Speaking of King Solomon on my other thread, (which won't let me add this as its own comment, it keeps adding to the original post...) and "this too, shall pass...", I said I was in a bad way "because reasons".
Ironically, speaking of King Solomon...one of those trigger reasons was because of an online interaction on a Christian forum. I'm an atheist questioning my atheism, and asked a religious question to a particular person who runs the forum. Even though I'm atheist, more objectivist, I still have a certain respect for religion, so I went in respectfully, and I asked that person because I know their background (a Christian who went through a Rand phase himself), and was interested in their view. But another person who I don't know interjected and became quite confrontational. Not just to me, either, he seems to be on a crusade. Partly my fault, because I did accept his interference, and my question to that person was not meant to insult but the idea itself seemed to be a challenge to his faith (I asked his opinion about a quote, but not for the purpose of challenging faith, more to get a different perspective.) But then I regretted it, because the response was hostile. But after politely trying to end the conversation, and then making it clear that I would not participate, he kept going, and got nasty about it publicly, and even told me that I need to "Stop doing this, you need to start thinking this", that kind of talk. I was desperately trying to get him to drop it, told him that he didn't know me enough (at all) to have THAT conversation with me. The part I didn't say is that he doesn't even know that I'm suicidal, and there trying to find some solace or meaning in something that he believes in, and I don't, yet he is going on the attack, adding to that suicidal impulse. Is that his idea of "Christian compassion and charity?" I could have turned nasty as well, but what's the point? Another person advised just to ignore him; apparently he's just like that. There'd be no winning with him, not even mutual understanding. (He was even attacking other Christians, and said that "people needed to be held accountable", so yeah, he's on a crusade.
It's funny though, when I asked politely for him to excuse himself, he said that I should have asked my original question in a DM, since it's a public forum, if I didn't want my beliefs trashed, calling me an blind idol-worshipper, etc. (Which was a low blow and a straw man accusation, at that, because I had already once before said that I am questioning those beliefs myself, and had even offered up criticisms of them on my own.) But it's not quite a public forum, either; it's a discord channel that is accessible by invitation. So the forum owner allows him there, even though he's had arguments with that person himself, as well as letting the person attack other Christians. So even within their own fellowship, Christians have to deal with this kind of crap. Then again, I'm aware of the Council of Nicea, and the Inquisition, and all that, so I'm not surprised. But still, this is supposed to be a more TOLERANT group of Christians, not the zealots. And I've read Carl Jung, and know about the dark side of Christianity that believers don't accept; it's built into the duality of good and evil. This is why I prefer Taoism, I think.)
It would be wrong for me to judge Christianity based on the actions of one persons, and his behavior is not confined to Christians, but there's that old saying that comes to mind, "Lord, save me from your followers." And I should have known better; I've seen enough two-faced behavior by so-called Christians in the past, and know the evil in my own family perpetrated behind a guise of faith. But that's how desperate I am. And I find inspiration in how Christians have survived bad times by finding perseverence through faith, and in their faith. Sometimes the logical approach can lead us to premature despair, where faith can keep one going past it. But it's just another cosmic joke on me that it happened there, and I can't stop ruminating on it. It's under my skin, and I should know better, but it's that internal tug-of-war again. I could have gotten nasty back, but that's not why I was there, and then I'm becoming what I hate. That said, even if I don't believe in the literal existence of a god or devil, the metaphor is apt; I feel like no matter how I try, no matter how I play by the rules, etc, the idea of Satan running >this< world is real, and what does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul…
But overall, it just reinforces my experience that my personal introversion is a gift and a curse. I'm tired of being alone. But the more I reach out to the world, the more I'm rejected, no matter where I go, or how I try for mutual understanding, and ready to make peace I am, the will to power is overwhelming. That drive to see both sides of the story has also prevented me from taking any one side of a conflict totally, and that's been a curse, because most people don't want to do that, they're rather have "us vs. them. "Blessed are the peacemakers?" Too often, they will condemn the peacemakers. So I try to align with the least-offensive options, but that doesn't always work or feel right, so...for the most part, I walk alone.
I've worked hard on curb my own temper and hostile tendencies, but I rarely get the same consideration. Beyond the need for immediate self-defense in situations, I'm after long-term solutions by peaceful means, not short-term gains by violence or hostility. It took me a long time to get their, but that's the influence of both my lingering Christianity AND Objectivism working together in me. But that's a tall challenge in a Machiavellian world, and I'm tired of the fight. People seem hell-bent on destroying others (and Christians and Objectivists are not immune to that, either, sadly; the ideas are bigger than their humanity). Once again, it's not the outright evil people that disappoint me, it's those who are supposed to be on the side of good that disappoint me. I want to create, not destroy. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I have no place in this world, and that I'm meant to be solitary, if I'm to be here at all.
