Changing behaviors and feeling even more alone...

[Tegan_sky]

I've posted here before about how lonely I am. I've gotten real support here from people who have been or are, in the same places I am, felt the same as I have felt. I started realizing there really is a need for me to stop the people pleasing, the chasing people in vain, the compulsive need to be liked, SO much. I had started reading the daily message book "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. She is a writer who is knowledgeable about codependency. So much in that book about setting boundaries, saying no, doing self care, so much resonated I checked out some CoDependents Anonymous meetings online. And I related so much I have continued to attend the CoDA meetings. In this people pleasing and all I mentioned, I was getting literally physically ill from it, knowing I wanted to and needed to stop, becoming aware of what I was doing, yet continuing to do it.

So I ceased chasing people who won't return calls, stopped being peoples' free taxi service, stopped groveling to my VERY toxic aunt, did not go to the memorial for an uncle who cared nothing about me. That was setting a major limit, not going to his memorial. It was 30 miles away at a time that I am having great physical pain. I took care of myself and stayed home.

A point I guess I want to get to is, now I feel even MORE alone. Like if I don't chase, don't people please, don't bend over backwards to be liked, there will be no one. Whereas, I guess if I kept up the people pleasing and all of it, at least I could keep up an illusion that I have people. If I take precious little breadcrumbs due to my low self esteem, at least it's breadcrumbs, at least it's something. But if I take care of my self and think enough of myself to stop the chasing and all of it, then I have to face the fact: I'm ALONE.

it feels like, at least right now, either have self respect and self care, and face the fact that I'm alone. Or, keep being a doormat for everyone and keep the illusion that at least I have something, at least I have that precious little breadcrumbs. But even with all the dysfunctional behaviors I have mentioned I was doing, guess what? I was alone anyway.

 

[lostautist]

When I was in high school, I had similar feelings. I was always trying to keep everyone happy, being the life of the party, being the designated driver, treating people to meals, letting people sleep over, taking care of drunk kids, lending money etc... I just got pulled every direction at once by a lot of people and I started losing it. I tried distancing myself a few times, but I started getting a lot of emotional blackmail and peer pressure. I didn't know who my friends were and a lot of people were taking advantage of me and I stopped trusting everyone. I had really bad nervous breakdowns and basically disappeared for a number of months while I ignored everything and basically just cried and slept. Slowly, the people who were only around to use me started disappearing and the few people that were actually my friends had started to become concerned and pretty much none of the people that I thought were my friends stuck around and a few of those I thought were only there to take advantage of me ended up showing that I was wrong. I was mostly alone after that, but I did find out who my friends really were and to me that was worth it.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you. I was ruined for nearly a year but I was living with my parents, and while they really weren't a support structure, I didn't have to worry about a roof over my head. It changed me forever and I did get a lot better after I distanced myself. For me, being alone hurt but I ended the cycle of feeling constantly drained. I hope you find some peace any way that you can.

 

[timf]

It is OK to be a people pleaser with people who are worthy and can reciprocate. It is dangerous to be a people pleaser with people who are like vampires and suck the life out of you.

The key is both to be able to identify which is which and then to find those rare people, like yourself, that can give of themselves to build a healthy relationship.

If you want to avoid selfish people and have a chance to meet those who might be inclined to give rather than take, you might try a volunteer group or a church group. It is no guarantee, but it may shift the odds in you favor.

 

[noaccount]

I'm sorry this is happening Tegan, and I relate to it a lot.

Choosing healthier ways of living, with more integrity, taking care of myself, standing by my values... all have provoked other people to treat me worse than they would if I acted in self-destructive/self-sacrificing ways, or pretended not to notice patterns of abuse, or looked the other way or was generally a pushover.

Unfortunately it has happened on this forum too recently.

But, it is worth it because it is the only life-honoring path, and those who would be nice to me if I acted like a doormat would never be true friends or comrades anyway.

It is harder now than before the pandemic to branch out too but I hope you find people who respect you.

 

[Live Free or Die]

I've said this before, but I believe it especially relates to us here on this forum.

Being alone, no one can hurt you but yourself. The cost of this is loneliness. Being around others is to live in constant disappointment of their actions and always be let down.

