SinisterKid
Visionary
- Jun 1, 2019
- 2,113
There seems to be a sudden surge of members being very harsh to depressed/suicidal parents of children on this forum in the wake of recent events. I am not involved in that thread nor do I want to be.
When I was a young teen, I very stupidly got a girl pregnant. We had no sex education in schools back then and no one told us about contraception. We made plans, even though we were young and still at school. There was pressure from various bodies to not have the birth or to put the child up for adoption but we never seriously considered those as options. I was earning money from paper rounds and working weekends on a pig farm and I was looking forward to becoming a dad. Sadly, after a lot of parental pressure, my girlfriend went and had a termination without talking to me first. I only got to know about it after the event. I was devastated. I swore I would never get another woman pregnant again and I never have. I dont have children of my own.
Fast forward a few years.
Things got out of hand and my life was spiralling out of control. Drink, drugs and crime took over and unless something changed I was not going to last long. I lost my freedom and my self respect. So I moved away to a new life in a new city. I have never been one for plans or goals or ambitions. I have drifted through life taking whatever it threw at me. I met a divorced woman who had a young boy of 5 and we got on well. Me and the boy loved playing football together and kerby. I got the chance to work in Canada so I took that chance and left the woman and boy behind. But i missed then so much, after a few months I came back to the UK and started seeing the woman again. We have been together ever since. Never married, but she has been there once and he cheated on her. Neither of us were bothered about a piece of paper and gold rings. The boy I treated as my own. We were close and once he told me he wished I was his real dad. That was the greatest compliment anyone could have given me regarding being a parent. Shit I made mistakes, I got things wrong. But overall, we did a good job of raising a very decent human being.
Fast forward a few more years.
Our boy now has his own little family. He gave us the most fantastic gift anyone could ever have given us. A beautiful granddaughter, born the day after Christmas. They are a lovely family unit. I am not related to any of them by law, but the little one only knows me as her grandad. We are the only grandparents she has left. My partner and her have a bond that nothing could ever break. She will and is growing into a fine young woman in her own right and we could not be any prouder of her if we tried. Our boy and his partner are both intelligent people, work hard and have a good life. We love them all dearly.
I became ill not long after the little one was born. After leaving hospital, I have never been the old me. After a few years, the mental health issues started and I made my first attempt at ending my own life. Our boy and my partner were caught in the crossfire but have always supported me. But the little one knows nothing of my troubles. But when times have been at their worst, she has managed to do what no one else has been able to do. She got through to me in ways no one else can. She is innocent, she is not responsible for the ills of this world or for my problems. But she is probably the best and only form of therapy that has kept me going. After lengthy discussions with my partner about how me not being here would affect the little one, I gave my word that I would do my best, each and every day, to stay alive, for her. She is my reason to keep going. Without her in my life, I have no doubts whatsoever, I would not be here. There have been times when I got no joy from being around her. The guilt of that is a very heavy burden to carry. Only someone who has been in that position can know how difficult it is. I want out of this life, but after seeing what losing her other grandma did to her last year, how can I be responsible for doing that to her again?
So before you jump on the anti natal bandwagon and shout at us all about how we should not have kids, understand that to some of us, children are the greatest gifts of them all. I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for my granddaughter. How many people in your life can you say that about? Most people I would not piss on if they were on fire. I do not have a great deal of time for most people because they are self centred for the most part. But I am old and cynical. My little one is young and naive. She deserves our love and compassion and our protection until such time that she is able to stand on her own two feet and look after herself. I can only begin to imagine what anguish parents who are suicidal must go through on a daily basis. They deserve our empathy and compassion as well, not our judgement on whether its right or wrong to bring their children into this world. Our children are our future and I hope they can do a better job than we have managed so far as a so called civilisation.
Anyone who manages to read all this can argue, debate, express what ever opinions they have on the matter, it will never, ever, change the way I feel about my boy or my little one. It has been my privilege to have them in my life.
When I was a young teen, I very stupidly got a girl pregnant. We had no sex education in schools back then and no one told us about contraception. We made plans, even though we were young and still at school. There was pressure from various bodies to not have the birth or to put the child up for adoption but we never seriously considered those as options. I was earning money from paper rounds and working weekends on a pig farm and I was looking forward to becoming a dad. Sadly, after a lot of parental pressure, my girlfriend went and had a termination without talking to me first. I only got to know about it after the event. I was devastated. I swore I would never get another woman pregnant again and I never have. I dont have children of my own.
Fast forward a few years.
Things got out of hand and my life was spiralling out of control. Drink, drugs and crime took over and unless something changed I was not going to last long. I lost my freedom and my self respect. So I moved away to a new life in a new city. I have never been one for plans or goals or ambitions. I have drifted through life taking whatever it threw at me. I met a divorced woman who had a young boy of 5 and we got on well. Me and the boy loved playing football together and kerby. I got the chance to work in Canada so I took that chance and left the woman and boy behind. But i missed then so much, after a few months I came back to the UK and started seeing the woman again. We have been together ever since. Never married, but she has been there once and he cheated on her. Neither of us were bothered about a piece of paper and gold rings. The boy I treated as my own. We were close and once he told me he wished I was his real dad. That was the greatest compliment anyone could have given me regarding being a parent. Shit I made mistakes, I got things wrong. But overall, we did a good job of raising a very decent human being.
Fast forward a few more years.
Our boy now has his own little family. He gave us the most fantastic gift anyone could ever have given us. A beautiful granddaughter, born the day after Christmas. They are a lovely family unit. I am not related to any of them by law, but the little one only knows me as her grandad. We are the only grandparents she has left. My partner and her have a bond that nothing could ever break. She will and is growing into a fine young woman in her own right and we could not be any prouder of her if we tried. Our boy and his partner are both intelligent people, work hard and have a good life. We love them all dearly.
I became ill not long after the little one was born. After leaving hospital, I have never been the old me. After a few years, the mental health issues started and I made my first attempt at ending my own life. Our boy and my partner were caught in the crossfire but have always supported me. But the little one knows nothing of my troubles. But when times have been at their worst, she has managed to do what no one else has been able to do. She got through to me in ways no one else can. She is innocent, she is not responsible for the ills of this world or for my problems. But she is probably the best and only form of therapy that has kept me going. After lengthy discussions with my partner about how me not being here would affect the little one, I gave my word that I would do my best, each and every day, to stay alive, for her. She is my reason to keep going. Without her in my life, I have no doubts whatsoever, I would not be here. There have been times when I got no joy from being around her. The guilt of that is a very heavy burden to carry. Only someone who has been in that position can know how difficult it is. I want out of this life, but after seeing what losing her other grandma did to her last year, how can I be responsible for doing that to her again?
So before you jump on the anti natal bandwagon and shout at us all about how we should not have kids, understand that to some of us, children are the greatest gifts of them all. I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for my granddaughter. How many people in your life can you say that about? Most people I would not piss on if they were on fire. I do not have a great deal of time for most people because they are self centred for the most part. But I am old and cynical. My little one is young and naive. She deserves our love and compassion and our protection until such time that she is able to stand on her own two feet and look after herself. I can only begin to imagine what anguish parents who are suicidal must go through on a daily basis. They deserve our empathy and compassion as well, not our judgement on whether its right or wrong to bring their children into this world. Our children are our future and I hope they can do a better job than we have managed so far as a so called civilisation.
Anyone who manages to read all this can argue, debate, express what ever opinions they have on the matter, it will never, ever, change the way I feel about my boy or my little one. It has been my privilege to have them in my life.