"He who delights in solitude is either a wild beast or a god." - Friedrich Nietzsche.
Ironically, speaking of King Solomon...one of those trigger reasons was because of an online interaction on a Christian forum. I'm an atheist questioning my atheism, and asked a religious question to a particular person who runs the forum. Even though I'm atheist, more objectivist, I still have a certain respect for religion, so I went in respectfully, and I asked that person because I know their background (a Christian who went through a Rand phase himself), and was interested in their view. But another person who I don't know interjected and became quite confrontational. Not just to me, either, he seems to be on a crusade. Partly my fault, because I did accept his interference, and my question to that person was not meant to insult but the idea itself seemed to be a challenge to his faith (I asked his opinion about a quote, but not for the purpose of challenging faith, more to get a different perspective.) But then I regretted it, because the response was hostile. But after politely trying to end the conversation, and then making it clear that I would not participate, he kept going, and got nasty about it publicly, and even told me that I need to "Stop doing this, you need to start thinking this", that kind of talk. I was desperately trying to get him to drop it, told him that he didn't know me enough (at all) to have THAT conversation with me. The part I didn't say is that he doesn't even know that I'm suicidal, and there trying to find some solace or meaning in something that he believes in, and I don't, yet he is going on the attack, adding to that suicidal impulse. Is that his idea of "Christian compassion and charity?" I could have turned nasty as well, but what's the point? Another person advised just to ignore him; apparently he's just like that. There'd be no winning with him, not even mutual understanding. (He was even attacking other Christians, and said that "people needed to be held accountable", so yeah, he's on a crusade.
It's funny though, when I asked politely for him to excuse himself, he said that I should have asked my original question in a DM, since it's a public forum, if I didn't want my beliefs trashed, calling me an blind idol-worshipper, etc. (Which was a low blow and a straw man accusation, at that, because I had already once before said that I am questioning those beliefs myself, and had even offered up criticisms of them on my own.) But it's not quite a public forum, either; it's a discord channel that is accessible by invitation. So the forum owner allows him there, even though he's had arguments with that person himself, as well as letting the person attack other Christians. So even within their own fellowship, Christians have to deal with this kind of crap. Then again, I'm aware of the Council of Nicea, and the Inquisition, and all that, so I'm not surprised. But still, this is supposed to be a more TOLERANT group of Christians, not the zealots. And I've read Carl Jung, and know about the dark side of Christianity that believers don't accept; it's built into the duality of good and evil. This is why I prefer Taoism, I think.)
It would be wrong for me to judge Christianity based on the actions of one persons, and his behavior is not confined to Christians, but there's that old saying that comes to mind, "Lord, save me from your followers." And I should have known better; I've seen enough two-faced behavior by so-called Christians in the past, and know the evil in my own family perpetrated behind a guise of faith. But that's how desperate I am. And I find inspiration in how Christians have survived bad times by finding perseverence through faith, and in their faith. Sometimes the logical approach can lead us to premature despair, where faith can keep one going past it. But it's just another cosmic joke on me that it happened there, and I can't stop ruminating on it. It's under my skin, and I should know better, but it's that internal tug-of-war again. I could have gotten nasty back, but that's not why I was there, and then I'm becoming what I hate. That said, even if I don't believe in the literal existence of a god or devil, the metaphor is apt; I feel like no matter how I try, no matter how I play by the rules, etc, the idea of Satan running >this< world is real, and what does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul…
But overall, it just reinforces my experience that my personal introversion is a gift and a curse. I'm tired of being alone. But the more I reach out to the world, the more I'm rejected, no matter where I go, or how I try for mutual understanding, and ready to make peace I am, the will to power is overwhelming. That drive to see both sides of the story has also prevented me from taking any one side of a conflict totally, and that's been a curse, because most people don't want to do that, they're rather have "us vs. them. "Blessed are the peacemakers?" Too often, they will condemn the peacemakers. So I try to align with the least-offensive options, but that doesn't always work or feel right, so...for the most part, I walk alone.
I've worked hard on curb my own temper and hostile tendencies, but I rarely get the same consideration. Beyond the need for immediate self-defense in situations, I'm after long-term solutions by peaceful means, not short-term gains by violence or hostility. It took me a long time to get their, but that's the influence of both my lingering Christianity AND Objectivism working together in me. But that's a tall challenge in a Machiavellian world, and I'm tired of the fight. People seem hell-bent on destroying others (and Christians and Objectivists are not immune to that, either, sadly; the ideas are bigger than their humanity). Once again, it's not the outright evil people that disappoint me, it's those who are supposed to be on the side of good that disappoint me. I want to create, not destroy. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I have no place in this world, and that I'm meant to be solitary, if I'm to be here at all.
"He who delights in solitude is either a wild beast or a god." - Friedrich Nietzsche.
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