Venting Childhood

[strawberrypinkloves]

I can't tell what my childhood was like. I want to romanticize it, to smell it like a rose and imagine it was something better. But I can't. I can barely remember what my parents were like. A part of me knows what they did to me was no thing a child should experience, but another part of me thinks it's part of growing up. I want to list these experiences. Are these normal? Are they abnormal? I don't know. I don't know what a healthy relationship with family would look like. For context, parents are immigrants. They've worked hard to get where they are, and a section of me feels guilty for even having the hint of the idea that they were even abusive to me. But another part is vindictive—hateful. I hate what they did to me. And I hate them. I find myself bursting into tears at night mourning what could have been. They aren't always like this, but it's enough times to make me wonder if there's something wrong with me. Here's a list of events, or things that happened to me.

• I distinctly don't remember hanging out with my dad ever. he'd get pizza for us every Friday, after elementary school, but that lasted for around a month. He's never hung out with me or my siblings since. Never have the words "I love you" came from his mouth directed at me or my siblings. Maybe those words are more foreign than the country we came from. But from what I see- he prefers hanging out at bars with his friends instead of his children.
• The bars. my dad would make me and my sister go to a popular bar with him. We spent our entire summer there. We'd be there until 12 sometimes. or until my mom would get off of work to pick us up. I remember getting yelled at for asking to leave to much, or threatened with a beating. I don't remember much. I just remember trying to get my dad's attention in someway and it never working. I can't remember if I was beat for it. I don't want to.
• He's threatened to kill my mom before, mid argument. I remember waking up to the sounds of them physically fighting, hiding under the covers of my blanket or trying to soothe my sibling. It happened in our old house, and the new one. I used to keep count, but now I'm scared to know what number that'll be. He made my mom's foot bleed pretty badly. I stumbled across a picture of the impact on her device. I couldn't look at it for long. it's a rare thing either, for him to get this sudden intense anger, an anger that is much more like an intense oceanic wave rather than a gradual build up. I accidentally scratched the walls with my instrument: he threatened to gauge my eyes out. My sibling made snide remarks: he threatened to beat them and yelled as he paraded the entire family out, saying that "he should never be disrespected again. I'll beat you if you pull this little stunt again" all in public. No one said anything. It hurt.
• I answered yes a little loudly to him in public, he threatened to beat me.I talked back when he wanted to sit at the head of the table, threatened to beat me. I said I wasn't finished washing the dishes, slapped me. My cousins still laugh at that event like it's a funny story. It hurts.
• The worst. I couldn't lock an important chest he had. He never taught me. He proceeded to beat me over it. I've never been beaten like that in my life. I was on the floor, he kicked me in the ribs. He punched my nose. I think it broke. I still have the bump in that area. I went upstairs. I thought I was going to die. I never did. I don't remember what words he said to me, but I felt like shit. Absolute shit.

I think there's more. I KNOW there's more. But I think it would hurt to list. I can't even bring myself to remember it all.

I think what hurts me most are the excuses. My mom never defended me. I received the worst hand of his punishment. And I never got an "I'm sorry" ever. I think that hurts more than any beating ever could. Sometimes I doubt myself. I don't know if I'm wrong.

My father can be a good man sometimes. He's good with his friends, he can be in good moods, he can make jokes that are, albeit not very funny. But I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it my fault these things happened to me? Was I just a disobedient child? Until this day, I don't know how to accept if I was abused, or if it even was abuse. Maybe I'm just using "Western" terms to describe discipline. I just want someone to listen to me for once. What counts as abuse? Is someone still abusive if they have the capacity to be jubilant not even a second after, as if nothing happened? Is it all because of me? Did I go wrong? Was I a bad child? What is truly wrong with me?

 

[Forever Sleep]

It definitely sounds like abuse to me. Asides from the actual physical violence, I don't think it's 'normal' to even threaten someone with violence. Especially over very minor misdemeanours.

All of what you described sounded pretty average of a child simply making mistakes or, occassionally pushing boundaries. We do become bored as children. It isn't reasinable to expect a child to stay content all day at a pub. So- all those reactions seemed very excessive to me.

Even if your Dad has a good side, knowing there is this other side to them is bound to constantly have caused a degree of fear/ tension. I don't even like working with people who become annoyed easily. That's not even violence or the threat of it. I just can't be botheted to have to walk on eggshells around people. It creates a horrible uneasy atmosphere the whole time.

I wouldn't say much of what you described was particularly normal or healthy. Sure, there will be worse parents out there but, I think it's pointless to compare really. It's more about how growing up in that environment has affected you.

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

It definitely sounds like abuse to me. Asides from the actual physical violence, I don't think it's 'normal' to even threaten someone with violence. Especially over very minor misdemeanours.

All of what you described sounded pretty average of a child simply making mistakes or, occassionally pushing boundaries. We do become bored as children. It isn't reasinable to expect a child to stay content all day at a pub. So- all those reactions seemed very excessive to me.

Even if your Dad has a good side, knowing there is this other side to them is bound to constantly have caused a degree of fear/ tension. I don't even like working with people who become annoyed easily. That's not even violence or the threat of it. I just can't be botheted to have to walk on eggshells around people. It creates a horrible uneasy atmosphere the whole time.

I wouldn't say much of what you described was particularly normal or healthy. Sure, there will be worse parents out there but, I think it's pointless to compare really. It's more about how growing up in that environment has affected you.