At least, this is my own personal experience.

So, my only social interaction is work, out of necessity. When I'm not working I'm pretty much a hermit, recluse, whatever you wanna call it. No one ever disappoints me or lets me down because I'm the only one here :P

 

[RareSoul]

Tegan_sky, you have more or less the same thoughts as myself. I used to keep initiating contact with people all the time and fooling myself that they were my friends. But at some point I realised that there is something really wrong with this imbalance, and so I stopped contacting them. End result? I am utterly alone and in total despair. But to be honest, I wouldn't be ablo to go back to being a doormat and deluding myself that I have friends. Now for me, it's like - either real friends or none at all!

 

[Tegan_sky]

I've said this before, but I believe it especially relates to us here on this forum.

Being alone, no one can hurt you but yourself. The cost of this is loneliness. Being around others is to live in constant disappointment of their actions and always be let down.

At least, this is my own personal experience.

So, my only social interaction is work, out of necessity. When I'm not working I'm pretty much a hermit, recluse, whatever you wanna call it. No one ever disappoints me or lets me down because I'm the only one here :P
View attachment 84080

Thank you so much for the image, the ruling the kingdom of the five elements. I saved it. I do have conflict within myself. This writing speaks truth of that. I'll insert a picture here, the lesson I started to get months before going to Codependents Anonymous...


I really started to get it that maybe I was meant to stop chasing and that I was meant to do some healing. Now, I am facing the aloneness, but still, right now, lonely.

I want to thank you so much, again, for the picture of the writing you inserted.

 

[Live Free or Die]

Anytime. It's from a book on Buddhism by a very old monk who lived most of his life in a monastery and traveling the world teaching others what he knew. Thich Nhat Hanh.
I like the art on your image. I love photos and art of black and white flowers/forests. I probably have 10 different pieces of black and white art hanging in my apartment.

 

[GoldLeafIndigo]

I've posted here before about how lonely I am. I've gotten real support here from people who have been or are, in the same places I am, felt the same as I have felt. I started realizing there really is a need for me to stop the people pleasing, the chasing people in vain, the compulsive need to be liked, SO much. I had started reading the daily message book "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. She is a writer who is knowledgeable about codependency. So much in that book about setting boundaries, saying no, doing self care, so much resonated I checked out some CoDependents Anonymous meetings online. And I related so much I have continued to attend the CoDA meetings. In this people pleasing and all I mentioned, I was getting literally physically ill from it, knowing I wanted to and needed to stop, becoming aware of what I was doing, yet continuing to do it.

So I ceased chasing people who won't return calls, stopped being peoples' free taxi service, stopped groveling to my VERY toxic aunt, did not go to the memorial for an uncle who cared nothing about me. That was setting a major limit, not going to his memorial. It was 30 miles away at a time that I am having great physical pain. I took care of myself and stayed home.

A point I guess I want to get to is, now I feel even MORE alone. Like if I don't chase, don't people please, don't bend over backwards to be liked, there will be no one. Whereas, I guess if I kept up the people pleasing and all of it, at least I could keep up an illusion that I have people. If I take precious little breadcrumbs due to my low self esteem, at least it's breadcrumbs, at least it's something. But if I take care of my self and think enough of myself to stop the chasing and all of it, then I have to face the fact: I'm ALONE.

it feels like, at least right now, either have self respect and self care, and face the fact that I'm alone. Or, keep being a doormat for everyone and keep the illusion that at least I have something, at least I have that precious little breadcrumbs. But even with all the dysfunctional behaviors I have mentioned I was doing, guess what? I was alone anyway.

I was talking about just this sort of thing with a volunteer facilitator with a free online trauma group I attend. She was saying how she had to be completely alone after she quit chasing after people. I'm somewhat in that place myself, having learned from repeated experience that I can't depend on people for emotional support. They just shun and reject me.

But you know what? Fuck those people.

Let's enjoy limited time with acquaintances we actually have some things in common with, dump the fake friends and family, and seek out support and do our venting on anonymous forums like this and reddit.

I'm becoming convinced that having less fucks to give about shitty people is the key to mental health.