Childhood and Teenage Years is Living, Adulthood is Existing

[TheGoodGuy]

I want to see if anyone feel the same way so I posted a little part from my journal but maybe it´s just me..

You truly live in childhood and teenage years by the grace of all the emotions and hormones, by ignorance, naiveté, hope and so much passion for everything in adulthood living ends because there are no more emotions, passions, hope, ignorance all the mysteries has been solved "life" now is just existing, get an education or a job to pay bills and food, there are no free time anymore it´s all about sustaining yourself but for what purpose? Living is over so why go on just to exist in a boring, mundane trivial world where every day is the same and you never will experience the same amount of fun, excitement, freedom, hope and mystery in life as you experienced as a teen.

A little depth into this: Childhood was obviously paradise on Earth with unlimited happiness so not much to explain there, teenage years was rough emotionally especially if you like me had depression and suicidal thoughts but I still lived! As a teenager you feel everything so intense because of all the teenage hormones, the passions are so strong you are still very ignorant and naive about the world e.g. i am sure many would never leave their house without styling their hair just for the small chance (naiveté) that you might walk past a girl that would approach you, maybe even kiss you I even carried a condom in my wallet for this very reason of course it never happened but looking back it felt so good to be so naive because it was what gave so much hope to it all.

Even stuff like video games were so interesting and I would have so much fun and be so excited playing video games with friends in my teens e.g. Battlefield Bad Company 2, Counter Strike Source, Day of Defeat Source etc. now I don´t feel anything.

Playing airsoft gun in the early to mid teens with friends just the thrill of opening the first package and inspect my first airsoft pistol was so exciting and all the airsoft wars we had with friends sometimes even being 3-4 per team it was so thrilling so much fun!

And I am sure a lot of people in here have tried Cannabis (weed) I still remember when I smoked weed with friends and had so amazing times, just the thrill of buying a gram of hash back then made me feel like the biggest criminal literally EVERYTHING so was exhilarating as a teenager there were so many new experiences to discover just like being a curious child exploring the world only this is a more grownup form of it.
The feeling of it finally being Friday so I could meet up with a group of friends and smoke weed all weekend, buying munchies, watching movies, looking to see who could smoke the biggest bowls, waking up and wake n´ bake immediately after waking up sorrounded by friends and continue the day smoking and having fun.

And now as an adult no more emotions, no fun, joy, excitement or thrill life is boring and ALL the money I have goes to paying bills, food, household items and other boring necesities "life" now is literally just existing, where I as a child and teenager used to live life i now only exist I have no friends anymore they are all gone and I haven´t made any new and fun experiences since I was 17-18 (7-8 years ago) So I can say my social life ended at around 17 but i could still feel emotions like sadness and excitement at 18-19 so to be on the safe side you could say life ends at 20

Childhood and Teenage Years is Living, Adulthood is Existing

Life ends at 20

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Well sounds like you had a great childhood. I don't know what that is. Mine was filled with being beat with extension cords or belts by my parents until I bled, then going to a foster home for a year and being fucked by adult men 2x my age one of whom was my adult foster brother, my family trying to throw me in a group home from which I escaped, only to move in with a man 2x my age who beat me for 2 years. Then finally being "blessed" to move into a domestic violence shelter 8 days after my 18th birthday. I would have given anything for your childhood. But instead I begged for adulthood where I could be free to determine my own direction in life.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but at 20 there is so much you can do because you have youth on your side. Those crappy friends go away and then you choose real ones who can relate to you. You get to choose where you go, how you spend your money and have opportunities to travel. Maybe you should look into finding a hobby or getting a trade so you can increase your income. Then that's when you may have a chance at "real" happiness or a continuation of the happiness you once felt.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

the only thing I miss from childhood is my bravery to be careless because there were "almost" no real consequences. I understood that even as a kid if I could keep out of jail not much else really mattered.

This was false of course but I did not know it then and lived my life as such. Still, as an adult I am paralyzed with fear that simply never existed as a kid. In hindsight it may have been my being careless as a kid and even young adult that led me here but that's the kind of attitude where as an adult you would really either fall hard or succeed. Either of those would be an improvement for me.

