changed mind

[AdamOndiAhman]

i need to ctb asap. i cant stand this body any more. i can't stand what i see staring back at me in the mirror. i need to go. im sorry to my family that i let down. im sorry to my father who put so much time and effort into raising and caring for me. im going to ctb on my birthday coming up. i just failed overall. im so brain-dead from so much despair in my mind that i just cant begin to explain how much i fucked up. i just don't deserve to exist anymore. i was going to go out by co, but im too desperate to wait until i get all the materials necessary, so i changed my mind to partial hanging. im going on holiday with my father tomorrow and coming back a day before my birthday. i think this time away with my father is just a way of saying sorry and goodbye to him discreetly.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

i need to ctb asap. i cant stand this body any more. i can't stand what i see staring back at me in the mirror. i need to go. im sorry to my family that i let down. im sorry to my father who put so much time and effort into raising and caring for me. im going to ctb on my birthday coming up. i just failed overall. im so brain-dead from so much despair in my mind that i just cant begin to explain how much i fucked up. i just don't deserve to exist anymore.

I just wanted you to know that I can relate to this word for word. Wanting to cry from your own reflection is hell on earth. I am so sorry.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

is gender dysphoria a problem you suffer with i take it? I'm making a tad shot in the dark here. Talk to me what is your relationship like with your family? Have you talked to them or feel comfortable talking about your issues?

Don't think I'm trying to stand in your way or wishes to CTB btw i just wanna know whats going on in your head it seems your telling with alot of stress and pressure at the moment like your about to explode that your overwhelmed without a real outlet or someone to listen to you

 

[AdamOndiAhman]

I just wanted you to know that I can relate to this word for word. Wanting to cry from your own reflection is hell on earth. I am so sorry.

ive always had a problem with how i looked. ever since i was young i would get bullied for being and acting different. i wish the council would've listened to my mother and put me in a special needs school with my oldest brother. the first problem i had with my body was that it wasnt normal. or that i looked different than what normal ppl looked like. and then it just down spiraled into chaos. im talking bulimia, over exercising, starving then overeating. im just a mess from trying to change myself so that i fitted in. instead of just accepting my abnormalities, i just made them even worse. i shouldve been more like my down syndrome sister who doesnt give two shits about what ppl think of her. but its too late for shouldves or if onlys. i just need to go and not be a stain on my families name and reputation. all i ever wanted to be was to be happy with myself and feel comfortable in this body. but the more i tried to change it to fit other ppls expectations of me so that i could fit in with them, the more i lost my self. im just rambling but whatever. i feel thankful that you understand what its like to detest your own reflection.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

ive always had a problem with how i looked. ever since i was young i would get bullied for being and acting different. i wish the council would've listened to my mother and put me in a special needs school with my oldest brother. the first problem i had with my body was that it wasnt normal. or that i looked different than what normal ppl looked like. and then it just down spiraled into chaos. im talking bulimia, over exercising, starving then overeating. im just a mess from trying to change myself so that i fitted in. instead of just accepting my abnormalities, i just made them even worse. i shouldve been more like my down syndrome sister who doesnt give two shits about what ppl think of her. but its too late for shouldves or if onlys. i just need to go and not be a stain on my families name and reputation. all i ever wanted to be was to be happy with myself and feel comfortable in this body. but the more i tried to change it to fit other ppls expectations of me so that i could fit in with them, the more i lost my self. im just rambling but whatever. i feel thankful that you understand what its like to detest your own reflection.

I did the same! It's hell when it effects you from a young age. People don't understand how traumatic it is to feel alienated by your own body.

 

[AdamOndiAhman]

is gender dysphoria a problem you suffer with i take it? I'm making a tad shot in the dark here. Talk to me what is your relationship like with your family? Have you talked to them or feel comfortable talking about your issues?

