gifts, just a cheerful phone call from my landlord who doesn't want me to cost him a fortune in grisly clearance. I wish i was at work. So it goes.

Anyway you're not alone in being alone.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I hope you can get through it as best you can. My first Christmas alone felt pretty weird. I was maybe also about 20, 21. I've had maybe 20+ of them alone now and they get easier but, I'm sorry. It's definitely an odd feeling to know most others around you are celebrating. I hope the food was nice.

 

[pariah80]

Merry Christmas. I hope you find something that can bring you some joy this holiday season. It may be lonely, but I'd rather be alone than with a bunch of bodies who invite me but don't really want me around. It's just customary to do so in the season of forced kindness. Trust me. You'd rather be alone than with people who make you feel alone and unwanted.

 

[ValkyrieCain]

Happy holidays~!
When you're connected to the Wired you are not alone.

(watch with subs)

Merry Christmas to you too, even thou Im online talking on forums like this I still truly feel alone, no one really knows me, masked behind an avatar just pouring out my thoughts, even in real life the friends that I clung to that I valued more than myself , I placed my identity in them and valued them over myself, due to not wanting to loose them , I valued them more than they valued me, I overlooked how much they really didn't see me the same way as I saw them, thou I still clung on , something better than nothing. Even then I still felt lonely around them. I never shook this feeling off, I tried something, let me stop being the one reaching out and see if they reach out. No one reached out , I knew no one would even the ones I called my best friends they didn't , this kinda added to the fuel for my psychosis breakdown.

Si c'est important pour vous, je vous souhaite un joyeux Noël !
(Je suis seule aussi, pas de famille, pas d'amis qui m'ont téléphoné ou répondu, on dirait qu'ils en ont juste marre de ma dépression et de mes idées tristes, je peux les comprendre après tout).

Merci et joyeux Noël aussi.

De même, les gens en ont marre de moi, je ne suis pas surpris, je me déchaîne quand j'arrive à mon point de bascule en repoussant les gens, même lorsque j'essaie de cacher mes sentiments dépressifs, ils finissent toujours par faire surface. J'ai accepté le fait que je suis seul, je ne me sens pas seul depuis que je me suis habitué à être seul mais je suis néanmoins seul.

Merry Christmas, i live with my family but feel just as alone. Sometimes I think it's awful feeling so alone, but when I really think about it I just don't have the energy for proper relationships and spend nearly all my time in a different room on my own. Anyway, I hope you have a good new year's.

One of the worst feelings is beings surrounded by people but still truly feeling alone, it's hard to shake. I'm not motivated to make friends anymore or reach out, at one time I poured all my energy into doing just that forming as many friendships as I could, valuing them over myself, doing things to please other people as long as they are happy with me I was fine, while I ignorantly turned a blind eye to the point most of the friendships I've had were surface level and no one really valued me the same way as I valued them. Now they're all gone and I'm alone , alone but don't feel lonely but alone nonetheless with no energy for pretty much anything but internalising or pouring out my thoughts or distractions.

I hope you have a good Christmas and new year too

Merry Christmas from another alone person. This year, same as last year, I'm happy alone as I just cannot face people. Booked myself into a bnb for the day, away from family and a landlord who may have invited me over, as they feel sorry for me.

The world does just move on as you say and I wish for you that the new year bring will bring new opportunities and success in your job hunt, all the best.

Thank you , Merry Christmas too. Tbh 2025 I don't know what to expect at all but I pray I make some sort of progress

Merry Christmas. I am alone too, this is my fifth christmas like this in a row, also no tree or decorations etc, no energy to cook anything

Merry Christmas to you too, with this being my first Christmas alone I feel nothing not even sad just a hit of realisation that Im truly alone especially when people are doing things that seem so lively or fun or holding massive dinners etc.

I don't know if the following christmases to come will my feeling f blankness remain or would I just start feeling more lonely , how did it go for you ?

Same, no cards, no gifts, just a cheerful phone call from my landlord who doesn't want me to cost him a fortune in grisly clearance. I wish i was at work. So it goes.

Anyway you're not alone in being alone.

I almost forgot that Christmas cards were even a thing , merry Christmas too you thou.

I hope you can get through it as best you can. My first Christmas alone felt pretty weird. I was maybe also about 20, 21. I've had maybe 20+ of them alone now and they get easier but, I'm sorry. It's definitely an odd feeling to know most others around you are celebrating. I hope the food was nice.