Still, life ending at 20? not for me. In fact until I was out of high school (16 for me) life had not even really started. I spent 16-26ish in a perpetual party.

Still, it was really that last 6 years that counted. I imagine had I made better choices those connections would still be with me.

TLDR: life does not start until you have a little of your own money/freedom imo

 

[Crematedashes]

I've been existing as opposed to living since 13. My teenage years were not at all carefree and happy.

 

[not_a_robot]

No way. Opposite for me.
Childhood and teens, you have no autonomy, you don't even know who you are yet because excessive breeder-neurochemicals and other people's bullshit combined make your emotions swing you around like a cat by it's tail. Only with the detachment possible in
adulthood can one ever get any peace from that, *if they want it*, and even then, they have to want it enough to work at it. The world constantly intrudes. Your own biology drives you to stay involved, fulfill your breeder-imperative.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I try and reach out to see if anyone comes close to feeling like I do and as always no one does I am the ONLY one in the entire world that experience current "life" as I do no one understands how it is to only experience apathy and anhedonia to feel no emotions, excitement or pleasure from anything even things that used to fill me with such passion makes me feel zero now.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I try and reach out to see if anyone comes close to feeling like I do and as always no one does I am the ONLY one in the entire world that experience current "life" as I do no one understands how it is to only experience apathy and anhedonia to feel no emotions, excitement or pleasure from anything even things that used to fill me with such passion makes me feel zero now.

I feel that way today but I'm 2x your age. When I felt that at 20's, 30's I took a step back then found things that I always wanted to do to bring happiness. I was into dancing, motorcycles, traveling, university and a host of other things that brought real pleasure even if it was temporary. You haven't mentioned that you've tried lots of things so I'm not sure how to help. All of that was after a treacherous experience as a teenager. I just know that for me at 20's I had a real moments of happiness and I know I'd be in a different place had my childhood been more like yours.

Yes!!! Depression sucks!!! But at your age you have a chance. Your experience is your own but there are only a handful of things you can do:

1. try to fix it therapeutically
2. try new things
3. CTB
4. or just wander through life miserably <-----------------I wouldn't choose this thats for sure

Seek treatment, medication, and look for social groups in your town for people with mental health issues. Outside of that all we can do here is offer empathy because most of us are in the same boat. Depression is an endless loop that's hard to break but it may help even to try to take a 5 minute run around the block to get the endorphins going. You never know that may be the start of a new beginning. Sending some hugs your way...

 

[stupidmansuit]

I 100% relate to OP, those teenage years were the best, weed was new and exciting, girls, parties, everyone getting cars and driving, music, fast food drive-throughs, stealing booze, but then when you reach a certain point, things become routine, people start fucking each other over, people move away, start having kids, responsibilities, and 'reality' sets in.

 

[TimeToDie]

I 100% relate to OP, those teenage years were the best, weed was new and exciting, girls, parties, everyone getting cars and driving, music, fast food drive-throughs, stealing booze, but then when you reach a certain point, things become routine, people start fucking each other over, people move away, start having kids, responsibilities, and 'reality' sets in.

Girls & parties? I have heard of that, though never experienced it due to social phobia that kept me all alone by myself as a child and then as a teen (and then as a young adult and now as a middle-aged guy).

 

[Suicidal4Ever]

Go to school til you graduate
Work til you die

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

I try and reach out to see if anyone comes close to feeling like I do and as always no one does I am the ONLY one in the entire world that experience current "life" as I do no one understands how it is to only experience apathy and anhedonia to feel no emotions, excitement or pleasure from anything even things that used to fill me with such passion makes me feel zero now.

I am in complete sympathy to your sentiments. Thinking about my youth the whole time. I am missing the past as well. Unfortunately one can't turn back the clock.

 

[Xaphous]

Girls & parties? I have heard of that, though never experienced it due to social phobia that kept me all alone by myself as a child and then as a teen (and then as a young adult and now as a middle-aged guy).

Same. Missed out on everything so it's just increasingly worse existence

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

Same. Missed out on everything so it's just increasingly worse existence

How old are you man?

 

[Xaphous]

How old are you man?

