I'mnin my 20s but have a long history of suicidal ideation and attempts, it's landed me in hospitals and changed the way in which I see the world.
4 years ago, I got out of a 2 year admission and worked so fucking hard to piece my life together. When I got out I had nothing. I went to college, got myself a steady job, moved out. All on top of being in community treatment. 2 years in I left community treatment and decided to go it alone. I thought I was 'cured' (able to manage independently). Things went ok, and 2 years later I decided to leave my past behind me for good, and move to a new city 4 hours away.
This was my way of leaving the sadness and suicidality behind and moving into a new life where I wasn't constantly surrounded by people and places that reminded me of who I was.
For the first few months, things were great. My job was great, I made friends, I felt happy. And then it all slipped.
I had one evening where suddenly nothing made sense anymore and I attempted ctb. Thenpolice were involved, I got sent to a crisis house, and suddenly I was the same person I was 6 years ago. Broken and wanting to die.
Since then, I've spent my time just existing. Reflecting on what went wrong. Trying to decide if I actually want to do this life thing or just avoid all the future pain and ctb. Everything takes so much effort. Everyone around me thinks it was a one off 'blip' and I'm better now, but I'm not.
Existing is painful.
I know how hard it is going to be to 'recover' again. I've fought for it before and it took so much effort and pain. If I never went through the sadness again it would have been worth it. But now it's happened again I don't know if it was.
Whilst this debate exists in my mind, I am having to consciously choose to stay alive every day and I am so tired. The loneliness is real too, because if I reach out I could get sectioned and it's really important to me that I have the choice to die. That choice can't be taken away from me.
So yeah, choosing to live is exhausting. Even if it's only a temporary choice. I have no idea how I'll manage if this whole choosing to live thing becomes permanent.
If anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.
4 years ago, I got out of a 2 year admission and worked so fucking hard to piece my life together. When I got out I had nothing. I went to college, got myself a steady job, moved out. All on top of being in community treatment. 2 years in I left community treatment and decided to go it alone. I thought I was 'cured' (able to manage independently). Things went ok, and 2 years later I decided to leave my past behind me for good, and move to a new city 4 hours away.
This was my way of leaving the sadness and suicidality behind and moving into a new life where I wasn't constantly surrounded by people and places that reminded me of who I was.
For the first few months, things were great. My job was great, I made friends, I felt happy. And then it all slipped.
I had one evening where suddenly nothing made sense anymore and I attempted ctb. Thenpolice were involved, I got sent to a crisis house, and suddenly I was the same person I was 6 years ago. Broken and wanting to die.
Since then, I've spent my time just existing. Reflecting on what went wrong. Trying to decide if I actually want to do this life thing or just avoid all the future pain and ctb. Everything takes so much effort. Everyone around me thinks it was a one off 'blip' and I'm better now, but I'm not.
Existing is painful.
I know how hard it is going to be to 'recover' again. I've fought for it before and it took so much effort and pain. If I never went through the sadness again it would have been worth it. But now it's happened again I don't know if it was.
Whilst this debate exists in my mind, I am having to consciously choose to stay alive every day and I am so tired. The loneliness is real too, because if I reach out I could get sectioned and it's really important to me that I have the choice to die. That choice can't be taken away from me.
So yeah, choosing to live is exhausting. Even if it's only a temporary choice. I have no idea how I'll manage if this whole choosing to live thing becomes permanent.
If anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.