Don't think I'm trying to stand in your way or wishes to CTB btw i just wanna know whats going on in your head it seems your telling with alot of stress and pressure at the moment like your about to explode that your overwhelmed without a real outlet or someone to listen to you

not gender dysphoria but body dysphoria. i just absolutely hate this body and the way it looks, from how one side of it is more defined than the other to my stuck out teeth and mismatched ears. i look like a freak of nature. i am a freak of my mortal nature.
i like my family. i have a large family and we had good times together as children, but now that we're grown up, we've sort of all went our own ways in life. i dont feel comfortable talking to them about anything tbh as they are too preoccupied with their own life and they wouldn't understand anyway.
i just thought that i could solve my problems by myself but the more i tried, the worse they got. my father always says to me that when i try to fix a thing, i end up breaking five in return. and thats pretty much what ive done to myself. except that five should be 1000s of things that ive messed up. all just from me trying to be content with my reflection. im too much of a mess to be fixed. its better i just put myself out of my misery.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

not gender dysphoria but body dysphoria. i just absolutely hate this body and the way it looks, from how one side of it is more defined than the other to my stuck out teeth and mismatched ears. i look like a freak of nature. i am a freak of my mortal nature.
i like my family. i have a large family and we had good times together as children, but now that we're grown up, we've sort of all went our own ways in life. i dont feel comfortable talking to them about anything tbh as they are too preoccupied with their own life and hey wouldn't understand anyway.
i just thought that i could solve my problems by myself but the more i tried, the worse they got. my father always says to me that when i try to fix a thing, i end up breaking five in return. and thats pretty much what ive done to myself. except that five should be 1000s of things that ive messed up. all just from me trying to be content with my reflection. im too much of a mess to be fixed. its better i just put myself out of my misery.

Without seeing you I can't comment on wether this is true or not but someone who has problems with their appearance themselves i can relate to you in that way

Again i don't fully know your relationship with them but it could be worth a try obviously not about CTB'ing but generally why your feeling as such although would they believe your body dysphoria idk

"Fix a thing to break 5" huh that sounds like me alright i fix a problem just to create more although hearing that from your father of all people sounds awful has your relationship with him ever been good?

And trust me i relate to your struggles and pain i really do

 

[AdamOndiAhman]

I did the same! It's hell when it effects you from a young age. People don't understand how traumatic it is to feel alienated by your own body.

yes and it was just my arrogance and pride that refused to let me accept it how it was. because i always felt just as of worth than any normal person, but i just wouldnt get treated the way i felt. so i tried and tried, time and time again i tried to make myself normal do that i could not only feel of worth to them mentally but also physically but i was just fighting a losing battle. i should've just swallowed my pride and accepted my situation. just like my down syndrome sister accepts her situation of being abnormal. but as i said, its too late for what ifs or if onlys.

has your relationship with him ever been good?

it was fine until he went overboard with his religion and started beating me because of it. but we're on somewhat good terms. just yesterday he shouted at me that i should just jump infront of a train because i was constantly expressing my distress to him about how much i fucked myself up and how i didnt see a future ahead of me where im happy with myself. all he ever wanted for me was for me to be successful in life. but i always believed that i never could live up to his idea of what me being successful is to him.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

yes and it was just my arrogance and pride that refused to let me accept it how it was. because i always felt just as of worth than any normal person, but i just wouldnt get treated the way i felt. so i tried and tried, time and time again i tried to make myself normal do that i could not only feel of worth to them mentally but also physically but i was just fighting a losing battle. i should've just swallowed my pride and accepted my situation. just like my down syndrome sister accepts her situation of being abnormal. but as i said, its too late for what ifs or if onlys.


it was fine until he went overboard with his religion and started beating me because of it. but we're on somewhat good terms. just yesterday he shouted at me that i should just jump infront of a train because i was constantly expressing my distress to him about how much i fucked myself up and how i didnt see a future ahead of me where im happy with myself. all he ever wanted for me was for me to be successful in life. but i always believed that i never could live up to his idea of what me being successful is to him.

You can always rely on parents to fuck you up. Some people should be forbidden from procreating.

I struggle with asymmetry of features as well! Pm me if you ever want to vent about it.