29, isolated since 16.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I feel that way today but I'm 2x your age. When I felt that at 20's, 30's I took a step back then found things that I always wanted to do to bring happiness. I was into dancing, motorcycles, traveling, university and a host of other things that brought real pleasure even if it was temporary. You haven't mentioned that you've tried lots of things so I'm not sure how to help. All of that was after a treacherous experience as a teenager. I just know that for me at 20's I had a real moments of happiness and I know I'd be in a different place had my childhood been more like yours.

Yes!!! Depression sucks!!! But at your age you have a chance. Your experience is your own but there are only a handful of things you can do:

1. try to fix it therapeutically
2. try new things
3. CTB
4. or just wander through life miserably <-----------------I wouldn't choose this thats for sure

Seek treatment, medication, and look for social groups in your town for people with mental health issues. Outside of that all we can do here is offer empathy because most of us are in the same boat. Depression is an endless loop that's hard to break but it may help even to try to take a 5 minute run around the block to get the endorphins going. You never know that may be the start of a new beginning. Sending some hugs your way...

Literally every single thing you said there was wrong..

-I don´t have depression I used to have depressionthroughout my teens so I know what that feels like I experience apathy.

-If you knew my older posts you would also know I have terrible health which means I can´t do things normal people like you can, I can´t even eat properly and I am allergic to almost every thing, my 82 year old grandpa has better health than me.

I suffer from anhedonia so I can´t feel pleasure or joy from hobbies not even new ones I don´t even enjoy sexual stimulation I literally can´t experience any fun, pleasure, joy or excitement.

- I can´t talk to a psychologist because I legally own guns so the government will take them away if I seek "help" the government literally have put me in check mate if they wouldn´t take them away from me I would 100% talk to a psychologist.

I 100% relate to OP, those teenage years were the best, weed was new and exciting, girls, parties, everyone getting cars and driving, music, fast food drive-throughs, stealing booze, but then when you reach a certain point, things become routine, people start fucking each other over, people move away, start having kids, responsibilities, and 'reality' sets in.

Damn this hits me right in the heart. We used to live life and everything was so exciting and new now everything is boring, mundane, trivial existence and many people I used to know are having children which makes me wanna blow my brains out because it´s such a hard reality check about how old I have become.

 

[Soul]

My childhood was awful, my teens and early 20s were depressed and suicidal. Then I got out of that, and my adult life has been full of worthwhile experiences.

Reading y'all's descriptions of carefree exciting childhood and adolescence vividly reminds me how alien and maladapted I felt throughout my first 25 years or so. It's painful for you to recall it, but also painful not to have experienced anything like that.

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

29, isolated since 16.

I am 29 too. Wow, glad to see so many older people. How did you end up here? I am unable to vie your posts and profile for some reason. What made you depressed? What are you struggling with daily? Tell us more about who you are.

 

[TimeToDie]

- I can´t talk to a psychologist because I legally own guns so the government will take them away if I seek "help" the government literally have put me in check mate if they wouldn´t take them away from me I would 100% talk to a psychologist.

How is there any risk of gun seizure so long as you avoid saying something like "I plan to kill myself"? I've heard this same fear from my fellow gun owners before, but I'm failing to see the problem. This isn't like the UK or Australia where you have to provide references & a note from your doctor to certify that it's OK for you to have guns.

I take gun rights very seriously and most of my estate is going to defend gun rights.

 

[TAW122]

My childhood and teenage years were utter hell. Home life and school life sucked for the most part. While there were some tolerable and momentary memories here and there, it was still mostly hell and sucked for the most part. Adult life (college and beyond) was generally mundane, it wasn't as bad, but due to my lack of proper social development appropriate to my age group (early 20's to late 20's), playing catch up is a nightmare and a fool's errand at best. Nowadays, I am mainly just chasing my own goals and what not. I can't say that my adult life (currently age 28) is as bad as childhood and teenage years, it is certainly better, but I don't wake up and look forward to 'life'. I just exist and find happiness and joy here and there. When it gets too much for me, then I'll just check out of this life.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

How is there any risk of gun seizure so long as you avoid saying something like "I plan to kill myself"? I've heard this same fear from my fellow gun owners before, but I'm failing to see the problem. This isn't like the UK or Australia where you have to provide references & a note from your doctor to certify that it's OK for you to have guns.