I think that's what runs through my mind when I think about these situations. It's not the textbook definition of child abuse— where you see a child on TV being physically punished, neglected, hurt. I was lucky enough to be born with a roof over my head and in a better country than where my parents were born. But I can't say it's had no effect on me. I hate talking to my dad. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He doesn't bother to make engaging conversation with my sibling and I either, much less spend any time with us. His alcohol drinking days have diminished, he no longer comes home at 5 or 6 AM slurring his words as I'm left to hear my parents argue. He still has this intense violence to him, you say one thing, you run the risk of being beat or threatened to be beatened. Now, he spends his days playing video games instead :,). He's done more things than mentioned on this list, but I'm unsure of the accuracy of things things I could report. Lots of this is reaching into the depths of my childhood memory, and there are some things I try to forget. Or my body tries to. Thank you so much for your insightful reply :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think that's what runs through my mind when I think about these situations. It's not the textbook definition of child abuse— where you see a child on TV being physically punished, neglected, hurt. I was lucky enough to be born with a roof over my head and in a better country than where my parents were born. But I can't say it's had no effect on me. I hate talking to my dad. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He doesn't bother to make engaging conversation with my sibling and I either, much less spend any time with us. His alcohol drinking days have diminished, he no longer comes home at 5 or 6 AM slurring his words as I'm left to hear my parents argue. He still has this intense violence to him, you say one thing, you run the risk of being beat or threatened to be beatened. Now, he spends his days playing video games instead :,). He's done more things than mentioned on this list, but I'm unsure of the accuracy of things things I could report. Lots of this is reaching into the depths of my childhood memory, and there are some things I try to forget. Or my body tries to. Thank you so much for your insightful reply :)

I think that's the crux of it really. Something doesn't have to be the worst of its type to still have a massive affect on a person. My childhood likely wasn't as rough as yours. Not from parents either. Mine was another family member. And mostly psychological/ emotional bullying- rather than physical. But still- it had profound effect on me- right to this day. It screws up how we develop when we're that young- surely.

I'm assuming you developed ideation fairly young as a result of all this? I began having suicidal thoughts aged 10. So- whatever the cause- that can't be normal!

I think there are other related issues to. Maybe your feeling that your Mum didn't stand up for you was similar to how I sometimes felt about my Dad. Which then gives us the sense that we can't trust people or, rely on them to protect us. When it's the very people who should protect us over anyone else- I just think that gives us a shakey start in life. Because- if we can't trust them, who else have we got?

Do you still live with your parents or, were you able to move away? Are you close to your sibling? I imagine that relationship could be very important, seeing as you both likely have experienced or witnessed similar things.

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

Not very close to any of them, but I have quite a bit of friends. No one to calI a "best friend" though. I make friends easily, but I find it difficult to discuss intimate aspects of my life without seeming overbearing. I think a part of me is fearful that just like my mother, they won't listen to me. I don't know if my friends would be comfortable seeing this side of me, or if I'd be comfortable letting them.

I had thoughts when I was young, Imagining how many people would attend my funeral if I were to die. What people I would want to attend, how people would react. Sometimes I still do, but it takes more in the shape of "if I die, I hope to be a better person when I wake up. Live a better life." As of right now, I live relatively close to home, so I joke and talk often with my sibling. However, we don't discuss deeper topics such as this one. But I've told them how I feel about our parents.

Something that definitely strained my relationship with family is when I was much younger, my parents made me attend an academically intense institution. Think of ones that require you to study for hours on end everyday, glamorized as making a child automatically successful. It certainly didn't help me family relationship wise that's for sure, because at that age when I begged to leave the school because of the intense stress, you guessed it, I got yelled at, and my feelings disrespected. I spent most of my teenage years studying, rather than hanging out with friends.

They seem to wonder why I don't like hanging out with them any more. It's a little frustrating even. I find myself giving them a chance sometimes only for the cycle to be repeated. I just feel like my trust in them has been broken to many times, and I wouldn't be able to approach the topic with them without being met with aggression.

Not very close to any of them, but I have quite a bit of friends. No one to calI a "best friend" though. I make friends easily, but I find it difficult to discuss intimate aspects of my life without seeming overbearing. I think a part of me is fearful that just like my mother, they won't listen to me. I don't know if my friends would be comfortable seeing this side of me, or if I'd be comfortable letting them.

I had thoughts when I was 10, maybe a little younger, Imagining how many people would attend my funeral if I were to die. What people I would want to attend, how people would react. Sometimes I still do, but it takes more in the shape of "if I die, I hope to be a better person when I wake up. Live a better life." As of right now, I live relatively close to home, so I joke and talk often with my sibling. However, we don't discuss deeper topics such as this one. But I've told them how I feel about our parents.

Something that definitely strained my relationship with family is when I was much younger, my parents made me attend an academically intense institution. Think of ones that require you to study for hours on end everyday, glamorized as making a child automatically successful. It certainly didn't help me family relationship wise that's for sure, because at that age when I begged to leave the school because of the intense stress, you guessed it, I got yelled at, and my feelings disrespected. I spent most of my teenage years studying, rather than hanging out with friends.

They seem to wonder why I don't like hanging out with them any more. It's a little frustrating even. I find myself giving them a chance sometimes only for the cycle to be repeated. I just feel like my trust in them has been broken to many times, and I wouldn't be able to approach the topic with them without being met with aggression.

 

[nendn]

sounds abusive,

Forever Sleep very thanks for your reply. You wrote "I don't even like working with people who become annoyed easily. That's not even violence or the threat of it. I just can't be botheted to have to walk on eggshells around people. It creates a horrible uneasy atmosphere the whole time."
what work could be.
This forum is helpful.
Never worked , sad to say.
I have a lunch break now.