Choosing ctb date with SN

[seasons4changing]

I'm trying to choose a date when to ctb. I kind of feel guilty because I want to check out as soon as SN arrives but with holidays my bf wants to plan things and I really don't . He says "wow you have not been depressed lately" I guess it's because I have SN method and it's my plan A so I been hiding my depression and tell myself I only have to be depressed for a short time longer.

I know my ctb will be tramatic for him idk if I have it in me to ruin the happy holidays for my bf and children or if I should just ctb once sn arrives idk what to do. Also my birthday is a little after Christmas I know my bf wants to plan something big and romantic and it breaks my heart he doesn't know my plan and I feel so guilty. He knows about my suicidal ideation and been with me throughout my inpatient times…I only hope he has to know that ctb is a high possibility

 

[skatergirl]

I'm trying to choose a date when to ctb. I kind of feel guilty because I want to check out as soon as SN arrives but with holidays my bf wants to plan things and I really don't . He says "wow you have not been depressed lately" I guess it's because I have SN method and it's my plan A so I been hiding my depression and tell myself I only have to be depressed for a short time longer.

I know my ctb will be tramatic for him idk if I have it in me to ruin the happy holidays for my bf and children or if I should just ctb once sn arrives idk what to do. Also my birthday is a little after Christmas I know my bf wants to plan something big and romantic and it breaks my heart he doesn't know my plan and I feel so guilty. He knows about my suicidal ideation and been with me throughout my inpatient times…I only hope he has to know that ctb is a high possibility

Wow sounds so like my story

 

[seasons4changing]

Wow sounds so like my story

It sad sometimes isn't it? I been sleeping so well the past few days since I ordered my sn. Just waiting for things to finally end. I care for my bf and children but i no longer want to suffer.

 

[skatergirl]

It sad sometimes isn't it? I been sleeping so well the past few days since I ordered my sn. Just waiting for things to finally end. I care for my bf and children but i no longer want to suffer.

So sad like why do u want to ctb what's ur reasons

 

[seasons4changing]

So sad like why do u want to ctb what's ur reasons

I don't think my dms work I promise I'll message back if it works lol. But my main reason to ctb is I am just tired . I am tired of waking up suffering mentally. I have constant trauma dreams. I struggle with major dissociation and depersonalization. I been on multiple antidepressants that screwed me up even more. I'm tired of therapy that doesn't help I'm tired of struggling in my life with all of life's pressure. I just want it all to be over. I am unable to feel love. Or feel anything really due to my medications . I care for my bf and children but between waking up and wondering "is today real or I'm dreaming" I just can't take it anymore. Literally last night I had a dream and "woke up" 3-4 times thinking I was in "reality" and my bf had to snap me back into reality and assure me I am not sleeping or dreaming. I hate it so much.

 

[ParalyzedVeteran]

If you can hang in there, let them have the holidays. They won't freak out on an annual basis. I know what you mean about tired. Everything is orders of magnitude more difficult and when you take an objective look at it, it's just not worth it. The VA put me on meds like yours that made me feel nothing emotionally. I stopped because I'd rather be miserable than feel nothing.

 

[seasons4changing]

If you can hang in there, let them have the holidays. They won't freak out on an annual basis. I know what you mean about tired. Everything is orders of magnitude more difficult and when you take an objective look at it, it's just not worth it. The VA put me on meds like yours that made me feel nothing emotionally. I stopped because I'd rather be miserable than feel nothing.

Thank you for your service and sorry you have to experience more pain. Yeah the meds keep messing me up more and more. The ones I'm on know tip me over the edge of no return. Yesterday I had a breakdown I'm just done with everything. I'm going to try my best to get thru the holidays. I fear I may not make it once my sn arrives