I take gun rights very seriously and most of my estate is going to defend gun rights.

I live in Denmark so it doesn´t take much to take them away since the government doesn´t see guns as a right but a privilege. The chairman of the gun club literally have the right to revoke my gun license if he just start to see odd behavior like alcohol or drug addiction or warning signs.

And for mental illnesses I am not sure where the line is, I know a person´s guns will be taken away if a person has depression or is suicidal but I don´t know about anxiety, autism, aspergers, bipolar etc. and I am sure I will be diagnoses with several mental illnesses if I decide to open up. I would really love to if we lived in a free world where it was allowed to have mental problems and still own guns but we arents so I have to keep it to myself.

 

[TimeToDie]

I live in Denmark so it doesn´t take much to take them away since the government doesn´t see guns as a right but a privilege. The chairman of the gun club literally have the right to revoke my gun license if he just start to see odd behavior like alcohol or drug addiction or warning signs.

And for mental illnesses I am not sure where the line is, I know a person´s guns will be taken away if a person has depression or is suicidal but I don´t know about anxiety, autism, aspergers, bipolar etc. and I am sure I will be diagnoses with several mental illnesses if I decide to open up. I would really love to if we lived in a free world where it was allowed to have mental problems and still own guns but we arents so I have to keep it to myself.

Oh, I had just assumed you were American since it's so rare to come across gun owners in other nations. Here alcoholism most certainly doesn't get in the way of gun ownership. You can be a drunk who blacks out his front lawn every night and you can still lawfully own automatic weapons (yes, that's actually true). If you dare to smoke pot, and are dumb enough to admit that on ATF 4473, then you can't buy a gun from a dealer. Though pot smokers could still buy from private individuals in most states since background checks are not required for private sales in most states. I read how Hawaii cross referenced their list of registered gun owners with their list of medical marijuana users recently and sent a letter to all those who appeared on both lists to turn in their guns (the vast majority of states can't do this as they have no gun registry, and the federal government is prohibited from making any registry).

I knew an Australian gun owner with social anxiety and he told me how they needed a doctor to certify that they are "fit and proper" to own guns. He also had to be an active member of a gun club and had all sorts of onerous restrictions that Americans would never tolerate. I'm not at all convinced that guns are dangerous in the hands of depressed folks. In fact, having a hobby like sport shooting is probably a good outlet for a depressed gun owner. Certainly better than taking away something they love, only to make them feel even more down.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Oh, I had just assumed you were American since it's so rare to come across gun owners in other nations. Here alcoholism most certainly doesn't get in the way of gun ownership. You can be a drunk who blacks out his front lawn every night and you can still lawfully own automatic weapons (yes, that's actually true). If you dare to smoke pot, and are dumb enough to admit that on ATF 4473, then you can't buy a gun from a dealer. Though pot smokers could still buy from private individuals in most states since background checks are not required for private sales in most states. I read how Hawaii cross referenced their list of registered gun owners with their list of medical marijuana users recently and sent a letter to all those who appeared on both lists to turn in their guns (the vast majority of states can't do this as they have no gun registry, and the federal government is prohibited from making any registry).

I knew an Australian gun owner with social anxiety and he told me how they needed a doctor to certify that they are "fit and proper" to own guns. He also had to be an active member of a gun club and had all sorts of onerous restrictions that Americans would never tolerate. I'm not at all convinced that guns are dangerous in the hands of depressed folks. In fact, having a hobby like sport shooting is probably a good outlet for a depressed gun owner. Certainly better than taking away something they love, only to make them feel even more down.

I am very anti government and I don´t believe there should be laws forced upon people that is tyranny, as soon as you make 1 single law freedom seize to exist so if a man owning semi-automatic rifles passes out on his lawn so what? It is HIS life people should mind there own business!

And I have heard about the problem with gun owners and pot, again I don´t believe in laws and rules I think all drugs shouldn´t be illegal in the first place and for pot smokers to be punished for owning guns while the recreational alcohol drinkers doesn´t is hypocrisy especially because alcohol is one of the hardest drugs on the planet, but it´s "legal" so it´s okay.

