feast or famine
Tell Patient Zero he can have his rib back.
- Jun 15, 2020
- 313
This is a venting post. If you don't feel like reading, I don't blame you. This year has been awful for me. The last couple years have been an absolute shit show to be honest, but this year really took a turn for the worst.
I was in an abusive relationship where I got hooked on using cocaine with my ex. He sold and used the shit and I let myself get wrapped up in his world. It was difficult (that's an understatement) to leave, but I did it.
Within this same time frame, my mom's health declined. She was in and out of the hospital with respiratory issues and the doctors didn't think she'd make it. Thankfully, she did, but she's on oxygen now with heart problems and I don't know how much more she can take. She is only 62 which is young in my book.
On top of that, my mental health issues got out of contol going through all of these things so close together and I tried to off myself yet again a couple months ago which obviously wasn't successful. I landed in the hospital due to injuries for a week, then I was in the psych ward for 3 weeks.
While in there, I started to take Lexapro because they made me, but I've felt like it could be helping my depression. Not too long after getting out, I browsed here a lot and began to talk to a member who I became very close to, only for him to ctb on the phone with me which I wasn't aware of. He was someone dear to me and that's been the last major blow I've had after I've thought things were getting better.
Since then, I've still been taking my meds and focusing on some goals. One major goal is to finish my nursing program and classes just recently started again. The meds and focusing on goals has made me feel a lot better. My ctb plans are even on hold, although I have my SN if needed.
I'm at the point right now where I feel paranoid and I'm waiting for the next thing to go wrong. It's like any sort of contentment or peace I feel is somehow a bad thing because maybe I'm just kidding myself that things will get better. I'm on edge. I just don't think I could handle another major blow.
I'm venting here because who am I kidding, I really don't have friends. And the one person I could tell anything to isn't here anymore. I'm honestly just talking in circles at this point. It's late at night where I am and my mind is racing. I don't really know what I expect from posting this. I dont think I expect anything, it's just nice to get this shit off my chest. If anyone reads to this point, thanks. ❤
I was in an abusive relationship where I got hooked on using cocaine with my ex. He sold and used the shit and I let myself get wrapped up in his world. It was difficult (that's an understatement) to leave, but I did it.
Within this same time frame, my mom's health declined. She was in and out of the hospital with respiratory issues and the doctors didn't think she'd make it. Thankfully, she did, but she's on oxygen now with heart problems and I don't know how much more she can take. She is only 62 which is young in my book.
On top of that, my mental health issues got out of contol going through all of these things so close together and I tried to off myself yet again a couple months ago which obviously wasn't successful. I landed in the hospital due to injuries for a week, then I was in the psych ward for 3 weeks.
While in there, I started to take Lexapro because they made me, but I've felt like it could be helping my depression. Not too long after getting out, I browsed here a lot and began to talk to a member who I became very close to, only for him to ctb on the phone with me which I wasn't aware of. He was someone dear to me and that's been the last major blow I've had after I've thought things were getting better.
Since then, I've still been taking my meds and focusing on some goals. One major goal is to finish my nursing program and classes just recently started again. The meds and focusing on goals has made me feel a lot better. My ctb plans are even on hold, although I have my SN if needed.
I'm at the point right now where I feel paranoid and I'm waiting for the next thing to go wrong. It's like any sort of contentment or peace I feel is somehow a bad thing because maybe I'm just kidding myself that things will get better. I'm on edge. I just don't think I could handle another major blow.
I'm venting here because who am I kidding, I really don't have friends. And the one person I could tell anything to isn't here anymore. I'm honestly just talking in circles at this point. It's late at night where I am and my mind is racing. I don't really know what I expect from posting this. I dont think I expect anything, it's just nice to get this shit off my chest. If anyone reads to this point, thanks. ❤
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