I've gone off my psychiatric medication to get away from my Psych NP. It's a complicated story that I've posted in my last posts. I was really spiraling when I wrote them.
We decided to taper, but he did it faster than I wanted. I didn't want to get off all my meds at once, in 3 months, without monitoring. I wanted slow; he wanted fast. I was anxious about getting off Pristiq because I've gone off two SNRI's too fast and 25mg of Pristiq has no lower doses. He waved it off because Pristiq is not as bad as Cymbalta (what I was on before). He told me I didn't have to come back, and I just got a call from his office that he can't make our appointment tomorrow, so I rescheduled for two weeks from now during the call. I'll be fully done with my taper, then. From Lamotrigine. My mood stabilizer. I got off Vyvanse. I have BED and diabetes. So guess what happennnned!
I gained 12 lbs. in a month.
I stressed to him that when he forgot my Vyvanse two years ago, I went through a bad period of intense anxiety because Vyvanse is the most effective med for my anxiety. I've told him 1,000 times I'm barely seeing doctors now because I have trauma from mistreatment during that time. I wanted to go slow. And he just told me to message him if I had any questions or concerns. I said I wasn't likely to do that. Waved.
I'm not scared of him, anymore. Although, I clearly should be. My trauma's doing a thing. I've been trying to let my body (subconscious) take the reins and orient my decisions because my conscious mind is full of worry and noise. Last week, I decided I wanted to keep this appointment for either closure or another opportunity to be peaceful so I can have more time to get to a better place. I can't just call him up in 3 years being like, "Hey, let's talk now that I'm ready!" And running away without feeling like I really tried for human connection feels like something I'll regret in the future. He's got a disability that's put him in denial that he has a disability. I'm not responsible for him, but every human has a share of responsibility to all others. I just want to be forthright just once. But I'm so worn out. I just realized I never sat and spoke to him with both of us fully understanding the conversation. It was Confrontation to Dissolution as our last two appointments had lowkey hostile vibes. And read "lowkey hostile vibes" literally, not slangally. He's afraid, but I don't know why. I can continue to speculate but look where thinking our thoughts has gotten both of us.
I'm going to think about this man for the rest of my life, so I'm really trying to make sure my future thoughts are more, "Well, I tried..." when I really did try or "Well, I did what I came to do," vs. thousands of spinning curiosities that can't be answered.
There are a lot of pressures to both stay and leave. I'm choosing to not try to put the whole story here because, as you can see from all my posts, I really try too hard to preempt clarifying questions. So, go ahead and ask if you have any.
We decided to taper, but he did it faster than I wanted. I didn't want to get off all my meds at once, in 3 months, without monitoring. I wanted slow; he wanted fast. I was anxious about getting off Pristiq because I've gone off two SNRI's too fast and 25mg of Pristiq has no lower doses. He waved it off because Pristiq is not as bad as Cymbalta (what I was on before). He told me I didn't have to come back, and I just got a call from his office that he can't make our appointment tomorrow, so I rescheduled for two weeks from now during the call. I'll be fully done with my taper, then. From Lamotrigine. My mood stabilizer. I got off Vyvanse. I have BED and diabetes. So guess what happennnned!
I gained 12 lbs. in a month.
I stressed to him that when he forgot my Vyvanse two years ago, I went through a bad period of intense anxiety because Vyvanse is the most effective med for my anxiety. I've told him 1,000 times I'm barely seeing doctors now because I have trauma from mistreatment during that time. I wanted to go slow. And he just told me to message him if I had any questions or concerns. I said I wasn't likely to do that. Waved.
I'm not scared of him, anymore. Although, I clearly should be. My trauma's doing a thing. I've been trying to let my body (subconscious) take the reins and orient my decisions because my conscious mind is full of worry and noise. Last week, I decided I wanted to keep this appointment for either closure or another opportunity to be peaceful so I can have more time to get to a better place. I can't just call him up in 3 years being like, "Hey, let's talk now that I'm ready!" And running away without feeling like I really tried for human connection feels like something I'll regret in the future. He's got a disability that's put him in denial that he has a disability. I'm not responsible for him, but every human has a share of responsibility to all others. I just want to be forthright just once. But I'm so worn out. I just realized I never sat and spoke to him with both of us fully understanding the conversation. It was Confrontation to Dissolution as our last two appointments had lowkey hostile vibes. And read "lowkey hostile vibes" literally, not slangally. He's afraid, but I don't know why. I can continue to speculate but look where thinking our thoughts has gotten both of us.
I'm going to think about this man for the rest of my life, so I'm really trying to make sure my future thoughts are more, "Well, I tried..." when I really did try or "Well, I did what I came to do," vs. thousands of spinning curiosities that can't be answered.
There are a lot of pressures to both stay and leave. I'm choosing to not try to put the whole story here because, as you can see from all my posts, I really try too hard to preempt clarifying questions. So, go ahead and ask if you have any.