And the Australian you describe sounds a lot like Denmark where you have to be an active member of a gun club for 2 years meaning shooting at least 6 times per year, then you can apply for a gun license where the police will do a background check, criminal and mental background if you passes this you can get a gun license and the chairman of the gun club has to co sign for the license too. And then you have to continue being an active member of the gun club shooting 6 times a year or the license will be revoked.

And shooting is VERY relaxing and therapeutic I know this won´t make sense to a lot of people but it really is, and it´s the last hobby I have left, I don´t enjoy anything anymore not even video games which I have played since childhood and I don´t get any thrill from shooting I just enjoy it and feel so relaxed on the way home like a small endorphine rush after a workout. So when people online don´t get why I don´t want to get "help" then it means to give up my last hobby and also a quick way of ctb if I ever wanted to. I also don´t have any friends so the little social interaction I get at the gun club those 2 times per months can be very nice sometimes.

 

[262653]

Hahaha! More like ignorance in my case, repression of personal feelings, more ignorance, videogame addiction, even more ignorance, lack of hope, dreams, passions, huge-ass tank of ignorance, feeblemindedness... I wish I would start journaling back then to validate my experience in my own eyes. It was pure hell when I wasn't even thinking of suicide, when I had absolutely no consideration to what I truly want from this life. Now, still leeching off my family, I have all free time I ever hoped to have. It doesn't have to be devoted on activities that aren't aligned with my wants like school or job. Job... why in hell would I want to trade my dependency on family for dependency on doing boring, monotonous job for a half of my awake time?

Its not a fairy tale, but it surely wasn't before.

Even stuff like video games were so interesting and I would have so much fun and be so excited playing video games with friends in my teens e.g. Battlefield Bad Company 2, Counter Strike Source, Day of Defeat Source etc. now I don´t feel anything.

I can relate to the video games part though, probably even too much. I liked action shooters. I sometimes daydream about flying over some world maps, like in spectator mode. I'm considering taking a journey through TES 3-5 before ctb.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

why in hell would I want to trade my dependency on family for dependency on doing boring, monotonous job for a half of my awake time?

Agree although I have never fully relied on my parents for money as an adult but I don´t get why people would rather spend half of their awake time i.e. pretty much all their life working a job they don´t like I went down with depression only after working 1½ month 10 hours a day 5 days a week realizing that I´d have to do this for the rest of my life and I came to this realization after only 1-2 weeks I don´t get what is so great about being able to fund your own life if you have to slave it away just to sustain yourself.

Even stuff like video games were so interesting and I would have so much fun and be so excited playing video games with friends in my teens e.g. Battlefield Bad Company 2, Counter Strike Source, Day of Defeat Source etc. now I don´t feel anything.

Same here I feel nothing I have desperately tried going back to these games most recently Day of Defeat and Battlefield 2 but it´s not the same I also tried Bad Company 2 but even without apathy games will never be the same as in their primes like most people will argue that "you can still play it there are still servers online" but as I said they will never be the same as in their prime back when they first came out for several reasons; Back then they were the best of the best in graphics, physics and gameplay many of them arent anymore secondly there are players who never stopped playing those games they have thousands of hours take Battlefield games for example you will be killed none stop by helicopters and jets they will easily rank up 100+ kills without cheating just because they are that good when the games first came out everyone started from practically zero of course we had played previous titles or FPS games but we were still new to this game so everyone was more or less equal.

That is also why I have considered maybe not buying a gaming PC because there are so many games I have missed out on over the years and since they are out of their prime I will be a noob fighting experts, like everyone is hating the battleroyale games but I never tried that experience and really can´t because I missed the time it was in its prime also because of my apathy I most likely won´t like it so buying a new PC would just be a desperate hope to like video games again but if I don´t like the ones I have tried now why would I like the new ones just because of better graphics? Back as a child and teenager games were so new and exciting now every game is basically the same if you have played a few FPS games you know what to expect there are no surprises.

it´s like watching movies or series it isn´t fun anymore nothing surprises me I know if the main characters looks to die or even die that they magically survive or get revive to "subvert" the audience but I already knew that would happen everything is so predictable and therefor boring the only thing I enjoy was a few years ago I watched Game of Thrones because they changed the whole game you thought you knew the main character and bang he/she is dead sometimes not even a big reveal it could happen like it would to any other side character so it was new to me but now nothing is.