The food was nice thank you.
im pulling through it just feels like any other day to me, which is odd since to others it seems like holds meaning., to me meaningless.
Merry Christmas

 

[alienfreak]

I don't know if the following christmases to come will my feeling f blankness remain or would I just start feeling more lonely , how did it go for you ?

I didnt care at all before, especially because christmas with my family was worse, so it was in a way a relief to be alone. This year is the worst because it is within the context of loneliness and rejection that dominates my life status in general, and i realise if i were to not ctb i would have decades to come of this deepening isolation and meaningless emptiness

 

[ValkyrieCain]

Merry Christmas. I hope you find something that can bring you some joy this holiday season. It may be lonely, but I'd rather be alone than with a bunch of bodies who invite me but don't really want me around. It's just customary to do so in the season of forced kindness. Trust me. You'd rather be alone than with people who make you feel alone and unwanted.

I know that feeling being around people but feeling lonely, I hate that, I'd chose to be alone than that. I found things that brought me joy, people and how my life was going prior to my psychosis that destroyed basically all relationships with friends and family. Its been months since that happened and months of mourning what I've lost, I'm slowly feeling the weight of the past lift from my shoulders but at the same time my motivation for the future is dead

I didnt care at all before, especially because christmas with my family was worse, so it was in a way a relief to be alone. This year is the worst because it is within the context of loneliness and rejection that dominates my life status in general, and i realise if i were to not ctb i would decades of this deepening isolation and meaningless emptiness

One constant fear I had when I had people I called 'friends' was the fear of loosing them , even when I was in a relationship one thing that broke me was the fear of breaking up ; rejection after commitment which eventually happened, which drove me down a route of using drugs to get over my feelings

I clung so dearly to people just cause I didn't want to feel lonely, I shifted my morals to encompass them I folded myself after what I thought they wanted, wearing different masks to please different people, I was never truly myself , instead I was a caricature of what I believed each friend wanted from me , it was exhausting but I didn't want to loose people I didn't want to feel lonely like I've felt before starting my medication for depression and anxiety during that period I had no friends basically from 16-18 years old in constant isolation curled up in a ball on my bed crying to my thoughts that gave me headaches and the constant notion of wanting to die but searching for a painless and quick way. The loneliness I felt during that period , not talking to people for 2 years I didn't want to happen again.

so when I eventually reached university at 19 this is where it began to change for me, less anxiety and my depression was manageable, with the constant overthinking, overanalysing and depressive thoughts suppressed , I reached out to many people and wore different masks constantly I made what I thought were friends. Thou the thought of loneliness still lingered at the back of my head. I soon came to realise that all the people I've talked too or made friends with, they were all people I approached not people that approached me. They never reached out to me or made any plans with me unless I was the one to do so, this broke me a bit but I pushed it past myself , telling myself that it was fine as long as I had people to talk to.

I loved other people more than myself, placed my identity in them, latched on today was afraid of loosing them even thou they didn't value me like I valued them. the only thing that broke that predicament for me is when I went through a psychosis episode that lasted 4 weeks. oh all the relationships I had including with family, I lost them all ,even some that did stick during that period, fast forward to today they're gone.

I Mourned the loss of my friendships then realised that most of them was one sided effort from me, were they really friendships ? or people I called fiends to put up a guise? My motivation to even make new friends died during the last two months, forming new relations going through the same cycle as I went through with other friends , I don't know any other way to make friends, what was my identity if not what other people thought of me; I had none for myself.

I come to accept and embrace being alone. I don't know if im saying this due to constantly detaching myself or blocking my thoughts; but I don't care for friends anymore , the effort to make new friends or form new deeper relationships , I have no more energy for that, something I let rule my life prior I care not for it anymore.

 

[Theresnoescape]

You have a very wise head on young shoulders, I truly hope you find some peace and happiness in your life. Always chase what make YOU happy, if it makes others happy then that's a nice bonus. I feel hypocritical saying that as I live with my family but I'm unhappy. But anyway, all the best.

 

[theolivanderroach]

I would have been better off alone this Christmas. I live with my alcoholic parents and got yelled at first thing in the morning while taking my dogs out. Went straight back to my room after hearing more beer cans being opened.

 

[lamy2006]

Happy holidays~!
When you're connected to the Wired you are not alone.

(watch with subs)

I just listened, and it's a great song.