 

[terry_a_davis]

My childhood and up to aged 19 was a bit rubbish. I'm naturally quite shy, i didn't have much confidence or many friends. Aged 18 i started working out at home for a few months then joined a gym. My body started changing and my confidence improved. I socialised more, made new friends, and met girls and it all went from there. I had a really good 20s and part of my 30s.

I think it's possible if i wouldn't have started working out my story might be similar to some of those on here debilitated by social anxiety/low esteem never experiencing love and friendship and socialising.

 

[262653]

@TheGoodGuy

Even stuff like video games were so interesting and I would have so much fun and be so excited playing video games with friends in my teens e.g. Battlefield Bad Company 2, Counter Strike Source, Day of Defeat Source etc. now I don´t feel anything.

I'm surprised I wrote it, now that I re-read my post... I never played Bad Company 2 or Day of Defeat... Turns out I tried to quote your line. I did play BF: Vietnam and Team Fortress 2 though.

I just recently completed Serious Sam, First and Second Comings, was quite a blast. It's a single-player, brain-dead shooter with awesome music, monsters, secrets and levels. Serious Sam II is too easy and cartoonish for my taste... I just recently installed Painkiller, it's shares the aforementioned qualities with Serious Sam but otherwise more dark and demonic.

Talking about unpredictable, I liked Attack on Titan (anime, first season) and Berserk (anime, the old one) in that regard. Never watched GoT before. Yes, I never watched GoT before.

Maybe VR games could revitalize your interest? Do you know about Blade and Sorcery? I watched some YT videos and the game looks really cool. I wonder what the future generation of video games will bring... not enough to stay here of course

Predictability is probably why I don't have any interest in story driven games/movies. Luckily, not every game or movie revolves around story. Some games have a nice gameplay, "open-world" games allow to roam around and do side quests (which are not so predictable). Some movies are comedies, they might be fun to watch even if the story isn't impressive. League is pure gameplay but it's way too competitive for me, requires farm to be relevant unless you play support... there will be URF mode in about a week, it removes a lot of restrictions and micromanaging. I find it a lot of fun to play whenever it comes around.

About job. I'm not saying that being independent from the family should be discouraged. I shared my views forged from my experience. For some people the families they've grown in are way too poisonous, or maybe they have an idea what kind of work they would find fulfilling.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Predictability is probably why I don't have any interest in story driven games/movies. Luckily, not every game or movie revolves around story. Some games have a nice gameplay, "open-world" games allow to roam around and do side quests (which are not so predictable). Some movies are comedies, they might be fun to watch even if the story isn't impressive. League is pure gameplay but it's way too competitive for me, requires farm to be relevant unless you play support... there will be URF mode in about a week, it removes a lot of restrictions and micromanaging. I find it a lot of fun to play whenever it comes around.

I don´t really know any of the games you mentioned but I am very picky when it comes to games, series and movies. And I wish I really liked the huge open world games like Skyrim, Witcher 3, and especially World of Warcraft since my brother and some previous friends and people I have talked to online get so addicted to these games especially WOW but I have really never been interested in the RPG games only Battleon Adventure Quest as a child I was extremely into that game other than that I like realism except I liked the Early days Star Wars games and mostly play shooter games. VR games could be interesting but I don´t it is quite there yet to give a great experience the videos always seem to be so clunky with the mechanics and I don´t like the controllers it would ruin the immersion, if they developed gloves instead of those weird controllers it would be way more immersive.

Competetive games is a good cope for a while or used to, like I used to play CS GO I had 1900 hours but after my previous friends stopped playing it was just solo que and people are so insanely toxic and 99.9999% of the time I will be qued with Russians who refuse to speak English and then all the hackers I also get too competetive myself.

And I agree with the comedy movies that is my favorite genre even though I don´t really laugh because of apathy then I still know when it is funny and these movies are more unpredictable at least the jokes are.

Also I seem to suck at games compared to when I was younger but that is normal that children and teenagers usually are better at video games but it bothers me because as a child or teenager I would feel I was extremely good even if I didn´t have the top score because maybe I got a few awesome kills in a round and felt on fire now I know I am mediocre or even suck depending on the game.